


Your Heart Inside of Mine

by MiraclesofPaul



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domesticity, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Alternating, Witness Protection, developing feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraclesofPaul/pseuds/MiraclesofPaul
Summary: They're placed into the Witness Protection Program after a bomb was found on the set of Unsolved. The only way to stick together is to lie and say they’re engaged. Years go by. Things change. Things transform.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 356
Kudos: 707





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been brewing since 2018, and I'm so happy it's done. A gigantic thank you to Tiia who pretty much deserves a co-writer credit considering how much she has helped to not only shape but inspire this, and also to Cara who helped make this story so much better than it was before.
> 
> Title is from One Direction's "If I Could Fly."

WINTER

Ryan’s hands shake as he sits in the back of the black SUV. He still has on the ratty t-shirt and sweatpants he’d been sleeping in just a couple of hours ago. Everything happened so quickly. It’s not even four in the morning yet. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding. Maybe he’s still asleep. God, please let it be all a dream.

_We were supposed to shoot an episode in the morning_ , he thinks, and another wave of panic hits him. The air in the car is tense and silent, and Ryan feels like his breathing is too loud, too ragged.

Two U.S. Marshals sit in the front. They haven’t told him much. They showed up around two in the morning, startling him awake with their loud knocking. They said a bomb had been planted in the Buzzfeed Unsolved set. They were going to take him to a safe location. His roommates had stood and watched, dumbfounded, as Ryan did his best to follow orders and pack a suitcase. No cellphone. No laptop. No idea how long he’ll be gone.

They pull into the parking garage of a very large, very ordinary looking office building. He gets escorted through several locked doors and down long hallways. His hands are so sweaty and shaky that he fears his suitcase will slip from his grip.

This has to be some sort of awful new prank show that Buzzfeed is cooking up. Ryan is going to be so fucking pissed at them when the cameras jump out. He’s going to yell at them and call them all a bunch of assholes, and he is going to be so fucking relieved. _Please, please, please_ _let this be a joke._

He gets taken to an empty office where they motion for him to sit in one of the two chairs that face a large, sturdy-looking desk. Ryan swallows around the lump in his throat and tries to push down the wave of horror clawing at his chest. He sits down. They close the door.

He’s alone.

He quickly wipes away the tears that are starting to spill down his cheeks. This can’t be real. This can’t be happening right now. How is he just supposed to sit here when someone tried to _murder_ them? The officers had said a bomb had been spotted by a janitor on the set of Unsolved. Thankfully he immediately alerted security and no one got hurt — _but so many people could’ve been._ His heart drops to the floor at the thought.

The door opens, startling him. A woman in a tan pantsuit walks in. She looks impeccable, even at this hour, and Ryan suddenly feels self-conscious of his unbrushed hair, his eyes probably red and glassy. But she smiles kindly at him, sympathetic, as she goes to the other side of the desk and sits down. She says, “Hello Mr. Bergara. I’m Agent Perez. I know this must all be very strange and frightening. Would you like something to drink? Some tea, perhaps?”

He shakes his head, managing a weak, “No, thank you.” He’s pretty sure he’ll puke up anything he puts in his mouth right now.

“I’ve been informed that Mr. Madej will be arriving soon.” She opens a drawer and pulls out two files. “Apparently there was a small delay, but he’s safely on his way. We can wait for him before beginning.”

“Shane’s coming?” Relief floods Ryan’s stomach as she nods. He can breathe just a little bit easier. If Shane is here, at least he won’t be alone.

Agent Perez gives him another sympathetic smile. They sit in silence as they wait. She makes some notes in the files. Ryan tries his best not to fidget. There are no clocks in the office. No windows either. He has no idea how long they sit there before the door suddenly opens.

Shane stumbles in, a cat carrier in one hand. He glances at Ryan and then at Agent Perez before asking, “Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?”

She gestures toward the chair next to Ryan, her demeanor calm and in control. “Please have a seat, Mr. Madej. I will explain.”

Shane puts down the cat carrier and sits down. An anxious meow rings loudly in the room. He makes eye contact with Ryan again, and Ryan feels a sudden urge to reach out and hug him, to hold on tight and tell him how fucking glad he is to see him. But Shane’s eyes go back to Agent Perez, and Ryan shifts in his chair to get a hold of himself.

“Gentlemen, let me start by saying that I am very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here tonight. I understand your frustration. As you’ve been told, a bomb was planted on the set of your webshow, and we do believe you are being targeted. On your show, you talked about several possible mob hits and open investigations, such as the Litvinenko case. We don’t have very many leads as of yet, but we cannot rule out the possibility that this was retaliation.”

Shane says, “You can’t be serious. It’s not like we’re actual _journalists_. Our show is called ‘Unsolved’ because we don’t solve anything.”

Agent Perez shrugs. “Be that as it may, the only thing we know for certain is that you _were_ targeted, and we are taking this very seriously.”

Ryan blinks quickly, trying to push back the tears that want to rush out again. It hits him like an arrow through the chest that if anything had happened to them, it would’ve been his fault. He’s the one that writes the scripts. He picks what goes on the show. _Shane_ _could’ve died_. So many people on the Unsolved crew could’ve gotten hurt or killed.

“So what now?” Ryan asks, horror gnawing at his stomach. “Do we stop the show? Delete the channel?”

Agent Perez says gently, “I’m afraid it’s much more drastic than that. We have no idea what we could be dealing with. To keep you both safe, we have determined that the best course of action is to offer you the opportunity to enter the Witness Protection Program.”

“ _What?_ ” Shane says, leaning forward in his chair.

Ryan feels like his heart has stopped, like time has frozen, as Agent Perez says, “We can proudly say that we have not lost one life while people have been in WITSEC — as we call the program. If you decide to join, you will be taken to an orientation center for several weeks. From there, you will be given a new identity. Each of you will be taken to a different town, where you will each —”

“ _Different towns?_ ” Ryan asks, at the same time that Shane says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!”

She says firmly, “Yes, different towns.”

Ryan’s stomach twists violently at the thought of being completely alone in a new place. He hates being alone. What is he going to do without his family? Without his friends? He’ll go insane.

Shane asks, “What happens if we don’t join?”

Her face clearly states that wouldn’t be a good option. “We can keep you in this building for a couple of days to ensure your safety as we investigate. We would heighten the surveillance around your homes and workplace. However, we really wouldn’t be able to make any guarantees for your long term safety.”

Ryan can feel his breathing turn ragged again. He runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to stave off the panic attack he’s sure is coming. He can feel Shane’s eyes on him even before he turns to face him. Shane looks worried as he studies Ryan’s face. Ryan looks away. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Shane. He keeps his eyes fixed on the desk in front of him, his whole body tense as fear and horror and dread fill him up.

“If we join,” he hears Shane say determinedly, “you can’t separate us.”

“I’m afraid we only allow families to stay together. You two especially would be easier targets as a pair.”

“Well we’re family.”

“Mr. Madej —”

“We’re engaged,” Shane says, the words hitting Ryan like a shot.

Ryan snaps his head to look at Shane, but Shane’s eyes are fixed on Agent Perez, challenging her to contradict him. Ryan can feel that his mouth is open in shock, and he quickly closes it and tries to compose himself. _What the fuck is happening?_

Agent Perez raises a skeptical eyebrow. She turns to Ryan. “Is this true, Mr. Bergara? Are you two engaged?”

He meets Shane’s eyes again, and Shane seems to be completely serious. Ryan doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what to say. There’s no way they can get away with this. But Shane looks sure and determined, so Ryan forces himself to nod and say, “Yes.”

There’s a tense, silent moment as Agent Perez gives them both suspicious looks. Then she sighs, suddenly looking very tired. “Very well. If that’s the case, and you understand that there is a bigger risk when relocating together, then I will amend your forms.”

Ryan squirms slightly as she begins to scratch things out on the forms in front of her. His face suddenly feels very hot, guilt settling in his stomach. It’s going to be so obvious that they’re lying. They’re going to get in trouble.

Shane’s hand suddenly lands on Ryan’s arm, right above his elbow. He squeezes Ryan’s arm and addresses Agent Perez as he asks, “Can I please talk to Ryan? Alone?”

“Of course.” She grabs the two files as she stands and says, “I’ll just finish these up and get us all a cup of coffee. I’m sure we could all use it.”

Shane’s hand stays on his arm until she’s out of the room, the door closing behind her. Shane takes a deep breath and pulls back his hand as he turns the chair to face Ryan. “Hey, are you okay?”

“No, _I’m not okay_ ,” Ryan hisses, voice high and tense. “We almost — _our whole crew_ almost got blown up! And — and now we’re going to be in the goddamn _Witness Protection Program?_ ”

“You’re right, that was a stupid question.”

Ryan admits, “I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“I know.” Shane puts his hand on Ryan’s arm again, and Ryan forces in a deep breath.

_Shane’s here. Shane understands._ Whatever happens, at least they’re in it together. “What are we going to do?” Ryan asks miserably.

Shane squeezes his arm again and sighs. “We’re going to stay together. Okay? Are you with me?”

Ryan doesn’t have to think about it. He nods. “Okay. I’m with you.”

***

The WITSEC orientation center feels like a cross between an elementary school and a prison. The few staff members they interact with are nice but impersonal. Their meals are brought to them every day on plastic trays. They’re not allowed to leave the building, and mingling with the other inhabitants of the building is strictly prohibited. In fact, the only time they’re allowed to leave their room is when they go to brief therapy sessions or to meet with Allen, their case manager.

Their room is small and cold. There's a curtain-covered window they’re not allowed to look out of. There’s a little table where they eat their meals. There’s a small TV mounted to the wall. There’s only one bed, but Ryan doesn’t mind that part too much. It keeps some of the cold away at night, and if he’s being completely honest, he’s grateful for the familiarity of Shane sleeping next to him.

The reality of the situation has finally begun to settle, and it feels crushingly heavy. He would probably be going stir-crazy from being cooped up like this if he wasn’t so drained. Most of the day is spent mindlessly watching TV or playing with the cards they were given. Days blend together. He and Shane don’t talk much. Time is starting to feel more like some sort of abstract concept instead of reality, so much so that Ryan’s surprised when Allen asks one morning, “How was your Christmas, boys?”

“Huh?” Shane says, and Ryan’s pretty sure his own face looks equally confused.

Allen is in his early forties, his hair going a bit gray at the front. He always has a kind, easygoing smile on his lips and a perpetual cup of coffee nearby, and Ryan can’t help but like him — even if he is too chipper in the mornings.

Allen raises his eyebrows in surprise and says, “Two days ago? It was Christmas.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, thinking back to how the building had seemed more quiet than usual. “I just thought it was the weekend or something.”

Allen winces into his cup of coffee before taking a sip. “Well that’s not great. Let’s keep working on your background story, okay? Don’t wanna keep you stuck in this building for much longer if you’re losing your sense of time.”

It’s an endless amount of paperwork and reciting back information and rules. They’re not to contact anyone from their prior life, no social media accounts, no posing for any video or picture if they can avoid it. They get to keep their first names, but not much else. New dates of birth. New family trees. Where they went to school, what they did for work, how they met. “Most people don’t really care,” Allen told them during their first meeting. “Just be consistent and vague whenever you can.”

He’s Ryan Flores now. Engaged to Shane Williams. He has managed to memorize most of their background, but there’s still a few things he keeps getting wrong, like mixing up his new grandparents’ names. Allen is patient and always high spirited despite their sluggish responses.

“Much better,” Allen says as their session comes to an end. “Just keep practicing. Oh, and as a little update on your case, Buzzfeed has been fairly cooperative, and we’ve managed to take down most of the videos you guys were in. You boys sure haven’t made it easy to scrub you off the internet. Usually we hide people who have tried to stay _off_ the grid.” Allen shakes his head and chuckles. “Your fans are freaking out and making a ruckus instead of letting you slip away silently like I hoped.”

Ryan’s stomach sinks. All of his hard work, all of the hours of research, the sleepless nights spent filming, the hours of fun he had with his friends — it’s all just gone?

Allen says, “I did watch a couple of your videos, though. There’s a lot of chemistry between you two. I see the appeal.”

“Thanks,” Ryan says, but it comes out flat and detached.

Allen gets that look on his face that he sometimes gets, a smile that says he clearly doesn’t believe that they’re a couple. Using the same tone he uses when they’re practicing their lies, he asks, “So were you two already dating during that Mothman episode?”

“No,” Shane answers, so confidently that Ryan feels impressed. “We started dating in October.”

“Right, right, right,” Allen says. “That’s a pretty quick engagement.”

Ryan says, “We’ve, uh, known each other for a pretty long time. It felt right.” The lie doesn’t feel as smooth on his tongue. Sometimes he worries that he won’t be able to keep it all straight. The lies Allen created. The lies he and Shane cobbled together between whispers as they layed in bed.

Allen gives them another smile, clearly not buying it but having fun playing along. “Okay, well, I’m sorry that your ceremony will be a rather plain one, but you guys can always do a vow renewal in the future. Throw a nice big party for an anniversary, perhaps.”

“Wait,” Ryan says, frowning, “what ceremony? Our marriage ceremony?”

“Yeah, sorry to push the date up, guys, but it’s easier to just process all of the documents for you now than to deal with the Social Security Administration later. Trust me. They’re the worst.”

“No problem,” Shane says, voice cool and calm and definitely not matching up with the ball of _weird_ in Ryan’s stomach.

He’s grateful that Shane is willing to do this, that this means they’ll get to stay together. But every time he lets himself think about it, it just seems unreal and bizarre and almost too much.

***

Ryan stares at the calendar hanging next to Allen’s desk. It’s January 3. It’s January 3, and he’s getting _married_. He’s getting married to _Shane_. This is it. They’re really going through with it.

“Would you like to hold hands while I recite the vows?” the Minister asks, snapping Ryan back to reality.

Shane shrugs and holds out his hands. Ryan quickly wipes his own sweaty hands on his jeans before grabbing Shane’s hands.

Allen’s already small office feels even more claustrophobic with an extra person in it. A person who is going to marry him and Shane. No going back now. _Christ_.

“Love is sacrifice,” the Minister says. “Love is work. Love is frustrating. But to have someone to share the beauty and burdens of life is a gift above all else. I hope you two cherish the gift you are giving each other and yourselves as you begin this new journey together. Ryan, do you take this man to be your husband, to love him, comfort him, and honor him, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?”

Laid out like that, it almost seems like a promise too big to make. Shane is looking at him expectantly, eyebrows raising slightly as the words get stuck in Ryan’s throat. _It’s okay, it’s just fake, it’s just fake,_ he thinks frantically. _Just open your mouth and say it._

“I do,” Ryan manages to say, and he feels Shane squeeze his hands.

Shane huffs out a laugh and says, “Made me sweat a little there, man.”

The Minister chuckles. “Jitters are perfectly normal. Happens all the time. Now Shane, do you take this man to be your husband, to love him, comfort him, and honor him, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Shane says, and he gives Ryan’s hands another small squeeze.

The Minister says, “Allen, you have the rings right?”

“Oh, yes.” Allen pulls them out of his pocket and gives Shane and Ryan a slightly apologetic smile. “These are the best the budget allowed.”

They’re simple gold bands, but it feels weirdly heavy when Shane slips it onto his finger. Ryan has to make sure his own hands don’t do anything stupid like tremble as he puts the ring on Shane’s finger.

The Minister grins and says, “By virtue of the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you married. You may now kiss.”

“Uh,” Ryan says, blood rushing to his face. “I think we’ll save that for our own special moment. Uh, in private.”

Shane says, “Yeah, no offense, Allen, but your office isn’t exactly how we pictured having our first married kiss.”

Allen laughs. “Fair enough, boys. Up to you. We’ll just sign a couple more forms, and then we’re done for the day. Tony, thank you so much for coming. Beautiful ceremony as always.”

But of course, they don’t kiss when they’re back in their room. Shane spends some time trying to get Obi to come out from under the bed. Ryan flips from channel to channel, trying to find something decent to watch. It’s not really that different from what they were doing this morning. But the gold ring on his finger keeps catching his eye and making his stomach lurch with an overwhelming emotion he can’t quite name.

He’s a married man, now. He’s married to Shane. And even though it’s fake, even though it’s just a means to an end, it still feels like he has traded away something that was supposed to be special. It’s still a reminder that their old lives and everything they worked so hard for and all of their future plans are now gone. After a long pros and cons list, they’d decided that Ryan would take Shane’s fake last name. He’s going to be Ryan Williams now. No trace left of who he used to be. He had really liked Bergara. Hell, he had really liked Madej too.

He cries in the shower that night. He mourns the death of Ryan Steven Bergara.

***

A week later, Allen accompanies them to some nowhere town in Vermont. Ryan’s insides feel like a hot nest of snakes the entire trip. So they’re going to be dumped here, and then what? They’re just supposed to start a whole new fucking life on their own? Ryan’s not ready.

“Here it is, the lovely town of Anatole,” Allen says from the driver seat as they pass the welcome sign. “Not too big, not too small. I’m quite proud of finding this place. The general population is pretty high in age — even for Vermont. I’ve spent several sleepless nights worrying a fourteen year old with an iPhone was going to blow our whole cover. This minimizes the chances at least a bit.”

The town looks almost picturesque with its town square and snow covered New England buildings. He frowns as he looks out the window. He can’t imagine living here.

Allen stops the car in front of a small, blue house, around fifteen minutes away from the center of town. All of the houses on this street are spaced far apart. Isolated. Miles and miles of quiet. Allen smiles brightly at them and says, “Here we are, lovebirds. Home sweet home.”

It’s a two bedroom house, already furnished with the essentials. A couch, a table, a TV, a coffee maker. When he opens the fridge, it’s decently stocked. There’s a back porch with a big backyard which Ryan already dreads mowing. Allen says, “I got the second bedroom furnished as well. Never know when you’re gonna need a guest room.”

“True, you never know,” Shane says with a passive calmness that Ryan absolutely does not feel.

_It could be worse_ , he thinks, but there’s still something about this place he doesn’t like. It feels empty, impersonal, and cold — and not just because of the actual freezing cold outside that seems to be leaking into the house. It’s hard to imagine this place ever feeling like home and not just some wasteland cabin they’ve been stranded in.

Allen concludes the tour by saying, “Wifi is up and running. Just remember, no social media. Might be best to just stay off it completely to avoid temptation. Here’s the key to the car that’s in the garage. You’ve both got access to the bank account, so feel free to get yourselves whatever else you might need.”

“Thank you, Allen,” Ryan says, echoed by Shane saying, “Yeah, thanks for everything.”

“I’m always a call away.” Allen smiles at them and claps them each on the shoulder. “Don’t look so dour. You’ll be fine. Just wait and see.”

***

It’s been two weeks since they moved in, and things haven’t really improved. Obi, for the most part, refuses to leave Shane’s room. Shane doesn’t say anything about it, but Ryan can tell he's worried. Ryan doesn’t really blame Obi for refusing to come out. Being cooped up in the WITSEC center had been awful, but there’s something about this place that’s even more depressing. The house is old and drafty. Everything creaks and groans painfully. Maybe he wouldn’t notice all of those tiny sounds if everything else wasn’t so quiet, including him and Shane.

He wakes up each morning from one of a series of nightmares and is greeted by the constant, miserable hum in his brain. His body feels heavy and exhausted. Sometimes, as the silence drags on and on, he can’t help but wonder if this is his punishment for messing with the supernatural. He should’ve never done it. He had always feared the repercussions of poking at the unknown with a stick. Now here they are, atoning for their sins.

There’s not much to do, and the days crawl by agonizingly slow. All of the things he used to love before feel wrong now. He can’t look up anything online without being reminded of what happened to them. He can’t cheer for the Lakers without feeling homesick. He can’t even go outside. Shane can make fun of him all he wants for being a soft-skinned California lily, but seriously, _fuck the snow_. He feels like he’s trapped by it, and he fully hates and resents it. It’s not fun having to shovel it out of the way just to go get groceries. It’s just wet and cold, and Ryan is pretty sick of it. Most of the time he and Shane end up spending the whole day on their couch, mindlessly watching hours and hours of TV.

He knows they’re lucky to be alive and that no one else got hurt. He knows he should be more grateful. But most days he just _isn’t_ , and the guilt he carries from that only makes him feel worse. The only time he manages to feel something other than resentment and melancholy is when he turns and sees Shane on the other side of the couch. Even with Shane being so quiet, a distant look on his face most of the time, lost in thought — even then, Ryan can’t help but feel a burning glow of _thank you, thank you, thank you_. Ryan’s pretty sure he would’ve completely lost his mind without him. He’ll take a quiet, reserved Shane over being alone any day.

***

They’ve been here a little over a month now, and a routine has started to emerge. They usually go to the grocery store on Tuesday mornings when it’s quiet. They do laundry on Thursdays. They clean the house on Saturdays. It helps to battle the _Groundhog Day_ feeling.

Shane usually cooks dinner. They recently discovered this YouTube channel where a sweet grandma makes cooking tutorials for her grandkids. She starts off each video claiming that this is a very simple recipe, but a lot of the directions are vague and confusing. Ryan’s job is to sit on the counter and serve as a human remote when Shane needs to pause or rewind parts of the videos, Shane always shouting things like, “Wait go back, she just added like a whole cup of pepper! How is that a dash?!”

The results have mostly been positive — notwithstanding the Oversalted Meatball Fiasco, of course. It’s nice getting to look forward to having a bit of fun with Shane each evening. Not that things are back to normal with them, exactly, not that the fog around them has lifted. But at least they can crack a few jokes as they try not to accidentally set the kitchen on fire.

The only thing he hates about their new routine is having to deal with the goddamn snow outside. It’s annoying at the very least and completely trying to ruin his life at his most dramatic. He feels silly in his big puffy coat. Also, mittens? Worst fucking invention ever. They make your hands _useless_.

Ryan grumbles curses at them as he tries to grab the groceries from the trunk of their car. He has just managed to get a firm grip on one of the paper bags when he hears Shane call out, “Hey Ryan!

He turns around just in time for a snowball to hit him in the chest. Shane is practically bent over from laughter.

“Yeah, laugh it up!” Ryan says as he wipes off the front of his coat. “That’s really funny! Real original!”

“It’s so funny!” Shane says through his laughter. “I got you!”

Ryan reaches down and starts forming a snowball. “Oh, you’re about to see something funny alright!”

“Oh shit!” Shane says as he reaches for more snow too.

Ryan’s not sure how long they stay out having their snowball fight. He’s just proud that he was able to hold his own despite Shane’s freakishly long legs and the practice of growing up making snowballs. It feels _good_ to be able to laugh like this again. To feel the cold air deep in his lungs, the blood pumping through his veins. He had almost forgotten the feeling.

It ends with Shane stopping mid run, hands up in surrender. They’re both panting as Shane says, “Okay, okay!”

“You giving up?”

“Yeah, you win. I’m too old for this.”

“Hell yeah!” Ryan crows, dropping the snowball in his hand and doing a couple of victory dance moves. “Who can’t handle snow now? What was all that trash talk about Midwesterners and — _oof!_ ”

Shane lunges at him, pushing him to the ground. He falls half on top of Ryan and instantly grabs some snow to then hold above Ryan’s face. In a twangy accent, he says, “Wanna keep talking? Got something else to say, California boy?”

“You better seriously not dare!” But even as he says it, squirming to try and get away, Ryan laughs.

“Not such a big talker now, huh? Seems like once again I am the snow king!”

Ryan does end up with a bit of snow shoved in his face, but by the time they get their groceries inside and warm back up, he can’t bring himself to be even a little annoyed about it.

***

They’re eating cereal in front of the TV, waiting for the next episode of _Cheers_ to autoplay, when Shane says, “Today’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh,” Ryan says before taking another bite of cereal. Is it really the middle of February already? Around a mouthful, he says, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Shane gives him an expectant look. “What did you buy me?”

“What?”

“What did you get me for Valentine’s Day?”

“Nothing. Why, did — did you get me something?”

“No,” Shane laughs.

“Then why would you expect _me_ to buy _you_ something?”

“I just thought you’d be a better husband than me. Guess we’re both shitty husbands.”

“Well in our defense, we're also not real husbands.”

“Hmm.” Shane scrunches up his face in that way he does to annoy Ryan with a refutation. “I dunno. I think we’re pretty real. I even have a certificate that says so. I made a promise in front of a holy man.”

“Okay, well then where’s my fucking present?”

Shane rolls his eyes and shakes his head in fake disappointment. “So materialistic. Why don’t you take me out to dinner?”

“Why don’t you take _me_ out to dinner? I made breakfast.”

“We’re eating cereal!” Shane laughs as Ryan makes a _so what?_ face at him and says, “Okay, okay, whatever. Let’s not fight on our special day. I’ll take you out on a nice romantic dinner. You can put on a pretty dress, and we’ll hit the town.”

“Fuck you, dude, seriously. But yes, okay, dinner.”

They find a nice Italian place where the lights are dim and each table has a little candle to set a romantic mood. Shane lets out a low whistle as they sit down and he looks around. “Pretty nice place.”

“Yeah, you better put out after this,” Ryan jokes, and he gets a warm feeling as Shane laughs.

“Maybe if you get me some of these fancy desserts. I have to be treated right.”

Ryan laughs and gently kicks at Shane under the table. _This is nice,_ he thinks, as they sit in companionable silence looking over the menu.

They’re not quite back to normal. Ryan can’t bring himself to mention anything about their past lives, can feel the invisible parameters around their conversation. But the restaurant feels cozy and warm as they split a desert, and Ryan, for the first time since that horrifying night, feels hopeful.


	2. Chapter 2

SPRING

Shane doesn’t notice spring creeping up until he spots a few patches on their lawn with no snow. He pauses, surprised. Rationally winter couldn’t go on forever, but it had almost felt like it would.

“Hurry up,” Ryan says, already getting into the car.

The sun is bright overhead as they drive to the library. Now that Shane has spotted it, he can see it all around them, the hints of green poking through. Proof that the world is marching forward.

“I hate the snow,” Ryan complains for what is probably the billionth time. “Look how muddy these roads are. Postcards never show all of these dirty chunks by the road.”

Shane smiles at the familiar rant. “People want the winter fantasy, Ryan. Gotta give the people what they want.”

“Well I feel lied to!” he says dramatically. “If I’m gonna put up with this cold, it should at least be nice to look at.”

Despite his grumbling, Ryan’s in a good mood. Shane can tell by the way he hums along to the radio, reminding Shane of all the times they would be out with the Unsolved crew, driving for hours to go yell at empty rooms. The memory brings the usual pain of loss, but it’s a dull ache compared to how it used to feel those first couple of weeks.

As hard as it’s been for Shane, though, he knows it’s been doubly hard for Ryan. Shane was used to living away from his family. He was used to the cold weather and the confines of a small town. Ryan, a big city boy with his twice a week family dinners, raised on sunshine, not so much. And maybe that’s what made Shane do it.

There are nights when he worries that he might’ve made a mistake, might’ve put them in more danger by cooking up this plan to stick together. Maybe they would’ve had more luck rebuilding their lives if they’d been apart. But seeing that miserable look on Ryan’s face, his eyes shining with tears as they were told they were going to be separated, it was impossible for him to do nothing. And life with Ryan really isn’t too bad. All of the traveling and shared hotels were good practice, and honestly? Shane wonders sometimes if the only reason he’s been able to power through this is because he has to be strong for Ryan. Keep it together for Ryan. Try harder for Ryan. It’s kept him grounded.

The library has been another stabilizer in their lives. They drop in two or three times a week, giving them a place to go and something to do besides stare at the TV all day. He and Ryan part ways as they walk in, with Ryan heading towards the graphic novel section that he’s been into recently. Shane starts to go to the biography section but stops as an idea pops into his brain. If spring is really on its way, maybe now would be a good time to pick up a few new skills.

Jim, one of the librarians, helps him find a couple of useful books on home repair and writes down the address of the nearest hardware store. It feels good to sit down and outline some projects to figure out, to have something new to throw himself into.

He feels pretty proud of himself when a couple of weeks later most of the windows in the house open smoothly. He fixed Ryan’s tricky bedroom door handle, and the faucet in the bathroom doesn’t drip anymore. He even fixed the squeaky cabinets in the kitchen that used to give Ryan the creeps at night — which Shane found out about when he went to go grab a mug and Ryan _jumped_ and complained “Jesus, warn a guy next time! I thought my heart was going to explode, holy fuck.”

They spend an entire Saturday cleaning all of the windows in the house, allowing the sunlight to shine bright every morning. As Shane turns on the coffee maker, he takes a deep breath and feels the air fully expand his lungs. The house is quiet, but it’s a pleasant type of morning calmness. He feels lighter when he exhales.

***

Obi has _finally_ warmed up to the new house. He now walks around acting like the rightful owner, sleeping on windowsills and demanding to sit between Shane and Ryan as they watch TV. He particularly likes to stare at Ryan whenever he works out, which Shane finds endlessly amusing. Obi’s little eyes stay glued to Ryan as he does push ups, _up and down, up and down._

“I think he has a little crush on you,” Shane says as they’re all sitting on the couch and Obi rubs his head against Ryan’s arm and purrs loudly.

As soon as Ryan opens his arms, Obi climbs in and settles into his lap. Ryan smiles and turns to look at Shane. “Jealous?”

“Just don’t break his heart,” he says threateningly, narrowing his eyes, which makes Ryan laugh.

With the snow gone and bright green grass coming in, the town of Anatole seems to be waking up from its hibernation. People are out and about, strolling around town. People have their windows open, enjoying the warmer weather on sunny days. It’s been nice getting to take walks around town with Ryan after a trip to the library. They'll look at antiques and make a game of finding the most bizarre thing in the store. They’ll take a stroll in the park with its slightly creepy angel fountain. They almost always stop by a little shop called Rose’s Pies that’s just across the street from the library. The pies are pretty good, but Shane suspects that Ryan mostly likes it because the owner always fusses about how handsome Ryan is and gives him free extras.

It’s a quiet and peaceful town. Nothing like L.A. where it seemed like everyone always had somewhere to go, somewhere to be. Fitness goals and auditions and scheduled relaxation time. This town feels downright lazy in comparison, just people minding their own business and slowly going about their day. With the mountains surrounding them, sometimes it feels like this town is all that exists, like they’ve been pulled out of the world and placed in a little bubble. Just him and Ryan and Obi. It’s not a bad life.

He’s gotten so used to the ring on his finger now that most of the time he forgets that they’re technically married. The only time it crosses his mind is when Allen calls to check up on them or when he remembers to tease Ryan about it. No one has ever asked them why they’re always together. Jim from the library will sometimes look between them with a smile on his face like he’s put two and two together, but that’s about it.

Then one Saturday morning in early May, as they step out of their house to go for a walk, a woman pushing a stroller suddenly stops and waves at them. She says, “Hi there! Are you guys the new owners?”

She doesn’t look to be much older than them. She’s got her dark hair up in a messy bun and a warm smile on her face. She waits expectantly as it takes them both a couple of fumbling seconds to reply.

Ryan has frozen next to him, so Shane takes it upon himself to keep walking towards her and to say, “Hi, yes. We moved in a few months back.”

Ryan catches up and does his best to smile at her, but his shoulders are slightly hunched in.

“Oh we’re neighbors!” She points to the house to their left. “That’s me over there. Sorry I didn’t come say hello earlier, but between two kids and work, I just never found the time. I’m Jennifer.”

“Nice to meet you,” Shane says. “I’m Shane, and this, uh,” — his brain slightly short-circuits as he quickly remembers — “is my husband, Ryan.”

“Pleasure to meet you! I’m still a little new to Anatole so I’m always trying to meet new people. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thanks,” Ryan says. “And, uh, same. If you ever need anything.”

Jennifer’s grin gets even wider. “Wonderful!" She motions to the baby in the stroller and says, “Well, I better get Griffin here home. I only have thirty minutes before I have to pick up my other one from Nature Scouts. It was so lovely meeting you two! Please don’t be strangers.”

“We won’t,” Shane promises and waves as she heads off towards her house.

Ryan carries that tense posture until they’re several yards away before saying, “She can’t be more than thirty-five. She must’ve seen at least one Buzzfeed video before.”

“Yeah, but most people probably don’t have the staff memorized. Outside of our fans, people probably didn’t even notice we were gone.”

Ryan’s shoulders loosen just a tiny bit. “I guess so.”

“Relax,” Shane says encouragingly, elbowing him gently. “She didn’t immediately ask us for an autograph or a selfie, so we’re fine.”

“You’re probably right,” Ryan says, though he still sounds a little doubtful.

“I’m right most of the time,” Shane says easily, chuckling when Ryan quickly counters with, “No, no, no, no, no — absolutely not.”

They’re on their way back home when it hits Shane. He says, “Hey, this was the first time I ever introduced you as my husband to someone.”

Ryan looks surprised. “Huh. Is it really the first? Kinda weird that it took this long.”

“Allen did tell us we should make friends to help blend in, but we haven’t really tried. Maybe we should invite her over for dinner or something. She seems nice.”

Ryan wrinkles his nose in skepticism. “Maybe.”

“We can’t be the weird, reclusive gay couple. Let’s be the fun gay couple. Cool, upstanding members of our community.”

Ryan snorts out a laugh. “Fun or not, you’ll always be weird, pal.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Shane makes a point of introducing Ryan as his husband more often after that. Just casually, just whenever he can. Each time he does, it makes Ryan’s eyebrows go up slightly in surprise but he never says anything. Shane mentions it to Jim when they’re chatting about the latest bestsellers, just a casual, “Yeah, my husband Ryan really likes that series,” and Jim’s face practically lights up as he tells Shane that he has a husband too.

Each time Shane says it, _my husband Ryan_ , it feels a little bit less strange.

***

It’s Shane’s birthday. It may not say so on his birth certificate anymore, but it is.

That drowning feeling of loss hits him as soon as he wakes up. It’s more acute than it’s been in months. He had been ignoring the date creeping up, pushing it to the back of his mind as much as possible. His parents always video called him first thing in the morning, both awkwardly trying to fit on screen at the same time. He doesn’t want to think about how there will be no call this year. He doesn’t want to think about how they probably feel. He closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath. He counts one, two, three, four, five. He breathes out and gets up.

He hears sounds from the kitchen as soon as he opens his bedroom door.

“Good, you’re up!” Ryan says when he sees Shane approaching, a grin on his face. He’s still dressed in his pajamas, standing in front of the waffle maker they impulse-bought two weeks ago.

Shane smiles back. Obi is on the counter, and he purrs when Shane goes to pet him. There’s a big bowl next to the stove and a whole mess of ingredients everywhere. “What are you doing?” Shane asks.

“Making you waffles, _duh_. I know Allen said we’re not supposed to celebrate our real birthdays anymore, but he’s not here. Also, I’m pretty sure there are no cameras monitoring us.”

Shane snorts out a laugh. “Have you checked?”

“Maybe.”

“What a rebel. Waffles sound great.”

Ryan doesn’t let him help, only watch and dictate how many chocolate chips go into each waffle. They come out pretty great, except for the one waffle where they got a little too crazy and it turned into a chocolaty blob. They laugh over dumb jokes as they eat, Obi purring in Shane’s lap, and it soothes that raw feeling in his chest.

Ryan apparently isn’t done after breakfast, though. As soon as they clear away the plates, he announces he has the whole day planned. They get dressed and get ready. They walk around town, and Shane ends up buying a rather ridiculous straw hat. As soon as he put it on, Ryan laughed and said he hated it so Shane had to have it. They eat lunch at that new deli place that just opened that has some seriously amazing bread. They stroll around the park, and Shane gets to force Ryan to toss a coin into the creepy angel fountain.

By the time they’re walking towards the movie theater that night, Shane has almost forgotten about the awful ache he’d felt that morning. He’s surprised when Ryan asks, voice cautious, “So, um, today has been good, right? I mean, as in, y’know. You had a good time?”

“Yeah,” Shane says, smiling at the relieved look on Ryan’s face. “I woke up thinking about my parents and that was pretty sad, but you really turned it around. Thank you. I appreciate you trying.”

“You’re welcome. Any time.”

He really is grateful that if he had to get put in the Witness Protection Program, at least he’s with someone who cares about him. Shane’s heart feels too warm, so he jokes, “So are we having birthday sex tonight, or what?”

Ryan bursts out laughing and gives Shane a pretty weak shove. “Get new jokes before I start to think you only keep me around to get in my pants.”

 _Stop laughing at them then,_ Shane thinks, but instead says, “Nothing wrong with married couples having sex, Ryan. Jesus said it was okay.”

“Mmhmm. I’m sure you say that to all of your husbands.”

Shane laughs. “No, baby, you’re my one and only. I swear it to be true. I’ll shout it from the rooftops.”

“Don’t,” Ryan says, but he’s still laughing.

“That’s what married couples do, Ryan. Romantic shit. How are people going to believe we’re a couple if we never do romantic shit?”

“I think our marriage certificate should be enough proof,” Ryan says before stretching his hand out to Shane. When Shane gives it a confused look, he rolls his eyes and says, “Hold my hand, you jerk. Come on, you wanna be a couple, then let’s fucking hold hands.”

“Now that’s the spirit!” Shane slaps his hand into Ryan’s, grinning as he manages to interlock their fingers.

They let go only after they each get a bucket of popcorn and need both hands to eat, but Shane grabs Ryan’s hand again as soon as they’re out and walking back to their car. Ryan’s hand is a little stiff in his, but it’s not as weird as Shane would’ve thought. They’ve been in weirder situations. Holding hands during a seance while they chanted some fake spell from wikiHow? Now _that_ was weird. This is something they should probably get used to.

“That was a great movie, honey,” Shane says as he drives them home.

“We don’t have to be one of those couples that does pet names.”

“Yeah, _we_ don’t have to, but I am definitely going to be calling you some sweet, sweet names from now on. I’ve decided to be a very romantic husband. Hold on to your socks, baby, ‘cause I’m gonna knock them off.”

“Please don’t.”

“Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that, buttercup.”

Ryan laughs, full bodied and loud, and Shane is glad to see it after such a dark winter.

 _Romantic shit,_ Shane thinks as he parks the car. He waits until they’re standing in front of their door to turn to Ryan and say, “So…”

“What are you doing?” Ryan asks, instantly suspicious.

Shane shrugs innocently. “Are we gonna kiss or what?”

Ryan laughs, and Shane can’t help but break and smile as well. “Very funny. Now unlock the door.”

“I’m serious,” he insists. “Look, we’re gonna have to kiss at some point. Might as well get it over with.”

“No we don’t. What kind of situation could we be in where we have to do that? We didn’t even kiss when we got married.”

“Married people kiss, Ryan. I don’t want the town thinking you’re not really into me.”

Ryan is still laughing even as he shakes his head at him. “You’re ridiculous. We are not kissing.”

“Come on. Have you ever kissed a guy before?” he asks, expecting Ryan to say no.

But Ryan surprises him by rolling his eyes and saying, “Of course I have.”

“What?” Shane's eyebrows go up in delighted surprise. “Wait, seriously? You have?”

"Yeah, who hasn't?"

“I’ll tell you who, Midwestern boys who grew up in a conservative pocket of Illinois, that’s who. I had no idea you were out kissing boys left and right like it was nothing. Here I was, saving my special boy kiss for you, and you’re handing them out like it’s nothing.”

“Well now you’re making it sound like I’m kissing everybody —”

“That’s what it sounds like to me!”

“What, you want a list or something?”

Shane laughs. “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. As your husband —”

“Oh no, you can’t just go around saying ‘your husband’ like that just grants you power over —”

“As your husband, I demand to see that list!”

Ryan shakes his head and laughs incredulously, but he still says, “Fine, whatever, just do it then. Let’s kiss.”

“Yeah? We’re smooching?”

“Don’t make me regret it before we even do it.”

“This is so romantic,” Shane jokes, bringing a hand up to cover his heart. He takes a step closer. “Okay, hold still.”

Ryan does, though he’s looking up at Shane like he’s already having second thoughts. Shane puts a hand on his arm to keep him in place.

Ryan grumbles, “Jesus, you’re so freakishly tall.”

“Shhh, this is our first kiss. Don’t ruin it.”

Ryan gives a tiny scoff, but he’s still looking up at Shane, waiting, and Shane thinks, _Might as well be now._

Their eyes meet before Shane looks down to Ryan’s lips. He leans down and closes his eyes. The kiss lasts barely two seconds, just a chaste press of their lips. _Not bad,_ he thinks as he takes a step back.

“Wow,” Shane says, pretending to fan himself. “That was pretty hot. Just unbelievably steamy.”

“Now _you’ve_ ruined it!” Ryan says, laughing. “I want a divorce.”

“Til death do us part, baby!” Shane says, turning to unlock the door. “We signed an eternal contract.”

 _It’s not a big deal,_ he thinks. They can kiss and hold hands, and it’s all for their new life. He doesn't mind.

It gets easier and easier as the weather keeps warming up and they spend more time outside. His hand finds Ryan’s as they stroll around town, their fingers interlocking automatically. He forces Ryan to give him a kiss every time he wears his stupid new hat, neither of them able to keep a straight face. Shane still misses a lot of things about his old life, but whenever Ryan leans against him as he laughs, the sun shining down on them, Shane feels grateful that they’re together and alive.


	3. Chapter 3

SUMMER

They stand in front of Jennifer’s door, Ryan holding a pie they picked up from Rose’s shop. They’ve chatted with Jennifer a few times since she first introduced herself and she seems really nice, but Ryan still feels nervous and twitchy about actually taking her up on the invitation to get together.

“Relax,” Shane says, but Ryan can feel his body tense up even more as Shane rings the doorbell

The door opens, and Jennifer’s face lights up. “Hi, guys! Oh gosh, I sure hope that pie is for me.”

Shane jokes, “No, we’re just showing it around to all the neighbors,” which gets a laugh from her as she widens the door and ushers them in.

They sit around her kitchen table, drinking coffee and eating pie. Her four year old Howie runs around the backyard while her fourteen month old Griffin plays with blocks on the kitchen floor. Little by little Ryan can feel himself relax as Jennifer tells them about making the big move from Atlanta to Anatole after her divorce.

She says, “I swear, my life got easier after my divorce even though I was dealing with practically a newborn baby all by myself. I don’t know what I would’ve done if my grandmother hadn’t left me this house. May she rest in peace.”

“Our condolences,” Ryan says, which gets him a soft, warm smile from Jennifer.

“Thank you. She was truly a wonderful person, lived a very full life. This is a little morbid but you know, she died in this house. Sometimes I feel like she’s still here.”

Ryan can feel his own eyes widen. He leans forward and asks, “Have you ever seen or heard anything?”

“Not exactly _seen_ , but there’s times when I feel like I’m not alone. But in a comforting way.”

Ryan’s about to ask more questions when Shane says, “Alright, okay, his ghost antenna is going up. Please don’t encourage him, Jennifer. I don’t wanna catch him over here with a ouija board trying to perform a seance.”

Ryan scoffs indignantly. “And open a portal in her house? With her kids? I would never, and you know that.”

Shane just shakes his head. “You see what I’m dealing with?”

Jennifer laughs, open and good naturedly. “You guys are so cute. How long have you been together?”

Shane says smoothly and confidently, “Married in January. We were friends a pretty long while and then mostly skipped the dating part.” He catches Ryan’s eyes, a playful smirk on his lips. “Isn’t that right, baby? Just jumped right in.”

“Oh yeah,” Ryan says. “It all just sort of fell together.”

Shane chuckles at their stupid private joke. “Divine providence, perhaps.”

“Or the devil’s doing.”

“Ooh, yeah, could be that too.”

Jennifer laughs and says, “Well whatever it may be, I’m glad our paths have crossed. You guys almost make me believe in love again.”

By the time they’re back home, Ryan feels glad they went through with it. He’d been worried that forming friendships in their situation would be impossible. He already had a hard time fully letting his guard down around new people before all of this started, but it felt even more daunting now that they have such a big secret to hide. Jennifer seems really kind, though, and it feels good to know there’s a friendly face right next door.

Maybe he can relax a little. Not a lot, not enough to get careless, but just enough that he can be a little more open to new people and their new lives.

***

The summer sun feels pleasantly warm on Ryan’s skin as he waits outside for Shane. They’d agreed to grab lunch at Maple Leaf, their favorite diner, and Ryan shifts eagerly from foot to foot as he waits to spot Shane.

Today is Ryan’s third day working at Rose’s Pies. She offered him the job after he volunteered to help her reorganize the many mixers she has, and to his surprise, he really enjoys working there. It’s really more of a part time thing where he comes in, helps around, and does some easy stuff. Honestly, he suspects Rose mostly hired him because she likes his company, but he’s not complaining. He likes listening to Rose talk about her ex husbands, the sweet smell of pastries and coffee, and the fact that it gives him something to do five days a week. After months of spending practically every waking moment with Shane, though, it does feel a little weird to suddenly be away from him.

He feels his already good mood lift even more as a familiar tall figure turns the corner. Shane smiles at him, and Ryan feels himself grin back automatically. "Hey," Ryan says as Shane stops in front of him, and for one bizarre second, Ryan thinks they’re going to kiss hello. But they don’t so he does his best to shake it off by complaining, “ _Finally_. Come on, I’m starving.”

"You are not," Shane says, following Ryan into the restaurant. "You've probably eaten like half a pie already."

Ryan laughs but doesn't admit that he has already eaten two slices of pie today. They go to their usual booth at the corner and order from the familiar menu. The waitress, Debbie, smiles at them when she brings out their food and says, "Enjoy.”

“So what’s it like being the breadwinner for our family?” Shane asks as he pours out some ketchup for his fries.

“Pretty good. I always knew I’d be a good provider.”

“Well I’m glad you like it because now that I’ve gotten a taste of that sugar baby life, I’m not going back.”

Ryan snorts out a laugh. “When you marry your sugar baby, don’t they become your trophy wife? Trophy husband, in our case, I guess.”

“That implies having duties. I just wanna look cute and spend your money. Like this,” he says and begins to strike ridiculous poses as if for a camera, lips pouting slightly.

It makes Ryan laugh a little too loud in the quiet diner. At times he had worried that they would get sick of each other, but he just can’t imagine ever being sick of Shane and his impossibly weird brain. Not when Shane always manages to make him laugh like this.

He returns to work with a grin on his face, which Rose notices and teases him about. “Still honeymooning, I see,” she says, but Shane has always had this effect on him. It’s always a good time when Shane’s around. That’s probably why he keeps missing him so much when he’s at work.

It really is stupid that just a few hours apart make him _miss_ Shane, but he notices it more and more as the days go by. He can’t help but wonder what Shane is doing. He can’t help but look at one of the little tables at the front of the store and wish that Shane was sitting there. He can’t help but smile when they’re reunited again, little bells of happiness going off at the sight of him.

He figures a little codependency is probably normal and not too bad considering everything they’ve been through. So when Rose calls out from the front of the store, “Ryan, your husband’s here!” he doesn’t question why his heart skips a beat. He can feel himself grinning as he finishes putting away the bowls and walks out towards the front.

Shane smiles, that mischievous little smile of his, and says teasingly, “That’s a nice apron.”

Ryan looks down at his pink and very flowery apron and laughs. “Thanks,” he says, reaching behind to untie it. “It’s my favorite one.” He hangs it up on the designated apron hook before coming out from behind the counter and walking towards Shane.

“Hi,” Shane says, his smile turning warm.

Ryan smiles back. “Hi.”

Rose says, “Don’t be shy on my account. Go ahead and give him a kiss. It’s obvious you want to.”

“Uh,” Ryan says, feeling his eyes widen a little at the suggestion.

But Shane doesn’t flinch, doesn’t hesitate. He looks amused as he puts a hand on the small of Ryan’s back. _This is why we practiced, right?_ Ryan thinks as he braces himself and leans forward.

It’s a small and quick kiss, just like the others they’ve shared before, but it still makes Ryan’s face feel warm. His chest feels weirdly tight, his insides twisting as Rose practically coos, “Oh, young love.” _Not so bad,_ he thinks.

He lets Shane lace their fingers together, and they wave goodbye and head home.

***

There’s a lot of little things that Ryan misses about L.A. He misses hearing Spanish on a regular basis. He misses the Buzzfeed break room, always filled with weird snacks. He misses the excitement in the air when the Lakers were in the finals. He misses getting up early and driving to Disneyland with friends. He especially misses being able to get hundreds of different types of ethnic food whenever he wanted.

But his life with Shane has its own unique good things too. He likes catching Shane in the middle of singing a silly, made-up song to Obi. He likes it when they sit on the back porch, sometimes just enjoying the quiet, more often than not talking and joking around. He likes how Shane has learned to make three different types of salsas despite having the spice tolerance of a baby just because Ryan mentioned missing them.

They’ve managed to make their lives fit together well enough that it doesn’t feel flimsy. He knows that this arrangement isn’t permanent, that there will come a day when they go their separate ways, but for now, the best part about being married is that it feels stable. Shane is there for Ryan to lean on, just like Ryan is there for him. It feels good to share all of the little victories of a good cleaning day, a new recipe well executed, a nice day at work. They're not roommates, coming and going independently. They're a team. It's so different from any friendship or even relationship that Ryan has ever had. There’s no romance taking up the focus. There’s no out, at least not yet. Shane is there for all of the good, the bad, and the boring parts, and Ryan feels proud of them for how well they’ve made this weird situation work.

They’ve even gotten pretty good at this whole pretending to be a couple thing. Holding hands is easy. They know to stand a little closer than they normally would. A hand on the back. Knees touching when they sit together. When Jennifer invites them to come with her and her friends to celebrate the 4th of July, they automatically hold hands as they head over to her house to meet her.

There’s a big celebration going on in the town square. The whole place practically looks like the American Revolution puked on it. People are out and celebrating, little food stands lining the streets. Several different music groups perform on the makeshift stage. It feels as though the entire town is out partying it up, and it feels good getting to hang out and be part of the crowd.

It’s also surprisingly fun getting to know Jennifer’s friends. Karen and Emily are in their forties, both divorced, both full of rowdy spirit. The two of them plus Jennifer are the founding (and so far only) members of the Divorcee Club, which Ryan and Shane have been explicitly told they’re banned from until they stop being so sickeningly cute together.

“Honestly, it’s unbearable,” Karen says as Shane throws an arm around Ryan’s shoulder. “I don’t think I liked my ex-husband this much even when we were dating.”

“And he didn’t even have money,” Emily jokes.

Karen laughs before nodding solemnly. “And he didn't even have money. I put up with that for _free_.”

It’s easy to laugh along with them, the day going by fast in a fun blur of too much food and beer. He’s a little bit more than tipsy by nightfall when the fireworks are set off. Shane stands behind him, arms wrapped tightly around him.

The fireworks illuminate the sky in dazzling colors, but Ryan is having trouble focusing on them. He can feel Shane all along his back. Shane is basically surrounding him, and Ryan feels...good. He feels happy. He has a sudden urge to turn around, to lay his head on Shane’s chest, to wrap his own arms around Shane.

He feels embarrassed, suddenly, by just how much he wishes to stay wrapped up in Shane’s arms. _It’s normal_ , he tells himself, his sluggish brain trying to get a grip. Ryan’s family was one of those touchy feely ones growing up. _It’s normal to crave human touch._ If Shane is the one person he spends all of his time with, it makes sense that he would feel like this. Right?

***

It’s normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s not confusing. Ryan can’t stop noticing whenever they touch. It shouldn’t be a big deal, and yet, every time their legs touch as they sprawl on the couch, whenever they brush by each other in the kitchen, it makes Ryan pause. Have they always touched this much? Has it always been so casual?

Noticing those small moments is one thing. That by itself wouldn’t be so bad, but sometimes… Ryan can’t explain it to himself, isn’t sure _why_ , but sometimes he gets this strange urge whenever Shane is too close. An urge to sit even closer together, to lean against him, to hold his hand even though it’s just the two of them hanging out in their backyard. Just to feel him close. It’s ridiculous and slightly disturbing and _very_ embarrassing.

He and Shane have never been that type of friends, the kind that just easily display signs of affection. Not even at the WITSEC center, where they both could’ve probably used a hug after experiencing the most batshit crazy thing that could’ve ever happened to them. But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe his body is just suddenly confused by all of the fake hand holding and the fake kissing.

As summer begins to make way for fall, Ryan tries not to dwell on it too much. It’ll go away. It has to, right? It has to. So he pushes away any thought that tries to look deeper. He looks away any time his brain reminds him that the last time he had been this aware of someone, he was seventeen, and all he could think about was — _no, no, no_ , not going there. This is different. He can't think about it.

He focuses instead on the ominous nip of cold in the air. He fully resents it, not at all ready to face another brutal winter. If he focuses enough on that, maybe he can go on pretending not to notice whatever strange thing is happening to him.


	4. Chapter 4

FALL

Fall brings with it bright, vibrant colors. Shane loves it. Every time they go outside it’s a little like stepping into a fall catalog. Ryan, however, is very much not into it. He has taken to wearing thick scarves every time they go out. It’s not even that cold yet, but he is determined to make an enemy out of any weather below seventy degrees.

Shane has caught him several times glaring at the trees as if they’re to blame for summer being over. He’s pretty sure he once heard Ryan grumble, “Stupid leaves,” at a small pile before kicking it. The memory still makes Shane laugh. There’s something so hilarious to him about Ryan grumbling at nature, shaking his fist at the weather like a deranged old man. It’s moments like that that make him really glad they stuck together.

He’s always found Ryan funny, has always liked being around him. Even when they vehemently disagreed about something (mostly ghosts) he would still prefer to argue with Ryan than to talk to someone else. But living with him has made Shane appreciate him on a completely new level, something deeper than he ever thought possible. Ryan is thoughtful and brave and constantly surprising. Their brains work on the same wavelength but from opposite sides, keeping things interesting. And somewhere along the way, Ryan has gained the ability to make Shane’s heart glow with fondness.

It happens daily. He feels it whenever he sees Ryan wears those frilly aprons at work. He feels it when Ryan laughs at his jokes or when Ryan baby-talks to Obi. Sometimes he feels it for no reason at all, just sees Ryan walking around the house and feels a rush of affection for him. This must be the sort of thing that only a shared traumatic experience can provide. What he feels, this new bond formed between them, is deeper than just being good friends. Ryan is family. Shane knows for a fact that he would do anything for him, that all he wants to do is make sure that Ryan is safe and happy.

Shane has always considered himself adaptable. He did fine in Schaumburg; he did fine in L.A. Hell, Anatole is just the sort of place that Shane had always thought about retiring to. Some place quiet and peaceful, surrounded by nature. But Ryan had big dreams about what was going to come after Unsolved. They both did, but he remembers the bright, passionate way Ryan would talk about them starting their own channel. They’d been talking to Steven Lim about possible shows they could cheaply produce, and Shane knows how hard it must’ve been for him to let go of those dreams.

So Shane tries a little harder, does as much as he can to make Ryan happy with their new life here.

***

“Any news on your end, boys?” Allen asks during one of their usual check-ins.

They’ve got Allen on speakerphone, Ryan holding the phone between them as they sit on the couch. Shane says, “I got a job. As much as I loved Ryan being my sugar daddy, I needed my financial independence.”

Allen laughs. “Understandable. What’s the job? Nothing you’ll get photographed in, I hope.”

“No, it’s at the library. Most of it is helping people log on to their email and helping with printing issues. Stuff like that.”

“That sounds great, just keep people away from Buzzfeed content when you can. There are still some videos where you two are in the background.”

Ryan frowns at that, a miserable look on his face, and Shane feels a helpless pang in his chest at the sigh. “I’ll steer clear of it,” Shane promises, eyes still on Ryan’s face.

“So easy,” Allen says happily. “See, that’s why you two are my favorite case. Well, that and you guys haven’t committed any crimes for the mob. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Shane says a little belatedly as Ryan continues to stay silent.

Allen goes on, “I was thinking of dropping by next week, if that's alright. I just wanna walk around, keep an eye out. Just a protocol.”

“Uh,” Shane says, trying to make eye contact with Ryan, but Ryan is still frowning at the phone in his hand, looking even more upset than he did a minute ago. “Sure. Uh, what day?”

With Ryan no longer participating in the call, Shane clumsily makes the arrangement, agreeing to have Allen drop by next Thursday. Shane waits until the call ends to ask Ryan, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says, still avoiding eye contact. His voice has a sharpness to it as he says unconvincingly, “I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t sound fine to me.”

Ryan looks agitated now as he briefly meets Shane’s eyes before looking away again. He stands up, restless, and says, “I just — I hate remembering that it’s all gone. That was all of our work, and it just —” He takes a sharp, deep breath, hands coming up to gesticulate at nothing. “I just feel like shit every time I remember it’s gone, and now Allen is _coming here_? To our _house_?”

“...Which is bad?” Shane guesses, watching as Ryan half paces around, looking more and more like he wants to break something.

“ _Yes!_ ”

“I don’t follow.”

“Because we’re not actually together! He’s gonna find it suspicious that we have separate bedrooms.”

“I’m pretty sure Allen knows,” Shane points out, which only seems to make Ryan react worse.

“He suspects. He doesn’t _know_ know, and if he figures it out — what if they force us to get a divorce?”

“Okay, okay,” Shane says, standing as well and grabbing Ryan by the arms because he looks like he’s practically vibrating with anxious energy. “I really don’t think he’d make us get divorced, but — _but_ ,” he emphasizes when Ryan opens his mouth to protest, “we can move into one bedroom while he’s here to make you feel better. Allen comes in, sees all of our stuff together, and we’re safe. Sounds good?”

Ryan melts a little in Shane’s grip, shoulders relaxing slightly. “Okay,” he says, though he looks doubtful. “We can make it work.”

“We’ll make it work,” he agrees and claps Ryan’s shoulder. “It’ll be like a sleepover.”

***

“Thank you so much,” Mrs. Ericson says, turning to smile at Shane sitting next to her. “Y’know I took a computer class when these darn things came out, but I never got the hang of it. You’ve been so helpful.”

Shane smiles back. “My pleasure.”

And it really is. It’s been a pleasant gig so far. More often than not he has a nice time chatting with people as he helps them. During lulls, Jim lets him sit behind the help desk and read, which is a pretty good perk. More importantly, though, having this job gives Shane something to do while Ryan’s at work. Jim had offered him the job after Shane had become a much more frequent visitor to the library, sometimes offering to help the other patrons just to pass the time. Jim had smiled as Shane complained about the house feeling weird and empty when it was just him and said, “How about a job here, then?”

Everyone on staff is great, but Shane especially likes Jim. He always seems to be in a good mood, an air of confidence and control around him that makes him seem like a leader. Plus, Shane always appreciates being able to bond over having husbands.

It's pretty cute when Jim's husband Simon drops by and he practically lights up at the sight of him. Simon is a bit more on the serious side, his back always ramrod straight, but he considerably softens the second that he's near Jim, voice and eyes soft as they talk. He always seems pleased whenever he's walking away and Jim calls after him, "See ya later, handsome."

"You gotta keep the spark alive," Jim had told Shane, grinning.

"I should tell Ryan he's handsome more often," Shane had said, imagining Ryan’s reaction. He’d probably laugh and tell him to stop being so weird.

Still, it's good advice, and Shane files it away in his brain. He always collects any little tips Jim gives about compromises and the value of listening and being there for each other. That last one is especially helpful as Shane helps Ryan move into Shane's room for Allen's visit.

He doesn't really understand Ryan's anxiety over it, but clearly it's been gnawing at him. Ryan has carefully arranged Shane's room so that their stuff is perfectly intermixed, leaving Ryan's room practically empty.

"It'll be fine," Shane says encouragingly from the couch as they wait for Allen to arrive.

Ryan just makes a grumbling, annoyed sort of groan as he walks nervously back towards the living room after checking Shane's room for quite possibly the tenth time.

It’s almost six in the afternoon when Allen arrives. He grins at them as he stands in their living room and says, “Still happily married, I see.”

Shane squeezes Ryan, who is tucked so stiffly under his arm that it almost feels like he’s holding a statue. “Our love grows every day.”

Allen laughs as he begins to look around the room, slowly taking everything in. “You guys do know you can decorate the place right? Throw some art on the wall and stuff. Make it a little homier.”

“I guess we could,” Shane says, looking around as well. The walls are bare, and it’s true that they haven’t really acquired much stuff yet. Seeing it through Allen’s eyes, he frowns slightly as he realizes it does look a bit unlived in, still.

“How many people have come over?”

Ryan says, “Just our neighbor, Jennifer, a few times.”

Allen nods, continuing to walk around the room. “You’re still newlyweds. Maybe you’re into minimalism. If she hasn’t commented on it, it’s probably easy to shrug off.”

“Wanna see the rest of the house?” Ryan asks, and Shane wonders if Allen can hear the challenge in Ryan’s voice the way Shane can.

“Sure,” Allen says easily, smiling pleasantly as he follows Ryan to Shane’s room.

Ryan has always had a good eye. He probably would’ve been a great director, and it shows from the way he artfully staged Shane’s bedroom to look evenly shared. Their shoes are tossed carelessly together in the corner. A book on each nightstand. Allen walks around approvingly.

“The bed is a little small for the both of you,” Allen says. “I guess we should’ve gotten you a queen instead of a full.”

Shane shrugs. “We like to cuddle.”

Allen chuckles as he heads out of the bedroom. “Well feel free to upgrade, if you want. I’ll allocate a little more to next month’s allowance to spruce up the place. Make a house a home, all that jazz.”

It’s a small house and therefore a short tour. Ryan still looks tense and hesitant as they go from room to room, but if Allen notices, he doesn’t mention it.

It’s another thirty minutes before Allen says, “Well, I’m happy to see you boys have settled in. I’ll be around town tomorrow morning while you two go about your day. If you see me, pretend like I’m not here. I’ll come to say goodbye in the afternoon before I head back home.”

Ryan asks, “Where are you staying?”

“There’s a cute little bed and breakfast not too far away. I’ll hit that up for the night.”

“We have a spare bedroom. You can stay there, if you’d like. It sits empty.”

Allen smiles, the one that says he’s in on the joke. “A very kind offer, but really, I’ve already made the reservation. You lovebirds enjoy your night.”

They stand outside, both waving goodbye to Allen, Shane’s arm around Ryan’s shoulder again.

The second they step back inside, Ryan whines miserably, “He _knows_.”

He definitely knows, but Shane still isn’t sure why Ryan is so fixated on it. “He can’t really know,” he says, meaning the words to be comforting, but they don’t seem to do anything to cheer Ryan up. “I think it went well. He’s certainly not going to force us to get a divorce.”

It takes a moment, but Ryan does eventually say sulkily, “I guess.” He looks towards their bedrooms and huffs in annoyance. “Now to move everything back.”

“We can do that tomorrow.” Shane bumps Ryan’s shoulder, hoping to lighten his mood. “C’mon, you promised me a sleepover. Stop being such a little grinch.”

“I am not,” Ryan says indignantly, but he follows Shane to the kitchen where Shane fixes them up a bowl of ice cream, which he has found always puts Ryan in a better mood.

Later that night, when they’re both side by side in Shane’s bed, the lights off, Ryan says softly, “Shane?”

“Hmm?” Shane turns and sees that Ryan is already facing him. He can’t make out much in the dark, but he senses more than sees Ryan’s hesitation.

“I just… I know I overreacted, and I’m sorry. I got all worked up in my head, and it was stupid.”

“We like Allen,” Shane says, a little wary of saying the wrong thing. “I really don’t think he’s going to hurt us.”

“I know. I know, but I just…” He sighs. “I don’t know what I would do if they separated us. I feel like we're finally settling down here. I don’t want to move again.”

Shane doesn’t really know what to say that he hasn’t already. He opts to reach out, his hand finding Ryan’s arm under the covers. He squeezes lightly and promises, “We’ll stick together.”

Ryan doesn’t say anything for a long moment, long enough that Shane thinks that maybe that was the end of the conversation. Shane doesn’t move his hand. Then Ryan asks, “How long do you think we can realistically keep this up? Three years?”

Shane hadn’t really thought about that. He frowns as his brain refuses to wrestle with the question, instead going blank. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. All of his long term plans were scrapped, and the only thing that remains are the short term ones he now shares with Ryan. “As long as we both want to, I guess. However long we’re in the program.”

“But we could technically be in it our whole lives, even after they stop supporting us. It depends on who’s after us.” Ryan huffs out a laugh, but there’s no real humor behind it. “Isn’t that weird? We’re going to live this lie for the rest of our lives. Even when we eventually get divorced, you’ll still always be my first husband.”

Shane squeezes Ryan’s arm again and in fake outrage says, “ _First?_ How many husbands are you gonna have, Ryan?”

Ryan laughs, this time for real, and it soothes some of the uneasiness in Shane’s heart. “As many as I want!” he jokes back. “Wives. Husbands. The possibilities are endless.”

Shane takes his hand off Ryan’s arm as he moves to lie on his stomach, still facing him. “Do you really think you’ll remarry?”

“Maybe. I’d feel bad having to lie, but maybe if I meet the right girl, y’know?”

Shane makes a noncommittal sound. He hasn't thought about any of this before, and it feels strange to think about now. Like thinking about what life would be like after a meteor hit Earth, or something. Almost impossible to wrap his head around.

“Would you?” Ryan asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just go live in a lighthouse. Like Robert Pattinson, in _The Lighthouse_.”

“Oh my god, I cannot have another conversation about this.”

“A brilliant performance. A fantastic piece of cinema.”

“I’m going to sleep,” Ryan says, but his voice is light and he giggles just a few seconds later.

Ryan falls asleep first. Shane hears his breathing even out, the sound familiar after all of the nights spent together throughout the years. Sleep doesn’t come to Shane as easily. He feels a little restless as he lays there, staring at Ryan next to him. He thinks about Ryan meeting some girl, falling in love. He tries to picture himself there as Ryan marries her and starts a whole new life. Shane just wants him to be happy. He’d support him, he knows he would.

_But it’ll be different,_ he thinks. _I’ll miss him._

***

Halloween is taken very seriously in Anatole. The last week of September, people were already itching to get going. A few jackolanterns popped up here and there; a few fake cobwebs began to adorn corners. The first day of October it seemed as if the whole town collectively put out every single Halloween decoration it owned. Even the library got a little spooktacular makeover with fake candles flickering all around and a friendly looking witch near the entrance reminding kids that reading is magical.

Halloween used to be Ryan’s favorite holiday. He always had a costume and would watch scary movies all month long. But Ryan doesn’t say anything about it as they stroll around town.He must notice it — it would be impossible not to notice — but Shane has picked up by now that Ryan doesn’t really like to talk about their old life. He all but flinches if Shane even gets close to the subject.

Maybe he's ignoring it because he doesn’t like to be reminded of his life back in L.A. Or maybe he doesn’t feel sad about it at all, and Shane is just projecting. It’s just that lately Ryan has been staring off into the distance more than usual, thoughts somewhere else. It unsettles Shane, makes him stay up some nights wondering if everything is okay, if maybe he should be doing more. Either way, Shane doesn’t bring it up.

It’s a week before Halloween when Ryan surprises him by saying, “We should get costumes.”

“Oh yeah?” he says, eyebrows raised in surprise. He had been assuming they were going to completely let the holiday pass them by. “What should we be?"

“We?” Ryan looks amused at that, his smile teasing. “You wanna do a couple’s costume?”

Shane shrugs a shoulder. “If you want to, yeah, why not? Think of all the dynamic duos we could be.”

“Such as?”

“Uh, like, Mario and Luigi.”

Ryan laughs, head thrown back. “That’s your idea of a couple’s costume? They’re brothers.”

“Okay, okay, maybe then, uh, we go classic. Sherlock Holmes and Watson.”

“I get to be Holmes!”

“I’m taller.”

“So what? Jude Law is taller than Robert Downy Jr.”

“The books clearly state —”

“You’ve already grown several hideous mustaches in the past. Might as well do it again.”

Shane narrows his eyes as Ryan fails horribly at hiding a grin. "We both could be Sherlock."

"A Sherlock without his Watson is just sad."

" _Fine_ ," Shane says, which makes Ryan punch at the air triumphantly. "But you have to tell me I look just as handsome as Jude Law."

Ryan doesn’t make any promises that night, but on Halloween, as they head towards the giant party being thrown in town, Ryan does turn to him and say, “You look pretty good.”

Shane stands to his tallest height, smoothing down his waistcoat. “Thank you,” he says primly. “Better than Jude Law?”

“Well I don’t know about that,” Ryan says and laughs loudly at Shane’s indignant, “ _Hey!_ ”

Ryan looks pretty good too. Shane might pass for some random Victorian gentleman, but Ryan is in the full Sherlock ensemble, iconic hat on his head and pipe in hand. A few people compliment them as they mill around the party. Ryan’s large grin every time it happens makes Shane’s heart swell with its usual fondness.

They run into Karen, dressed as a classic witch, pointy hat, pointy shoes. She hugs them and yells excitedly over the music, “You two look so good! Holy shit, finally Holmes and Watson can fuck!”

They laugh and hang out with her and some of her friends, the whole mood of the night getting rowdier as the party keeps going and people keep drinking. Karen convinces them to go out on the dance floor despite their protests that they’re terrible dancers. It doesn’t matter much since everyone dancing also can’t dance, so it’s really more moving with the crowd. But it’s fun and silly, and Shane loves seeing Ryan having a great time. He has a hand on Ryan’s waist as they move together in the crowd, loudly and badly singing along to “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You,” and it’s the most fun he can remember having in a long, long time.

They’re still a little drunk when they stumble home late that night. Ryan begs him to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and who is Shane to deny him anything? Ryan sits on his usual spot on the counter, both of them still in their costumes, Ryan’s hat a bit skewed as he laughs.

Who could have ever thought they’d end up here, drunk and giggling and married? Sometimes Shane feels like nothing really seems impossible anymore. Well, ghosts are still almost certainly not real, but even that belief feels as flexible as it’s ever felt. If they were to actually see a ghost, Shane thinks he wouldn’t be that surprised. Things change. Things transform.

And as they eat their sandwiches right there in the kitchen, Shane leaning on the counter next to where Ryan’s sitting, he can’t help but wonder what other things he might not know about. Ryan always manages to surprise him even after all this time spent together.

So between bites, he asks a question that had been rattling around in his brain: “Who was the guy you kissed?” Ryan frowns, confused, so Shane adds, “Remember, you said you’d kissed a guy before.”

“Oh!” He laughs. “I thought you meant tonight, and I was gonna remind you that you’re the only guy I’ve kissed tonight. Uh, I didn’t say it was _a_ guy, though. I’ve kissed several guys, plural. I don’t really remember who, though. It was a spin the bottle thing in college. That was a popular game to play freshman year.”

“Wow. How very adventurous.”

Ryan seems to hesitate, studying the last bit of his sandwich. He doesn’t look at Shane as he says, “In high school though, I had this friend. His name was Mikey, and sometimes his parents would go out of town. I’d spend the whole weekend over. Um…” He glances at Shane only for a second before his eyes are back down. “We didn’t kiss, but we were two horny seventeen year olds with access to the Playboy channel.”

Shane has to remind himself to breathe, so wrapped up in what Ryan’s saying that he’s accidentally holding his breath. Ryan's face is a mix of embarrassment and incredulity, like he has no idea why he’s saying this.

“It was late one night, and… I guess we went a little crazy having the house to ourselves. We ended up...y’know.”

“I very much do not know, but I’d like to.”

Ryan rolls his eyes, a nervous smile on his lips as he tries to laugh it off. “Jesus, you’re gonna make me say it? We jerked each other off.”

Shane can feel his eyes going wide, but he quickly recovers before Ryan looks at him, studying his reaction. “Human sexuality is varied,” he says in what he hopes is an encouraging tone. His mind is racing, thoughts unable to settle on any particular detail. Here he is, married to Ryan, holding his hand and kissing him in public, and he had no idea.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it varied for you?”

“I already told you you’re my first boy kiss, Ryan. No need to rub it in my face that I’ve never had a homosexual romance.”

Ryan snorts out a laugh. “I would not call what Mikey and I did a romance. We pretty much never hung out alone again after that.” He gives Shane a calculating look and asks, “Have you ever thought about it? Being with a guy?”

Shane shrugs. “I’ve thought about it. I mean, who isn’t curious what it would be like, right? And I'll tell you what, if Oscar Isaac said he wanted to sleep with me, I can’t really see myself turning down the offer.”

“Or Robert Pattinson,” Ryan teases.

“Oh god, yeah, for sure. I’d jump at the chance to have sex with Robert Pattinson.”

Ryan laughs. “I don’t even know why I asked. Your crush on him borders on _Misery_ levels.”

Shane’s mouth is full from his last sandwich bite as he indignantly replies, “ _Hey!_ No, I’d treat him very nice. He’d have a good time.”

He takes a moment to finish chewing as Ryan keeps giggling to himself. Maybe it’s the alcohol still clouding his brain or the late hour, but he can’t stop wondering what it was like for Ryan. He’s too full of inappropriate questions he wants answers to: _How did it happen? Did you like it? Where were you? Was it only once?_

The question tumbles out before he can catch it: “What was it like?”

“Um…” Ryan is back to frowning, like he’s thinking hard about it, and Shane is about to apologize and tell him he doesn’t have to answer when Ryan says, “It was awkward, mostly. It just sort of happened, and it was like one minute we were watching the screen and the next…” He shakes his head like he’s trying to clear away the image. “It got the job done, but it was pretty weird.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Not really. I mean, I’m not sure if a handjob was worth losing our friendship, but…” Ryan gives a little one shoulder shrug. “It wasn't bad.”

Shane can’t stop thinking about it, not as he’s brushing his teeth, not as he climbs into bed. It’s a bit hard to wrap his brain around it. Not that Ryan’s a huge homophobe or like he’s that much a bro, but Shane would’ve never guessed. A seventeen year old Ryan hooking up with another boy. Who would’ve ever thought?


	5. Chapter 5

WINTER

The snow is back. The cold seeps into Ryan’s bones and bites at his lungs, and he fucking hates it. He hates how sometimes it feels like he can’t escape the cold even in his bed under several blankets. He hates the way he has to brace himself each time he opens the door to go outside. Most of all, though, he hates that each day they creep closer and closer to the anniversary of that fateful knock on his door in the middle of the night.

The invisible weight of everything they’ve lost clings to him more and more each day. It makes him restless. Some days it feels as if all the progress they’ve made together has vanished, leaving him just as scared and horrified as he was one year ago. God, has it really been that long? How is it possible that they kept going after what happened?

Shane has been acting differently too. He’s quieter. More gentle around him, which is worse. Every time Shane does it, every soft-eyed smile he gives him full of earnest kindness, Ryan wants to drop in his arms and let everything else fade away. He wants to completely give up and give in, knowing full well that Shane would catch him. But he can’t.

God, that would just be weird. He shouldn’t want that. He doesn’t know _why_ he wants that. Shane holding him wouldn’t fix it, wouldn’t make what happened to them go away. It wouldn't take away the guilt of knowing this is all his fault. It’s just a weird thought he keeps having, a weird urge that Ryan needs to try harder to ignore. It’s confusion brought on by their intimacy that isn’t _really_ intimacy.

He and Shane don’t talk about it. Maybe they should — it would probably be much healthier if they did — but they don’t. Ryan doesn’t even know where he would begin. He doesn’t think he could make himself say it. _Hey, I’m sad and I miss my family and my old life and I would appreciate it if you held me_ — yeah no, it’s too ridiculous even in his head. There’s no way he could bring himself to admit it out loud.

What happened to them wasn’t fair. They had such a promising future. They had big plans to start their own channel, big ideas that are now all dead. Little by little they’ll be forgotten by the world until no one remembers them at all. Ryan feels bitter the more he thinks about it, and the more he thinks about it, the darker the cloud above him gets until he feels like he’s walking around with a constant lump in his throat.

Worst of all is the thought that if it’s been one whole year since it happened, then he’s one year closer to losing Shane too. It’s a fear that has begun to creep into him little by little. How long can they play pretend? How long until Shane gets tired of it, tired of Ryan? How long until he inevitably meets someone else and wants something real? The more Ryan thinks about it, the more frightened he feels about the future. It’s bound to happen, and then Ryan will be alone.

The dreaded date, December tenth, arrives, and Ryan can’t stop himself from groaning miserably into his pillow as he wakes up. His room is cold, and it feels as though someone injected misery acid into his veins. Even pushing back the covers feels like it takes too much effort. A whole year since Ryan Steven Bergara disappeared from the face of the earth. A year since he last spoke to his family. A year of pretending to be someone else. A lifetime of hiding in front of him.

Shane is already in the kitchen as Ryan trudges out. It’s a Tuesday. Ryan doesn’t have to work today, but Shane does. God, just the thought of sitting around their empty house makes him feel like he swallowed a black hole.

“Hey,” Shane says. He’s dressed for work already, leaning against the counter. He must’ve shaved this morning. He looks younger without any of the scruff.

“Hey.”

“Want some coffee?”

Ryan nods, and Shane doesn’t say anything else as Ryan sits at their little table. He pours him a cup and adds the right amount of sugar. He hands it to him before sitting down as well. They sip their coffees in silence.

It’s good coffee. Ryan’s not sure why Shane’s cups always come out a little better. Maybe it’s just in his head, but he swears it’s true. He’s asked Shane before if he adds anything else to it, but Shane always gives him an infuriating, haughty smile and declares, “The secret ingredient is love,” instead of a real answer.

Shane breaks the silence by asking, “Want to come with me?”

“Sure,” Ryan says and hopes the relief wasn’t too obvious in his voice.

As soon as they get to the library, Ryan grabs a book and sits down. He tries not to stare too much as Shane goes around helping people, but it’s hard not to. Shane must know a ton of these people’s passwords by now, but they all grin at Shane with delight as he jokes around with them. Shane has always been good at helping others. Whenever Ryan would freak himself out on locations, Shane would tease him, sure, but he would always make sure Ryan was okay. Ryan remembers feeling terrified and the sudden rush of comfort Shane could instantly bring just by laying a hand on his shoulder. That part, at least, hasn’t changed. Shane always makes things better.

As the day goes on, Shane keeps catching Ryan’s eye as he walks by and sticking his tongue out at him. Ryan does it back, and by the fourth time, he can’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it. He at least feels better than he did that morning.

“Shane’s great,” Jim says when he stops to chat with Ryan. “I need to start pulling him into other projects soon. People always ask for him when they come to events.”

“He’s a real charmer.” Ryan’s heart glows with pride for Shane. “That’s why he has that not so secret admirer,” he says, referring to the woman that Shane has told him about that always comes in to flirt with him. Ryan always pictures a sweet little old lady trying her best to flirt with the cute, new employee, and it’s never not funny.

“Marlene? Oh yeah, let me tell you, she didn’t become a regular in here until we hired Shane. He’s doing wonders for our numbers.”

“Guess I have competition,” Ryan jokes. “I’ll have to send him to work in uglier outfits.”

“Talking about me?” Shane suddenly says from behind Ryan, making him jump. Shane laughs, placing a hand on Ryan’s waist, completely ignoring Ryan’s attempt at a glare.

“Bad things only,” Ryan says.

Jim says chuckles, crossing his arms. “Look at you two. I can’t remember the last time I saw a couple this besotted.”

Ryan forces himself to smile at that despite the sudden stab of guilt that hits him. What would Jim think if he knew that he and Shane are just imposters?

Ryan can’t really stop thinking about it, even as he and Shane go to Maple Leaf to grab lunch. They’re halfway done with their meal when Ryan asks, voice low, always afraid they’ll be overheard, “Do you ever feel bad about lying? About us, y’know, being a couple.”

Shane looks surprised by the question, eyebrows going up. “No,” he says, and Ryan can feel himself deflate. “Do you?”

“Sometimes. It’s just kinda weird lying about such a big thing.”

“Technically we’re not lying, though. We are married.”

“Technically, but still. I just… I don’t know. Don’t you ever wish —” _that we were really married_ , Ryan almost says but catches himself in time. “Just that, y’know, that it hadn’t happened?”

Shane looks serious, like he’s choosing his words very carefully. He finally says, “I guess I try not to think about it like that. I would’ve never wanted this to happen to us, but since it did, I just try to make the best of it.”

“I guess it’s just harder today since it’s… .”

“The anniversary.”

“Yeah.”

“I know.” He reaches out, hand landing on Ryan’s arm that’s resting on the table. It instantly helps him feel more anchored. “But we’ve made it this far right? We’ll just keep chugging along.”

***

Breathing becomes a bit easier now that they’re on the other side of the anniversary, and his thoughts turn to finding a Christmas gift for Shane. It’s not only hard to find something good, but considering the fact that they’re practically attached at the hip, it’s also hard to find time to get it home and wrap it without Shane seeing.

“I think we should get a tree,” Shane had said one morning, and they spent their entire day off getting a tree and a few decorations to put on it. They had a minor fight when it came to picking out what kind of Christmas lights to get, but ultimately Shane gave in after Ryan insisted, “The color ones make me wanna barf!” Overall it had been pretty nice. They put on Christmas songs as they set it up and worked together to decorate it, and by the end of the day, as they stared at their tree, Ryan felt a warm glow in his heart. Pride. Joy. Other mushy, embarrassing feelings that he refused to examine closely.

The tree is a little on the bare side since they don’t have a ton of ornaments, but it’s a good base. _We’ll buy more next year,_ Ryan thinks, and he’s glad to realize he’s already looking forward to seeing it grow. Obi likes to sit under it and nap, which is the cutest fucking thing Ryan has ever seen. They take approximately ten pictures of him a day.

The snow is still the worst, but the doses of Christmas cheer have at least made it tolerable. He does his best to ignore the slight ache in his heart from remembering his family’s big Christmas parties, and instead he tries his best to appreciate how Shane loves Christmas movies almost as much as he does and how warm it feels whenever he makes Shane laugh.

They stay up late Christmas Eve drinking spiked cider. They manage to put a little Santa hat on Obi for exactly five seconds, long enough to take a couple of pictures, and Ryan’s face hurts from laughing so much. He doesn’t even notice when the clock strikes midnight. They’re sitting on the couch when he bothers to check the time and sees it’s already 1:04 AM.

“Oh we missed it!” he says, frowning at his phone. “My family always hugs at midnight.”

“We can still hug.” Shane turns his body to fully face him and opens his arms. “Come here, handsome.”

Ryan laughs. His body feels clumsy and warm and tipsy. He lets himself all but fall forward, wrapping his arms around Shane. His head rests naturally on Shane’s shoulder. It’s a good hug, strong and solid.

“Merry Christmas,” Shane says, laying his head on top of Ryan’s.

“Merry Christmas.” This feels so nice and Shane smells good and Ryan doesn’t know when exactly he closed his eyes but they’re closed now.

“Hey,” Shane says softly, arms tightening around Ryan just a little bit. “You know that I love you, right? I know we’ve said it in a joking way, but I mean it.”

Ryan can feel himself smile as his heart glows at the words. “Yeah. I know you do. I love you too. You’re the only person I could be fake married to.”

“You’re the best fake husband. You make it easy to be married to you.”

“No, you’re the best fake husband.”

“No, no, I insist.”

Ryan laughs. This feels good — probably too good. It’s things like this that make him feel so confused sometimes. How long has this hug lasted? Too long, probably. They’re not really hugging so much as holding each other now. _It’s probably weird_ , he thinks, and forces himself to pull back from it.

Shane is smiling at him, and Ryan mirrors it. Their knees are still touching. Is that weird to notice? Is it weird that he wouldn’t have minded at all if Shane had kissed his forehead or stroked his hair?

Shane asks, “Do you want your gift now or tomorrow?”

“Now, obviously!”

“Okay, okay,” Shane says, laughing as he stands up. “I’ll go get it.”

“I’ll get yours too,” Ryan says and hurries to his room where Shane’s present hides under his bed. It’s heavy, and he has to be very careful as he takes it to the living room, scared that he’ll accidentally drop it.

Shane comes out holding a large rectangular box nicely wrapped with a big bow. Ryan feels a jolt of excitement just from seeing it.

Ryan says, “Here, open yours first!”

Shane places the big box on the couch and takes his present from Ryan. “Heavy,” he says, grinning at Ryan. “What’s in here, hand weights? Are you trying to get me to work out?” He laughs at his own joke even as he tears the paper. “Oh holy shit!” He carefully lifts the bust of Alexander the Great out of the box and carefully cradles it. “So handsome,” he says before his eyes land on Ryan again. “I love it! Thank you.”

“Now give me mine!”

Shane laughs and gently puts down Alexander before handing Ryan the present. Ryan tears at the paper with clumsy hands, but as soon as he gets it out of the way, he freezes. It’s a guitar.

Shane sounds a bit nervous as he says, “If you don’t like it we can return it. I just thought — I mean, I know you had one and now that we have more time, I thought maybe you could pick it back up again.”

Ryan looks up, probably misty-eyed, but he doesn’t care. He wants to hug Shane again, he wants to tell him he loves him again, he wants things that he doesn’t really understand. So he doesn’t do any of that, just jokes, “I can’t wait to torture you with my shitty playing.”

“I’ve already bought ear plugs. We’re all set.”

***

New Years gets ruined by Ryan falling sick. He feels achy and miserable and is never really sure what time it is. It really fucking sucks, but at least he has Shane to take care of him. When Ryan had a fever, he stayed home and kept an eye on him. He made sure Ryan took his medicine on time and made sure he ate.

Ryan wakes up as he feels the bed dip. He blinks a few times, feeling a little disoriented, and sees Shane sitting on the bed.

Shane smiles at him. He’s wearing a beanie and holding a plastic bag. “Hey, little guy. How’re ya feeling?”

Ryan groans miserably.

“Yeah, you look like shit,” Shane says as he pulls out a new box of medicine out of the bag. “I went and got you some more drugs. And also this.” He pulls out a Gatorade. “It’s Rain Berry. I figured purple is one of the Lakers colors so you might like it.”

Ryan manages a weak laugh, but it quickly turns into a gross sounding cough. “Thanks,” he says once he can breathe again.

Shane has a concerned frown on his face as he asks, “You hanging in there?” Without waiting for an answer, he puts his hand on Ryan’s forehead. “It doesn’t seem like your fever’s back.”

“I’m sick of being sick. I wanna feel better right now. Make me feel better, Shane.”

“Actually, I did get you a little something to cheer you up. Look.” He pulls out a card from the bag and hands it to him.

There’s a little dog tucked into bed, a box of tissues next to him. It says _Feeling Ruff_ on the front and on the inside Shane wrote in his usual messy scrawl, _Get well soon! It’s boring when you’re asleep all the time. Also, happy first anniversary, sweaty!_

“Get it?” Shane says, grinning. “‘Cause you were really sweaty yesterday?”

Ryan rolls his eyes, but he knows his smile is huge as he reaches over and props the card up on his bedside table. “You’re a comedic genius,” he says as dryly as he can manage.

“Damn right I am.”

“Thank you. Seriously, thanks for doing all of this.”

“What are husbands for, right? Plus I’d be the first person the cops would look into if anything happens to you. I gotta be careful.”

“Oh, I see. So it’s just a selfish endeavor.”

Shane dramatically rolls his eyes and sighs. “I mean, _I guess_ I, like, want you to be healthy and not dead, or whatever.”

“That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Ryan jokes, which makes Shane laugh. Ryan feels a rush of affection and gratitude for him, and suddenly he deeply wishes they could’ve gone out to celebrate their anniversary. Even if it’s fake, it still could’ve been nice. “No, but really, you’ve been great,” he says. “I’m sorry I ruined our anniversary by being sick.”

“Don’t worry about it. You can make it up to me later. Now drink your purple gator juice, c’mon.”

Ryan does as he’s told and lets Shane fuss over him, fluffing his pillows and making him take his medicine when an alarm goes off on Shane’s phone. Ryan can’t remember the last time someone took care of him like this when he was sick. Probably all the way back to middle school when his mom used to baby him. Shane really is doing more than he needs to, and Ryan tells himself he needs to make up the missed anniversary with something special when he gets better.

He doesn’t know when he falls back asleep, but the next time he wakes up, he’s surprised to find that he’s not alone. Shane is on the other side of the bed above the covers, sleeping. Ryan smiles at the comforting feeling of having him near and closes his eyes again. He feels his chest bloom with love for Shane.

He can’t stop the thought from forming in his head, can’t stop the familiar wish that echoes there. He wishes they were really married. He wishes that they were really in love. _It would be nice,_ he thinks. _I want to keep him._

He’s too sick and too tired to think about what it means. Before drifting back to sleep he thinks, _Gotta make it up to him on Valentine’s Day._


	6. Chapter 6

SPRING

It’s been a month since The Incident, and Shane can’t stop thinking about it.

It happened two days after Valentine’s Day — which, by the way, had been a perfectly lovely evening. They went to go see a movie and afterwards went to this surprisingly hip bar called Straight Shooters (which Shane is pretty sure is secretly a gay bar that lots of straight people accidentally go to). Then they went back home and heated up a frozen pizza. It was great! They had such a good time, and now…

It was entirely Shane’s fault — he can admit that. It was early in the morning, and Obi wasn’t screaming by his food bowl like usual. It was perfectly logical to wonder if maybe Ryan had fed him already. So he’d walked over to Ryan’s room and entered without knocking.

And he walked in on Ryan jerking off.

It all happened so quickly. He just remembers barging in, quickly realizing what all of the skin on display meant, and saying, “Oh shit!” He remembers scrambling to leave, averting his eyes. He remembers Ryan’s indignant, “Shane, _what the fuck!_ ”

“Sorry!” Shane had called through the door, safely on the other side. “I’ll just — I’ll be in my room, okay? You can finish up. Uh, take your time.”

There’d been no reply. Shane remembers his heart hammering away in his chest and remembers laughing to himself in his room. It was funny, really. Or, well, it should’ve been.

When Ryan eventually came out, fully dressed, just a minute before they had to head to work, he hadn’t looked at Shane at all. “We are never going to talk about that,” he’d said sternly as he marched towards the door.

“It’s a very natural act,” Shane had said as he followed him out. “There’s really nothing to be embarrassed —”

“We’re not talking about it!” Ryan had said hysterically, which had made Shane laugh as Ryan stomped towards the car.

And they haven’t talked about it since.

Really, it should be more surprising that it took this long for this type of situation to happen. Shane usually jerks off in the shower, and it gets the job done. The lack of sexual intimacy hasn't exactly been a problem, but maybe it's different for Ryan. Clearly he’d been a bit more, uh... _decadent_ when it came to taking care of business. At least from the fraction of a second that Shane saw.

Things were a little awkward for a couple of days between them, but after that they were back to normal — well, for the most part, at least. They go to work, they make dinner, they watch TV. Normal. But…

Shane can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t help but wonder what Ryan is doing any time they’re not in the same room. His mind instantly supplies with him possibilities, all of them explicit. And honestly? He doesn't find the thought unappealing. Quite the opposite.

He lays awake at night, wondering what it would be like to watch as Ryan wraps a hand around himself, what kind of sounds he would make. His brain easily pulls up details from all of the time they've spent together. More than once, Shane has had to guiltily reach down and jerk himself off, heart racing.

Shane had never kissed a guy before Ryan. He had never particularly wanted to, but now that he has, he finds that it's actually quite nice. Hell, he feels like they’ve even gotten good at it. He knows exactly how much to tilt his head, how much to lean down, each time rewarded by that little spark when their lips meet. And really, they've managed to kiss multiple times without it ever becoming weird, right? So he can't help but wonder what it would be like if he got to deepen their usual, chaste kiss. What if he pulled Ryan close? What if he got to touch him and make him feel good?

And okay, it’s probably just the sudden onslaught of horny-ness that is stopping him from thinking things through clearly, but what if he and Ryan helped each other out? Friends with benefits is almost always a terrible idea and everyone always thinks they’re going to be the exception — but what if he and Ryan really are? First of all, they’re already married. Can sex between two consenting, technically married people be wrong? They’d be mutually helping each other out. They would have fun. Plus, it doesn’t really have to be a big deal. If Ryan doesn’t want to, then they can just laugh it off and Shane can try to ignore this sudden attraction. But if Ryan does want to? Then it seems worth the risk.

Life is weird and short, and they almost got blown up. What’s a couple of handjobs between friends?

So he watches Ryan from the corner of his eye one night as they watch TV. Obi is curled up in Ryan’s lap, sleeping as Ryan pets him gently. Ryan is pretty handsome. How had Shane never noticed that before?

Shane waits until the end of the episode to say, “Hey, so I’ve been thinking. Remember when you told me about your friend in high school?”

Ryan instantly looks guarded, which is really not what Shane was going for. Ryan says cautiously, “Yeah?”

“I was just thinking that maybe… I mean, if you wanted to, uh...” The words don't come easily, and Shane is trying not to regret even bringing this up.

“You’re being really weird,” Ryan says, and he’s frowning now which is really not a good sign.

“I’m not being weird.”

“Yeah, you are. You keep looking at me, and it’s starting to freak me out.”

“No, I’m just —” Shane rolls his eyes. “I was trying to find a delicate way to ask if you wanted to have sex with me.”

Ryan visibly freezes. Several seconds tick by agonizingly slow before Ryan stutters out, “I — I mean — are you serious?”

“Yeah.” Shane shrugs a shoulder, praying it comes off as casual. “It doesn’t have to be, like, a whole _thing_ or anything.”

“But…” He’s still staring at Shane like he thinks this might be a prank. “Is this — I mean, _you_ want to?”

“Well I wouldn’t be proposing it if I didn’t.”

“But...why?”

“Why not? You have needs. I have needs. We’re already married.” For a second he considers admitting his sudden realization that he finds Ryan attractive but quickly decides against it when he realizes that might get weird if Ryan doesn’t want to. So he adds instead, “We already kiss, don’t we? Might as well add a few more things to the list.”

“Um.” Ryan looks down at Obi and very much not at Shane as he says, “I need to think about it. It’s not a no, but… I just need to think about it.”

“Okay,” Shane says, in what he hopes is a very normal voice. “Yeah, like I said, it’s not a big deal either way. Wanna watch another episode?”

“Sure,” Ryan says, still not looking at him, and Shane just hopes that he hasn’t accidentally made things permanently weird between them.

A week goes by, and Ryan doesn’t mention anything about his proposal. Shane swallows down his disappointment and resigns himself to the fact that it's more than likely a no. Thankfully things have stayed mostly normal between them. They go to work, they do their chores, they joke around. And if he catches Ryan quickly averting his eyes whenever Shane looks at him, he doesn’t mention it. The sooner they forget about this, the better.

Shane leans against the kitchen counter as he makes a list of what they need to get on their grocery run tomorrow. Definitely bread, peanut butter, and cereal — or as he calls them, The Ryan Staples. _Maybe we should start buying two boxes of cereal_ , he thinks just as Ryan walks into the kitchen.

He looks up from his list and says, “Hey, what if we diversified our cereal —” The rest of the sentence disappears from his brain as Ryan is suddenly standing _very_ close, arms on either side of Shane, boxing him in. “Um,” Shane says, brain offline.

Ryan looks determined as he leans up, and suddenly they’re kissing. _Really_ kissing, not just the chaste press of lips that they’re used to. He drops the pen and notepad he was holding, his hands going up to cup Ryan’s jaw. Ryan’s mouth is so inviting, and the feeling of their tongues brushing together sends heat directly to Shane’s stomach.

He feels dazed when Ryan pulls back and says, “I thought about it.”

“I see.”

“This is just like a friends with benefits thing, right?”

“Yeah,” Shane says easily, chest full of hope. “Yeah, it doesn’t have to be weird or complicated or anything. I mean, in a weird way, our lives would be more normal if we started having sex.”

Ryan huffs out a laugh at that before saying, “Right. Well, so… I’ve never… I’ve never done the friends with benefits thing. I’m not really sure what we do now.”

“I think we can figure it out with a bit of practice.”

They end up in Shane’s room. It’s only a little awkward as they sit carefully on the bed, neither quite knowing where to start, but it doesn’t detract at all from the thrilling excitement Shane feels knowing he’s allowed to touch Ryan like this now. They manage to lie down, Shane mostly on top of Ryan. Shane gets to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him, and it’s so much fucking better than Shane ever imagined. Shane’s hand finds its way under Ryan’s shirt, and there’s a victorious, primal feeling exploding in him at getting to touch Ryan’s warm skin.

Shane pulls back just a little, just enough to say, “Your heart’s beating really fast.”

“I know. I’m nervous.”

Shane laughs softly. What is there to be nervous about? It’s not like Shane is full of experience here. “Why? It’s just me.”

“I just... I don’t wanna mess up.”

“You won’t. It’s us. And we can stop if you —”

“No,” Ryan says quickly, hands tightening around Shane as if to prevent him from moving. As if Shane would want to go anywhere. “No, let’s keep going.”

It’s fascinating and so fucking hot getting to undress Ryan. To get to touch him where he never thought he would. There’s really no part of Shane that hesitates at the new type of anatomy under him. He just _wants._ But honestly, even if there had been any hesitation, Shane couldn’t imagine stopping because it’s _Ryan_. And all he wants to do is make Ryan feel good.

There’s only one tiny moment where they look at each other, where they both realize what they’re doing, and they laugh incredulously. But the laughter fades as Shane kisses Ryan again, as they develop a natural rhythm together, hands wrapped around each other.

Shane comes first, skin buzzing with pleasure, Ryan placing soft kisses along his jaw. He gets to watch as Ryan comes just a few minutes later, mouth open, eyes closed, and looking so fucking hot that Shane can’t imagine anything better. And there’s really no looking back after that.

***

Shane never understood those couples that slobbered all over each other everywhere, seemingly not caring about anything other than boning each other. In fact, he thought they were disgusting. So you can imagine the egg on his face when he realizes that he and Ryan have pretty much turned into one of them.

But it’s just that things with Ryan right now are _really_ fucking good. They’ve been taking their time discovering what each other likes. It’s been fun and exciting, and all it takes to get things going is a shared look. Most of his brain space now is reserved for thinking about Ryan and getting him to make this one _really_ fucking hot moan he makes sometimes.

People have definitely noticed. Jim gives him little smiles and curious looks every time Shane comes in with a little extra pep in his step. When they grab dinner with the Divorcee Club, Karen says sternly, “I’ll make you two sit apart if you exchange one more sexy look. Have compassion for me and my nonexistent sex life.” But it feels impossible to look at Ryan now and not want him. Everything is so new. He loves how Ryan feels, how much it seems as if Ryan just fits perfectly with him. He loves the weight of Ryan on his lap. He loves that Ryan is just as into this as he is.

This is probably the best idea Shane has ever had. It’s like he figured out the secret to eating cake and having it too. Life with Ryan is still normal. They do their chores. They laugh at stupid, ridiculously convoluted inside jokes. They still have separate bedrooms and are still friends first. But it’s undeniably better that they get to share this too.

Sometimes, during quiet moments at the library or right before he falls asleep, he wonders what other Shanes and Ryans are doing out there. If the multiverse theory is right and there are timelines where none of this ever happened, where they got to keep their normal lives — or hell, ones where they never did Buzzfeed Unsolved at all — then Shane hopes that their alternate selves figured this out. He hopes every single Shane gets to share all of these little moments with his Ryan, because otherwise they are really missing out.

***

“Hi, handsome,” a voice says, making Shane look up from where he’s sitting behind the counter. Marlene stands there with the same flirtatious smile she always gives him. With spring slowly turning to summer, she’s got on a very pretty sundress, her long blonde hair curled at the ends. Shane estimates she’s only barely in her early forties, though her clothes often suggest she’s still in her twenties. Not that they don’t suit her — quite the opposite, she often gives off an ageless vibe.

Shane smiles back. “Hey there. How was it?”

“Pretty good,” she says, handing over _Marie Antoinette: The Journey_. “Much better than that last book you recommended.”

Shane laughs. “You said you wanted something exciting. What’s more exciting than the bubonic plague? It could’ve been humanity’s eleventh hour.”

She wrinkles her nose in disgust, making Shane laugh again. She laughs too and adds, “I’m not into long paragraphs about rats and puss.”

“Suit yourself, but you’re missing out.”

She leans against the counter, smiling at him almost dreamily. “I sure am,” she says in her usual flirtatious tone.

Marlene has been flirting with him since the first day she walked in and saw him. He can’t help but feel flattered. Their banter has become routine by now. He holds up his left hand, his ring in plain sight, and says, “Afraid we met too late.”

She sighs dramatically. “Run away with me. Come on, no one will know.”

Shane chuckles at the usual line. “You know I would, but unfortunately I love him.”

She pouts. “More than me?”

Shane pretends to think about it, making weighing motions with his hands. “He did yell at me yesterday for tracking mud into the house.”

“I would never yell at you.”

“Hmmm.” Shane gives up the bit and grins at her. “So what did you think of Marie Antoinette? I thought you’d find her pretty interesting.”

“I loved it. I couldn’t put it down.”

They chat about the book for a while, and Shane recommends a couple of other titles she might like. She leaves with a wave and blows a kiss at him. He pretends to catch it and places it to his heart, which makes her grin.

He really enjoys their conversations. She’s incredibly smart and funny. Jim had told him with a sad sigh that Marlene has had a very rough life. She’d grown up in Anatole, and when her mother died when she was ten, she’d been raised by her grandmother. She had moved away a few years ago due to what Jim said was “an unfortunate incident” involving Marlene and the Pastor’s wife. Shane hadn’t asked for details. She moved back only some months ago, and ever since then she comes in at least once a week to grab some books and flirt with Shane.

He finds the flirting amusing and definitely flattering, though he’s sometimes not sure how serious she is with her crush on him. Sometimes it seems like she’s just joking, well aware that he’s off limits, but other times there’s a look in her eye that says she’d be open to something happening between them.

Maybe a year ago, at the beginning of all of this, he would’ve considered it. Maybe he could’ve found her cavalier attitude charming, and maybe he could’ve told Ryan that he’d found someone to spend some evenings with. But now… He doesn’t want anyone else. Just the thought of messing up what he and Ryan have makes his stomach twist uncomfortably.

If Ryan finds someone else, if they eventually part ways, Shane will deal with that then. But for now, he’s happy just enjoying the warm smile Ryan always gives him when he walks into Rose’s to pick him up.


	7. Chapter 7

SUMMER

With the longer, warmer days, Ryan and Shane find themselves spending a lot of time outside. Sometimes they go for drives, the windows rolled down. Sometimes they take Howie and Griffin to see the baby goats at a nearby farm. Ryan’s favorite days, though, are the ones they spend in their backyard.

They’ll sit on their porch while Ryan plays guitar. To his own amazement, he’s able to decently play several songs. It’s fun having Shane next to him, most of the time singing off-key to make Ryan laugh or making up a ridiculous song to go along with Ryan’s chord practice. Sometimes, though, the two of them will sing a real song, no jokes involved. It’s not exactly _great_ singing by any means, but it’s nice to sing “Chasing Cars” to each other as the sun slowly makes its way out.

Shane’s hair is getting long again. He’s back to pushing it out of his face with a bandanna, and sometimes, in the golden light, he looks so stupidly attractive that Ryan’s heart feels overwhelmed with it. That’s been a strange adjustment, one that he still hasn’t quite wrapped his head around. He never thought he would be attracted to Shane. It’s _Shane_. And there are still times when he forgets about this whole “with benefits” thing and is able to see _just_ his friend — the same Shane that went with him to all of the filthy, dilapidated buildings looking for ghosts he didn’t believe in. But more and more, his feelings for Shane have become...complicated.

When Shane proposed this arrangement, Ryan kept expecting himself to feel at least a little uncomfortable with the idea. It _should’ve_ been weird. It should’ve at least taken Ryan longer to figure out whether he wanted to try. But instead, he realized that same night that he really, _really_ wanted to get his hands all over Shane. That he has wanted that closeness for longer than he cares to admit, even. And he spent days agonizing over what that meant, what it would do to them, what it would do to _him_. He’s not entirely sure how he found the courage to actually take Shane up on the offer.

Ryan had been so touch starved that for the first couple of weeks or so, it was as if he could never get enough of Shane. Every time Shane wrapped his arms around him, it took everything in Ryan not to just _melt_ into it. The sex is good — hell, with all of the practice they’ve been getting, it’s actually getting to be some of the best Ryan has had his entire life — but sometimes he still feels confused about what’s going on between them. He doesn’t know what feelings are normal. There’s no clear line, not when they pretend to be in love in front of other people. The hand holding and the playing house and the way Shane likes to jokingly call him baby — what does that all mean?

Ryan has never had feelings for a guy before. Well, except… Mikey had never wanted to talk about what happened that weekend. And Ryan remembers telling himself to not be disappointed. He remembers wondering what it would have been like if they’d kissed. And all those times that a guy caught his eye and he wrote it off as just appreciating a good workout routine, and all the times he had complimented a handsome guy and patted himself on the back for being open minded… How had he never realized this about himself before?

He twists it over and over in his head until he feels like he doesn’t know himself at all.

It bothers him. Quietly, but apparently not subtly because as they’re sitting on the couch one night, Ryan with a book in his hand and Shane playing video games, Shane suddenly asks, “Are you ok?”

“What?” Ryan says, realizing that he had been staring off at the wall instead of even looking at the words in front of him.

“I said, are you okay? You've been pretty quiet lately.”

“Yeah, I’m fine” he says instinctively, ready to dismiss it and bury it down deep. But the concerned look on Shane’s face makes him reconsider, makes him brave enough to say, “Well, actually, I’ve been thinking.”

Shane puts down the controller on the coffee table, fully turning so that he’s facing Ryan.

“It’s just,” Ryan says, “I’m starting to think that I… I mean…I think...” The words won't come out, and he's not entirely sure why it's so scary to say it out loud. Shane is staring at him, patient, and so Ryan decides to go another route. He asks, “How do you label yourself? Sexually, I mean.”

Shane blinks like he hadn’t been expecting that question. Ryan feels like he’s about to start sweating as Shane processes the answer and they sit in silence. “I don’t know,” Shane finally says. “I guess I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“What? Seriously?”

Shane shrugs. “Yeah. I mean, I didn’t give it much thought before. I dated women so I thought I was straight. Now I know I’m not.”

“So then what are you?”

Shane gives another infuriating shrug. “I guess bisexual? That sounds right.”

Ryan’s brain feels like it’s short circuiting. “You _guess_? Just like that? I mean, you’ve only been with _me_. How do you know you would like other guys? What if you’re actually gay and you just thought you liked women? Or what if you actually don’t even like being with guys _or_ with me, and this is some sort of weird delusion we’re sharing cause we can’t fuck anyone else?”

Shane suddenly smiles and huffs out a laugh, and an indignant spark of annoyance flares through Ryan. Shane asks, with levity in his voice, “Is this what you’ve been thinking about?”

“ _Yeah_.”

“Look, don’t worry about it. Why do we have to label it? So we’re not as straight as we thought — so what?”

“I — you — what do you mean, _so what_?" Ryan sputters, trying and failing to explain the jumble in his brain. So what? So what! "You label it so that you have some ground to stand on. You label it so that you know who you are. Sometimes I feel like I have no clue who I am anymore. A label would help.”

Ryan can feel how tense he’s getting, feels like his heart is racing uncomfortably. He hadn’t exactly meant to say any of this, hadn’t even realized how much he felt this way until he said it. He expects Shane to be dismissive, to not say anything, or even to tell him to get over it.

Instead, Shane puts his hand over Ryan’s and then forces their fingers to lace together when Ryan initially resists. He says, in a voice that’s both gentle yet firm, “You’re still you.”

Ryan huffs out a laugh to keep from doing something stupid like crying. Shane squeezes his hand.

“You are,” Shane says. “You’re still Ryan Bergara, and I’m still Shane Madej. Discovering new things doesn’t change that. We like making out with each other — _and that’s fine._ We’re making it work in a weird situation. We’re still us.”

Ryan lets the words sink in, emotions too big to contain bursting his heart open. All of the fear that he’d been carrying inside seems to melt into something more manageable, something he can carry. When Shane puts it like that, it almost seems simple.

He squeezes Shane’s hand and manages a small smile. “You’re right. It’s just that sometimes I miss… I miss when things seemed simple. Less scary.” He doesn’t look at Shane as he admits, “I guess I’ve sort of been freaking out about the fact that… that I’m not straight like I thought. Independently of...this, of us, I realized that I’ve liked guys too.”

“Good,” is all Shane says with no hesitation, smiling at Ryan.

“Good,” Ryan echoes, pulling back his hand and propping his book back up. He can feel Shane’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t look up. He pretends to read until Shane unpauses his game.

He mostly feels relieved by the conversation, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, but he’s also slightly disappointed in himself. Because what he couldn’t bring himself to point out is that liking men for him isn’t just physical. He knows now that he is perfectly capable of falling in love with a man. If he’s not careful, he could fall in love with Shane.

But saying that out loud is too scary. The last thing he wants to do is have Shane put a firm stop to all of this by making him worry that Ryan will let this get too far. So he tucks it away quietly, praying it won’t become a problem.

***

They never sat down and discussed any type of rules about their arrangement, so Ryan has taken it upon himself to draw some up for himself. Boundaries are healthy, right? So he does his best to only engage in couple-like behavior when they’re out in public and it serves a purpose. He makes sure to end up in his own room at the end of the night. He very firmly reminds himself that they’re friends _and only friends_ every time he gets a surge of extra gooey feelings for Shane.

But that’s the thing, he can’t really have sex without _some_ feelings. Maybe there's people out there that can have a purely platonic sexual partnership, but Ryan isn’t one of them. Each time they have sex, Ryan can feel the way his heart makes more and more room for Shane. He can feel it in the afterglow, when Shane kisses him softly, and for a minute Ryan feels as if Shane is his to keep. It’s incredibly deceptive and dangerous.

Shane isn’t his. He has to remember that.

It’s hard sometimes, though. His body doesn’t always understand where the line is. Sometimes it gets confused and wants to kiss Shane good morning or goodnight or kiss him for no reason at all. Sometimes he wants to tell Shane he looks handsome. Sometimes he wants to touch him, just to feel him close. Ryan’s working on it.

That’s why sometimes it’s easier when they’re out in public, playing the perfect couple. He can thoughtlessly grab Shane’s hand, he can kiss him, he can indulge his instincts. There’s no weird calculation he has to do like when it’s the two of them. So when the Divorcee Club invites them out to the newly created karaoke night at Straight Shooters, Ryan doesn’t even hesitate before accepting the invite.

They cram into a booth and cheer for Jennifer as she sings her heart out to Britney Spears’s “You Drive Me Crazy.”

Shane calls him baby all night, and it doesn’t matter. Emily sings “Dancing Queen” as Ryan drapes himself all over Shane, Shane’s arm an anchor around his waist.

When Karen sings “Like a Prayer,” complete with an over dramatic Madonna impression and choreography, Shane and Ryan practically clutch at each other as they laugh.

They’re probably a little too drunk by the time it’s Shane’s turn, and he grabs Ryan and kisses him before heading to the stage to sing The Spice Girls’ “Wannabe.”

They are _definitely_ too drunk when they get on stage together, the girls loudly cheering them on, and sing ABBA's “Lay All Your Love On Me,” and it’s just pure luck that most people by now have left the bar.

They get home that night, still drunk, still singing horribly off-key as they stumble through the door. And when Shane grabs him and pulls him in for a wanton kiss, arms wrapped tight around him, Ryan isn’t thinking at all.

***

“He’s so good with them,” Jennifer says as she and Ryan sit on a blanket watching Shane gently kick a soccer ball around with Howie and Griffin. Griffin is two years old and doing his best to keep up on unsteady, toddler legs.

“He’s got his secret softie side,” Ryan says. He can feel himself grin as Shane jumps up and down in over-excited cheering at Griffin’s attempt to kick the ball.

It’s a bright, beautiful Saturday morning, and Ryan is happy they get to spend the weekend here. He can’t remember the last time he went camping. He and Shane had to go out and buy a tent, along with some other equipment, after Jennifer and Emily invited them on the trip. They arrived at the campsite this morning, and it’s just as beautiful as Jennifer promised, green and gorgeous with perfect views of the mountains.

“You guys ever think about having kids?” She playfully elbows him. “A couple of goblins to play with mine?”

Ryan chuckles to cover the nerves he always feels whenever anyone gets too close to asking questions that could blow their cover. “No, that hasn’t really come up. I, uh, I don’t think we’re ready.”

“Well you can always babysit mine for practice,” she jokes.

“What are you guys talking about?” Emily asks as she wanders over towards them and sits next to Jennifer.

“I’m trying to convince Ryan to join the parenting cult.”

Emily huffs out a laugh. “Don’t do it. My kid is in college now and won’t talk to me except to ask for money. And I give it to her! Unconditional love is a hell of a drug.”

“We really haven’t talked about it,” Ryan says quickly, glancing over at Shane to make sure he’s out of hearing distance. “We can’t have one by accident so it’s never really come up.”

“But do you want kids?” Jennifer asks, curiosity genuine. “Does Shane?”

“I did,” Ryan says before catching himself and stuttering, “I mean, I _do_ , but — y’know, it’s always been sort of abstract. Shane wanted kids, but that was before we got together, so I don’t know.” He can’t stop the way his stomach drops as he says it out loud. He remembers that clearly from their life before, how Shane would casually mention traditions and things he would want to pass off to his kids.

Emily says encouragingly, “There’s no rush. It’ll happen when it needs to.”

“Right,” Ryan says before quickly changing the subject. But some anxiety about the inevitable separation settles around his lungs. Maybe having kids is still something Shane really wants. Maybe he’ll leave Ryan when the need to start a family becomes stronger. The worry lingers as the day goes on, even as he tries to ignore it and act normal. It’s there as they build a campfire when the sun starts to go down. It’s there as they cook hotdogs for dinner. It’s still there after Howie and Griffin get tucked into their sleeping bags, leaving the four adults to joke around under the bright stars.

When he and Shane call it a night and crawl into their own tent, Ryan feels tired. He closes his eyes as soon as he’s in his sleeping bag, praying that sleep will come quickly so he can stop overthinking everything. But then he feels Shane shift, feels Shane’s sleeping bag press against his. And then Shane whispers, “Hey.”

Ryan opens his eyes and sees Shane staring at him with a soft smile on his face. “What?”

“This is fun. We should do this more often.”

“Well we do have this tent now. We shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

Shane looks excited at the prospect. “Cool,” he says before giving Ryan a quick kiss on the lips. He settles into his sleeping bag and closes his eyes, and Ryan wonders what it must be like for Shane. There’s plenty of space in the tent; he didn’t need to get this close. There was no one here to watch them kiss goodnight. Why isn’t Shane plagued by thoughts of what is appropriate for them and what isn’t? He’s clearly not concerned or double guessing everything.

Ryan closes his eyes and listens to Shane’s steady breathing. He wishes he could be as unconcerned by it, but too much feels at risk. It’s like he’s balancing on a tightrope, afraid to misstep. What is he going to do when Shane pulls away? What will he do without Shane in his life? Fear grips his heart and squeezes painfully just from the thought.

_Just stop worrying about it_ , he tells himself. _Just enjoy it while you have it. Stop being so scared._

He’s not sure how long it takes him to fall asleep that night, but he feels groggy the next morning, so probably a while. But with a new morning comes a new certainty that he hasn’t felt before. As Shane stretches and yawns, as he turns to Ryan and gives him a happy smile, Ryan knows that he wants anything and everything that Shane is willing to give — even knowing it will be gone later. He wants the goodnight kisses and the soft smiles. He wants to experience this thing that they have right now. It will hurt when it ends and it will be hard to stop his feelings in check, but he still wants to try.

After breakfast, Shane says, “Want to go for a walk?” and Ryan nods instantly. Their hands find each other automatically as they set off on one of the many trails. They don’t have to hold hands as they get deeper and deeper into nature, the trees covering them. But they do, and Ryan tries not to question it. He holds on.

They stop by a little stream, sitting down on a nice, big rock. Shane sits close. He doesn’t let go of Ryan’s hand.

“Do you ever think,” Shane says slowly, like he’s trying to piece it together himself, “about how everything is connected? The ecosystems and the rivers and all of that? How things are created to fit together?”

“Not really,” Ryan admits, chuckling. “Is that a common thought for you?”

“Sometimes. Being here, looking at all this, I just remember how much I love nature. I mean, just think about all the things that have to work together to create all of this. From the bugs to the rain to the trees. It’s a nice thought, isn’t it? Evolution has made it so that things come together.” He smiles at Ryan and bumps his shoulder. “Like us. We came together.”

The words make Ryan smile, a big, warm, stupid feeling filling his heart. So to downplay it, he jokes, “Is this like a science boner thing you’re having? Because I am not jerking you off in the woods, dude.”

Shane laughs, and Ryan thinks, _Just enjoy it._


	8. Chapter 8

FALL

The sound of his bedroom door opening and closing wakes Shane up. “Ryan?” he asks groggily. The room is pitch-black, and he hears more than sees Ryan quickly walking towards him.

The bed dips as Ryan says in a frantic whisper, “I heard a noise. It sounded like someone’s on the roof.”

“What kind of noise?” Shane asks, sitting up.

“ _I don’t know._ Like a bump? Like — like something heavy falling.”

“Okay,” Shane says in what he hopes is a soothing voice. He holds still, listening carefully, but the house seems completely silent. Ryan’s prone to nightmares, and if all those seasons of Unsolved taught Shane anything, it’s that Ryan has a tendency to let little sounds get to him. “Are you sure you heard something?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Ryan replies indignantly.

“Okay then.” Shane gets up from the bed. “Let’s go check it out.”

“What? _No_. We should — we should call Allen. Or the cops. What if they’ve found us?”

_Oh._ Shane turns from where he’d been grabbing his shoes and just barely makes out Ryan’s form still sitting on his bed. Shane’s heart melts for Ryan, for the real fear he must be feeling if this is where his brain has gone. He says gently, “If that’s the case, I think putting our shoes on and getting out of here is still a good idea. More than likely though, I think we probably won’t find anything out there.”

Ryan makes a disgruntled, distrustful noise but gets up anyway.

It’s starting to get rather chilly outside now that fall has arrived, so Shane makes sure to zip up his jacket as they head out the door.

Ryan is walking so close behind him that Shane fears they’ll trip over each other. The heavy-duty flashlight Shane has in his hand does a good job at illuminating the empty street around them as they walk down their driveway.

“It’s looking good,” Shane says in what he hopes is an encouraging voice, but Ryan just scoffs.

“I know you think I’m crazy, but I know I heard it. I wasn’t sleeping. It couldn’t have been a dream.”

“Why were you awake?” Shane asks, but Ryan doesn’t answer it.

Instead he asks in a frantic voice, “I know it’s probably not a ghost, but —”

“Of course it’s not a ghost.”

“Okay, well you don’t have to say it like that. It could be anything for all we know. It’s just really freaky because it happened at exactly three o’clock, which you might remember is the fucking witching hour.”

Shane stops walking and turns around so that he can see Ryan’s face. It’s that same face from all those investigations. That same look in his eyes that says Ryan’s brain is heading straight to crazy town. The rush of fondness he feels makes him laugh, even as he tries to stop it. This is serious. Ryan is _scared_ , but god, he hasn’t seen that look in such a long time.

Ryan hisses, “I can’t believe you right now.”

“Sorry, sorry, I just missed seeing you make that face.” Shane shrugs. “I always liked that face.” He takes one last look before pointing the flashlight back towards their house. Nothing’s there. Everything looks normal.

Still, to indulge Ryan, he keeps walking towards the side of the house, keeping the flashlight steady. Ryan stays close behind, even as he grumbles, “Yeah, laugh it up. Ha ha, just Ryan being terrified. Hilarious.”

Shane opens his mouth to reply, but suddenly his eyes grow wide as the rest of his body freezes.

There are two small, glowing eyes visible just above the gutter. The flashlight falls out of his hand at the same time that Ryan all but yells, “ _What the fuck is that?_ ”

Shane quickly picks the flashlight back up, heart racing as he aims it towards the same spot. A little raccoon face comes into view for a second before quickly scurrying away, leaving behind the small hole it had created to come in and out of the attic.

Ryan exhales and says, “Oh Jesus, thank God,” resting his hands on his knees.

Shane laughs, clutching his stomach. Ryan’s face! It was too perfect! Ryan takes another deep breath before letting himself chuckle too.

“That was great,” Shane says, wiping at one eye. “Much better than ghosts.”

“And a much higher chance of rabies.”

“A lot cuter, though.” Shane starts walking back to the house. Ryan follows close behind. “We can make some calls tomorrow and get him out of there. I don’t want him freaking you out every night.”

“But see, I was right. I _did_ hear something. It _could_ have been a murderer, and we could be dead right now.”

“But we aren’t,” Shane says, taking off his jacket as they step back into the house. He heads to his room.

“But we could be,” Ryan says stubbornly, stopping at Shane’s doorway. “And I did hear something.”

Shane kicks off his shoes and starts taking off his pants. He’s very aware of Ryan’s eyes on him. “You’re right,” he says, getting an idea. “Come here. I’ll make it up to you.”

“This feels like a trick,” Ryan says suspiciously, but he walks towards him anyway.

Shane smiles, reaching out to him. He pulls him close, a little rougher than necessary because he’s found that Ryan likes that. He kisses Ryan, deep and slow, heart thrilling at the feeling of Ryan so pliant in his arms. They have work in the morning, and if Ryan was having trouble sleeping, it’s Shane’s responsibility to help, isn’t it?

He leads Ryan to the bed where Shane can climb on top of him, holding Ryan’s hands above his head. And Ryan lets him, Ryan goes along, Ryan moans as Shane kisses his neck, and the primal want Shane feels for him is overwhelming. He gets to push Ryan’s shirt up to kiss his stomach, gets to kiss further down. He makes Ryan’s breath hitch as he opens his mouth and envelops him.

It’s a quarter to 4 in the morning by the time they lay side by side, sated and trying to get their breathing back to normal. Ryan sits up, which makes Shane frown. Ryan always goes back to his room. Shane doesn’t really like that. It makes what they’ve shared seem almost impersonal, which he supposes is part of most friends with benefits situations. But they’re different. They’re the opposite of impersonal.

So Shane says, “You can stay here, y’know.”

Ryan seems to hesitate, frozen for a second before laying back down. Shane turns and wraps an arm around Ryan’s waist, pressing a kiss to his jaw. This is better. This is them.

“Think you’ll be able to sleep now?” Shane asks, eyes already feeling heavy.

Ryan chuckles. “Yeah, I think I’ll manage it now. Just needed to stop thinking so much.”

“Whatcha thinking about?”

“Stupid stuff.”

“Hmm. No more thinking then. Just sleep.”

“Just sleep,” Ryan agrees, voice drowsy.

***

They throw themselves fully into the Halloween festivities this year. It’s a slippery slope. They’ll be at the store buying regular stuff for the house when they’ll spot a black cat silhouette for the window or a ghost that they can hang outside. Soon enough their house has at least one spooktacular object in every room.

Shane hadn’t really noticed before, but their house definitely looks more lived in. Halloween decorations aside, they have framed pictures of Obi all around the house and a bookshelf full of books and knick-knacks they’ve picked up here and there. They have a junk drawer full of god knows what and a very cozy rug in the living room. Right now there’s a picture of Howie up on the fridge, a big smile on his face on his first day of kindergarten, and as Shane looks around, he thinks, _Allen would be proud._

Shane wins the coin flip, so he gets to dress up as Batman while Ryan dresses up as Robin. Shane had insisted their costumes look as much as the 1960's TV show as possible, and they actually manage to do a pretty good job. The tights aren’t the most warm or comfortable thing in the world, but they look pretty great.

They trick-or-treat with Jennifer and the boys in the early afternoon before heading to the big party in town with Karen. It’s a great night, full of laughter and bad dancing, and when they come home, Shane smiles as he realizes that Ryan automatically heads towards Shane’s room.

Most of Ryan’s clothes are still in his own room, but he sleeps in Shane’s most of the time now. It’s been nice getting to kiss him goodnight and sleep with his arm around him. To wake up next to him. Ryan still gets mad if he catches Shane putting his shoes up on the furniture and sometimes they’ll have dumb, useless arguments, but overall this partnership has worked out much better than Shane could’ve ever expected. The sexual activities are great, definitely, but Shane loves the rest of it all too. He likes leaning against Ryan as they watch TV. He likes when they spend mornings in bed, Obi nestled between them. He likes all of their routines and inside jokes and — more than anything — the fact that they have each other. They’ve managed to create a home out of an impossible situation.

Their calls with Allen are now only monthly, and when he calls in November and asks how they’re doing, Shane says honestly, “We’re pretty good.”

They’re sprawled out on the couch under a blanket, Ryan’s legs draped over Shane’s lap. Obi is nestled between the couch and Ryan, sleeping happily.

“Glad to hear that,” Allen says from the speakerphone. “Things are pretty busy on my end, so I might not be able to visit this year.”

“Anything cool happening?” Ryan asks.

Allen chuckles. “Nothing I can tell you lovebirds about, unfortunately, but let’s just say I’ve got quite a few interesting people to hide. You guys are still my favorite, though.”

They reply in unison, “Thanks, Allen,” smiling at each other as they realize what they did.

“Stay safe,” Allen says with another laugh and hangs up.

“The calls are getting pretty short, huh,” Shane says, opening the camera app on his phone.

“Yeah, we’re old news, apparently. What are you doing?”

“Taking a picture. Hold still.”

Ryan smiles for the picture, and Shane manages to capture both him and Obi in the frame. The two of them look so fucking cute that it melts Shane’s heart, and he grins as he looks at it. He loves it.

“Let me see,” Ryan demands, and as soon as Shane turns the phone to him, he complains, “My hair looks insane. Delete it.”

“No,” Shane says, quickly putting his phone behind his back just in case Ryan tries to grab for it. “I’m going to treasure it forever. It’s a real shame I can’t post it on twitter. All those fans of yours would’ve killed to see it.”

Ryan snorts incredulously, but Shane knows he’s right. He makes it his lockscreen later that afternoon.

That’s what he’s staring at a few days later as he sits on one of the comfy chairs in the library. His shift technically ended twenty minutes ago, but Rose has a lot of orders to fill now that Thanksgiving is on the horizon. Shane won’t be picking Ryan up until the late evening.

"Still here?" Jim asks as he spots him.

"Yeah, Ryan's working late, so." Shane shrugs.

Jim chuckles and takes a seat opposite Shane. “And you’re not excited to have the house to yourself?”

“No,” Shane says honestly, and he looks back down at his phone, at that picture. He smiles before looking back up at Jim. "I don't know why we don't get sick of each other."

"A sign of a good match. I get it. When Simon goes to conferences, I always mope around and call him every night.”

“How long have you guys been together?”

“This year we will celebrate our fortieth anniversary together,” he says proudly, his smile fond. “We formally got married in 2009 as soon as it became legal, but we usually celebrate the anniversary of when we first got together.”

“Wow. When you guys met, did you think you’d be together this long?”

“Oh no. Not at all. He was actually engaged when we met." He nods at Shane's surprised face and says, "To a woman named Harriet Collins. How I hated her! Hated her even more because she was actually a very nice girl. Simon and I became unlikely friends while volunteering at a homeless shelter, and all I knew was that I wanted him in my life in any shape or way I could have him. Things were much harder back then, of course. I could tell that he felt something for me too, but he was always very respectful of Harriet and nothing happened between us at that time.” Jim smiles though it looks sad as he remembers, “One day he came by my apartment and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. That it was too difficult because he was in love with me. I told him I was in love with him too, but that just made him even more upset. I didn’t see him after that for about half a year. It was the most miserable time of my life. I kept picturing him getting married, and I was sure my heart would never heal. Then I come home one day and find him standing in front of my door.” Jim grins, wide and full of joy. “He had called off his engagement. And we’ve been together ever since.”

Shane smiles, picturing how happy Jim must’ve felt that day. He’s seen the two of them together. It must’ve been awful to be apart. “Wow,” Shane says. “A fairy-tale ending.”

Jim laughs. ‘For the most part, yes. My parents stopped talking to me after they found out for about a decade, and Simon’s entire family completely cut him off. It was very hard. There were even times when I wondered if it would’ve been better for him to have married Harriet Collins. Life isn’t always sunshine, but I love the life we’ve built together. I’m glad I have him through the bad times and the good times. You must feel similarly about Ryan.”

“I do,” Shane says. “I never thought that we would end up together, but now that we have, it’s hard to imagine being married to someone else.”

“Well, keep up your end of the bargain, and with luck you’ll never be married to anyone else.”

***

_You’ll never be married to anyone else._

It’s not necessarily true for them; Shane knows that. If life has harshly taught him anything, it’s that the future is weird, uncertain, and completely unpredictable. Ryan might want something different at some point. But if they _do_ stay married, Shane thinks they could make a really nice life together.

Sometimes, a little guiltily, he wonders if they can just continue on this path indefinitely, if maybe they can keep intertwining their lives more and more until, perhaps, they’ll just decide they’re better off together. It might be a selfish thought, but why rip apart a good thing?

Shane has always been a practical person. If he’s happy with their life, if he’s trying his best to make Ryan happy, then it doesn’t make any sense to dissolve what they have in search of something else. What they have is enough for Shane, and he just hopes it will be enough for Ryan too.

So Shane tries hard to be a good husband, to make sure that Ryan knows how much he appreciates him. Which is why, when Ryan’s real birthday lands on Thanksgiving, he has a little plan up his sleeve. They head to Jennifer’s house around one and help get everything ready. He chops veggies and stirs stuff together and makes sure that Ryan doesn’t look inside the fridge.

Ryan does his best to entertain Howie and Griffin. He sits with them on the kitchen table and helps them make a turkey drawing. It warms Shane’s heart to see Ryan laughing, Griffin in his arms. It feels comfortingly familiar and familial.

Emily and Karen arrive around four in the afternoon, both bemoaning the fact that their kids are now adults and spending the holiday elsewhere.

“Not that we’re unhappy being here with you guys,” Emily jokes as they sit in the dining room.

“Oh yeah, no no,” Karen says. “If I could cancel on my kids to be here, I would. See how they like it.”

The girls provide the perfect distraction, and when Shane quietly and discreetly signals to Jennifer, she’s able to ensure that Shane gets to slip into the kitchen discreetly. Sneaking back to the dining room is a little bit harder, but he manages. When Ryan asks accusingly, “Where have you been?” Shane says innocently, “The bathroom.”

The evening goes great, everyone getting progressively tipsier. Well, everyone except Jennifer, who wistfully sighs and says there needs to be one responsible adult at the table. They go around and each say what they’re grateful for. Emily stands and says she’s grateful that her art supply store, Impressions, has survived another year. Karen stands up and jokes that she’s grateful for trashy TV dramas and Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Jennifer says she’s thankful for the health of her two boys and being surrounded by good friends.

“Oh, it’s my turn?” Ryan asks as Jennifer gestures for him to stand up. He does, wineglass still in hand. He smiles shyly as he says, “Um, I guess this year I’m also thankful for you guys and all of the great times we’ve had together. And also for the big guy over here.” He raises his wine glass in Shane’s direction and says fondly, “Thanks to him, I feel really fucking short all the time, and it keeps me humble. Cheers.”

Everyone laughs as Shane dramatically raises his own glass back and does a little bow. “Actually,” Shane says, pushing his chair back and taking a step away from the table, “what a coincidence. This year I, too, am thankful for my wonderful husband Ryan.”

“Booo!” Karen says, making the table laugh again. “Quit being so cute! It’s gross and offensive to some of us.”

“Yeah!” Emily says. “All of my ex-husband’s toasts were about football. I never got one.”

Ryan brags, “Shane doesn’t even understand sports.”

Karen fake gasps. “The perfect man!”

Emily jokes, “Wanna marry me instead?”

Shane pretends to consider it, says, “That’s quite a tempting offer,” — ignoring Ryan’s indignant “Hey!” — “but I’m afraid I love my tiny man too much.”

This prompts a short lived round of _awww_ ’s, followed by a much louder chant of _boo_ ’s led by Karen. Shane is still laughing as he signals to Jennifer and makes a quick exit to the kitchen that leaves Ryan asking, “Where are you going?”

Jennifer hits the lights as Shane walks back in holding a cake, the candles illuminating the room. He places it in front of Ryan and says, “Ryan’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago, but what better way to surprise him than by celebrating it weeks later among friends? Also, a chance to have more cake.”

Ryan’s grin is wide, illuminated beautifully by the irresponsible amount of candles that Shane placed on the cake. His eyes are on Shane as he laughs, incredulous. “Thank you,” he says, and through eye contact Shane feels like he understands everything that Ryan is trying to convey. _Thank you, this is crazy, you’re crazy, but I love it, thank you._

They sing and then clap as Ryan blows out the candles. Shane leans over to kiss Ryan because it feels right and says, "Happy birthday, baby."

_This is what marriage is_ , Shane thinks, watching as Ryan starts cutting up the cake, cheeks still tinged a bit red, grin still bright. It’s wanting to make someone happy. _And if I’m lucky, I’ll never be married to anyone else._


	9. Chapter 9

WINTER

The Christmas tree went up the day after Thanksgiving, now adorned with several more ornaments that they’ve picked up. Ryan smiles every time it catches his eye. Obi is back to dozing underneath it, and it helps at keeping the gloomy feelings at manageable levels.

Two years. Two whole years of this new life together. He still misses his old life tremendously, still has days where the loss makes him ache. He still feels guilty that it was his fault they were targeted. But the roughest edges have been smoothed over by time. His old life feels distant. Hell, even the beginning of this year feels like a different decade.

Ryan isn’t sure when he and Shane stopped pretending to be a couple and when they just _became_ one. They sleep together. They kiss good morning and good night. They hold hands just because. And Ryan can’t pretend anymore that what he feels is anything close to platonic. It’s way past a crush. He’s in love with Shane. He knows it from the way he instantly melts at Shane’s touch. He knows it from the way his heart glows every time their eyes meet. He’s pretty sure Shane feels something similar.

But they don’t say it. It’s been at the tip of Ryan’s tongue a couple of times: _What’s going on between us?_ But each time the words get stuck in his throat, too terrified of having misread things, of things changing, of things falling apart. And there’s this insidious voice in the back of his brain that insists that all of these feelings are just a flimsy byproduct of being stuck together.

It feels like there’s little to gain and everything to lose. It doesn’t really matter what promises they make right now in the middle of this strange honeymoon period, anyway. Sure, things are great now, but who knows in a few years how things could change. The more Ryan thinks about it, the more he convinces himself that this cocoon they’ve wrapped around themselves is just temporary. They would’ve never gotten together if they had stayed in L.A. They would’ve continued being good friends and nothing else.

Maybe in that abandoned timeline Ryan would’ve met a guy that made him realize that he’s not really straight. And _that_ relationship, he thinks, would’ve been much more solid, much more real than anything he can ever have now with Shane. How do you trust a feeling that was forged from trauma? If he was given the choice between staying in love with Shane or getting their old lives back, which would he choose? He doesn’t know, so he does his best not to think about it.

He has Shane for now. He can pretend like that’s enough.

***

They don’t go out for New Years. It’s snowing outside, and just the thought of trudging out there makes Ryan shiver. Instead they heat up the pie that Rose gave them and make hot chocolate. They push the couch out of the way and build a nest on the floor out of pillows and blankets. The Christmas tree they still haven’t taken down illuminates the room as they watch comedy specials on the laptop.

Well, ‘watch’ is perhaps too generous a word since half the time they talk over it. But it’s nice to roll around, laughing, legs tangled up together. At one point, Ryan ends up on his back, Shane mostly on top of him. _New In Town_ keeps playing as they just stare at each other. Shane looks so fond as he stares down at Ryan, one hand cupping Ryan’s jaw, his thumb gently stroking Ryan’s cheek.

_Are we in love?_ Ryan wonders. He feels it in his chest, such an overwhelming glow of feelings that he’s left speechless. When Shane leans down to kiss him, closing his eyes and giving Shane everything is the easiest thing in the world.

It’s easy to stumble to their bedroom after their midnight kiss deepens and turns passionate. It’s easy to get lost in the way Shane trails kisses down his neck. Ryan’s never had this level of intimacy with anyone before. He’s had sex, he’s made love with other people, but with Shane it’s different. Because when Shane works him open, it feels like he’s pulling apart every stitch that usually keeps Ryan together. When Shane fucks him, it’s like they’re melding into one, creating a whole new being.

It’s never felt like this before. It’s not just the pleasure that comes from the act but the realization that Shane is absolutely everything. Shane is his family, his home, and his life. Every kiss exchanged adds fire to the pleasure they’re sharing, both of them consumed and purified by it.

They don’t have to say it. Ryan can feel it. And here, with Shane’s head resting on Ryan’s chest as Ryan strokes his hair, it’s more than enough for now.

***

“How was your Valentine’s Day?” Rose asks as she preps ingredients for tomorrow.

Ryan smiles from where he’s loading up the dishwasher. He’s gained a couple of pounds thanks to working here, despite sticking to a workout routine, but he can’t find it in himself to be upset about it. Her treats are worth the loss of ab definition. Shane doesn’t seem to mind either, considering how often his hand rests on Ryan’s stomach as they sleep or cuddle on the couch.

“It was very nice,” he says, and he can hear the fondness in his voice. “We went out to dinner and then met up with some friends for drinks.” His smile widens at the memory of Emily and Karen singing 80’s power ballads all night, both putting on an exaggeratedly drunken slur to it. “It was really fun.”

Rose turns to him and smiles. “That’s so lovely,” she says, voice a bit dreamy as if her mind has drifted to her own memories. “You know, you two often remind me of me and my second husband. Things weren’t always great with my first one, and after he passed away, I didn’t really have a good outlook on love. But then Benjamin came along, and it was like the whole world suddenly became more alive. I see that with you and Shane.”

Ryan feels his face grow warm, pleased at the words. “He changed my life,” he admits and then chuckles at how insufficient the words seem. “Even when we were just friends, he always had this special thing about him that always drew me in. And now that we’re married, it’s like…”

“It feels impossible that he wasn’t always there?” Rose guesses, though from her smile it seems like she knows she’s right.

“Exactly.”

“I met Benjamin when I was in my forties, and I remember wondering how it was possible that we went so long apart. Even now that he’s passed away, I carry him in my heart and feel better than I did before knowing him. Do you believe in soulmates?”

“I like the idea of them. I don’t really have a strong opinion either way, though.”

“I never did until I met him. But the way it felt as if I had been designed to love him convinced me of it.”

“That’s beautiful. I mean, I hope that’s what Shane and I have.”

“Don’t you feel it?”

Ryan laughs and feels a bit self-conscious. He wishes he could understand what he’s feeling most of the time. It all gets jumbled up, torn between his heart and his head. Things are so complicated that he never feels like he can untangle any of it. “I guess it is easier with Shane than it’s ever been with anyone else. It’s been really nice to share so much with someone.”

“It’s a blessing to find your other half and take on life hand in hand. I’ll bet —”

“Rose?” a voice calls from the front, which Ryan recognizes instantly as Sandy. She always pops in once a week for a pie and always stays for a chat.

Whatever Rose was going to say gets forgotten as she and Sandy spend some time catching up. But the conversation lingers with Ryan for the rest of the day and then for the rest of the week. He can’t stop thinking of all the ways he and Shane don’t fit. The skeptic and the believer. Shane’s seemingly complete control over his emotions versus the way Ryan sometimes feels like he runs on little more than feelings and caffeine.

Do soulmates have stupid little fights about shoes on furniture and Star Wars film rankings? Can two soulmates not even know they’re soulmates until they’re yanked out of their lives and thrown together into a new one? Does it count if the relationship probably wouldn’t survive outside of the bubble they’re living in?

“Whatcha thinking about?” Shane asks, snapping Ryan out of his thoughts one morning.

Ryan realizes that the eggs are ready, and he quickly turns the heat off, relieved that they didn’t burn. He turns to see Shane holding Obi like a baby, standing just a few feet away. Ryan smiles. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to realize you’re off daydreaming while your son and I starve.”

Ryan laughs. “Oh I see, yes, _my_ son. Well this is just for me and my son, Obi. I didn’t make you any.”

“Cruel,” Shane says in his best betrayed voice. “A cruel papa. A cruel husband.”

Maybe they aren’t soulmates. Or maybe, in a way that he’ll probably never understand, they are. Ryan doesn’t know, but as Shane sings a made up song about butter as he spreads it over his toast, Ryan can’t help but think, _I love you so much_. In this moment in time, in this bubble they’re in, Shane is everything. Even with all of the imperfect stuff between them. _I’m so stupidly in love with you_ , he thinks as he laughs and makes up a verse about strawberry jam.


	10. Chapter 10

SPRING

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave if you don’t stop that,” Shane tells Ryan in a stern voice. Ryan freezes, his arms still above his head, mid stretch. “It’s distracting the staff.”

Ryan takes a quick look around the mostly empty library. “You’re the only staff person around.”

“Insubordinate. Get out.”

Ryan laughs and walks over to the desk where Shane is sitting. He leans against the desk, now eye level with Shane, and Shane feels that familiar flash of lust hit his stomach. “I’m distracting you?”

“You’re a menace,” is all he manages, making Ryan laugh again.

Rose’s granddaughter had a baby, and she flew down to Arizona to see her, so the shop is closed for the week. Ryan has been hanging out here at the library, usually in Shane’s field of vision, distracting the hell out of him. It's impossible to make fliers for their upcoming events with his mind so easily drawn to whatever Ryan’s doing.

That had always been a problem, though, even at Buzzfeed. He was always willing to drop whatever he was doing to follow Ryan around. He rarely said no to him. He agreed to do Test Friends and Buzzfeed Unsolved, and he was more than ready to throw away his job at Buzzfeed to follow Ryan into whatever came next. 

Shane has always found Ryan fascinating, so opposite of him, with all of his insane beliefs and fiery energy. They both genuinely perplex each other, which has always kept things from being boring. He wonders, as he watches Ryan walk over towards the nonfiction section, if he could get away with walking after him, pinning him against a shelf, and kissing the hell out of him. Probably not, but it’s a nicely distracting thought nonetheless. 

Perhaps _too_ distracting since he doesn’t even notice Marlene until she’s leaning against the desk, right where Ryan had been. “Hi, handsome,” she says, startling him back to reality.

“Oh Jesus,” he says, clutching his racing heart.

She laughs. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just stopping in to say hello.”

“It’s alright. My mind was just somewhere else. How’ve you been?”

She sighs and rolls her eyes. “Oh you know. The usual monotony of this town. When are we going to run away together? You know you can’t keep me waiting forever.”

Shane chuckles. “I made my vows, Marly.”

She smiles mischievously. “Haven’t we all broken a promise here and there?”

“You’re being very naughty today,” he jokes back. From the corner of his eye he sees Ryan walking towards them. He turns and smiles as Ryan reaches them, but Ryan has a confused frown on his face as he looks between Shane and Marlene. 

“Hey,” Ryan says tentatively.

“Ryan, this is Marlene. Marlene, this is my husband Ryan.”

Ryan’s eyes widen as he takes her in, eyes sweeping down her tall frame. “Oh. You’re Marlene?”

“That’s me.” She smiles at Ryan, extending a hand. “Charmed, I’m sure.”

Ryan shakes her hand, but he’s still looking thrown off and hesitant. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“All lies and slander, I bet,” she jokes, making Shane chuckle. Ryan’s eyes dart to Shane, narrowing in what looks to be annoyance. Marlene says, “Well, I only came to say hi. I should really get going. It was nice to meet you, Brian.”

“It’s Ryan.”

“Oh sorry, I’m so bad with names.” Marlene turns to Shane and winks at him. “See you soon, handsome.” With one last wave she turns around and walks towards the door. Her long hair bounces with each step. 

As soon as the door closes behind her, Ryan snaps back to Shane and says accusingly, “You never mentioned she was hot.”

Shane laughs. “I didn’t?”

“No, I’ve been picturing a little old lady this whole time.”

“Nope, that’s her.”

Ryan sounds upset as he says, “I can’t believe she’d act like that knowing you’re married. So — so _brazen_.”

“Can’t say I blame her, though,” Shane says, trying for a joke to ease the genuine annoyance on Ryan’s face. “I’m very handsome. Everyone says so.”

That at least gets the corner of Ryan’s mouth to twitch into a smile, though his body is still tense. “They haven’t seen you in the mornings.”

“Oh, ouch.” Shane clutches at his heart dramatically, leaning forward as if he’d been shot. “Wow, you’re mean when you’re jealous.”

Ryan scoffs loudly. “I am _not_ jealous.”

“Are you scared she’s gonna steal me away?” Ryan glares at him, and Shane laughs. He can’t believe that Ryan is _seriously_ jealous right now. “Don’t worry, baby. I’ve only got eyes for you.”

“Oh, shut up,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes.

“No really. We’re only friends. She comes in, she flirts with me, she gets some books, we chat. That’s it. Honestly, I think she’s lonely. From what Jim tells me, she’s had a rough life and doesn’t have that many friends.”

“Well I’m glad you two are best friends then.” Ryan’s voice is aiming for casual, Shane can tell, but his arms are still crossed. “Who am I to get in the way of such a lovely new friendship?”

Shane stands up, leaning over the desk slightly so that he and Ryan are at eye level with each other. “I don’t want to be her anything,” he says honestly. “Now stop being so jealous and give me a kiss.”

“I’m not jealous,” Ryan says stubbornly but still gives in and kisses Shane. As soon as the kiss ends, Ryan looks around and mumbles, “That was probably inappropriate,” before wandering back towards the nonfiction section. 

Shane watches him go. His shoulders look a tiny bit less tense, but not by much. It leaves Shane with an uneasy feeling.

It stays with him even after they come home. It’s there as he and Ryan go to sleep, Ryan tucked securely under his arm. It’s still there the next morning as they drive back to the library. The roads are muddy, the sky cloudy with inevitable rain, and Shane can’t stop stealing glances at Ryan.

Jealousy is a weird thing. It’s a possessive, love-makes-you-crazy feeling. Is that what Ryan feels for him? Is Ryan in love with him?

It’s an overwhelming thought.

Undeniably they have feelings for each other. Shane is definitely _attracted_ to Ryan. He _likes_ Ryan. Hell, he loves him — _has_ loved him ever since they became the Ghoul Boys all those years ago. But… being _in_ love is different. 

Shane has been in love before. A couple of times, actually. What he feels for Ryan doesn’t feel like that. He watches Ryan at the library, unable to stop examining him in a new light. Ryan is handsome. Shane knows there's attraction there, knows that he wants Ryan to always be in his life. He loves him, he really does, but it's different. What he feels doesn’t match up to any past relationship. 

Is Ryan in love with him? Does this mean that Shane can keep their lives the way they are right now indefinitely? Would that be fair, to keep Ryan with him when he’s not in love back?

He finds no answers. The more he looks, the less sense it makes. He definitely feels something big for him. It’s there in the happy glow of being around him. It’s there in the weird caveman feeling of wanting to protect him, to shield him from any harm the world might throw at him. 

He constantly stares at Ryan from the corner of his eye as they drive around, as they do their chores, as they take walks around town now that the weather is allowing it. He listens to Ryan’s quiet breathing as he sleeps next to him.

Everything about Ryan is familiar. He knows Ryan’s face. He knows Ryan’s body. He’s seen him happy and scared and angry and crying and turned on. _I should know_ , he thinks, exasperated, as he watches Ryan laugh while making Obi chase a toy around. Ryan has accused him multiple times of being a computer or a robot, and Shane wonders if maybe he’s right. If he’s not in love with Ryan, then what is it he’s feeling?

Griffin turns three in April, and they help Jennifer throw a party for him. Ryan’s a little misty-eyed as Griffin sits on his lap and happily eats birthday cake. Their eyes meet and Shane understands the telepathic transmission: _Can you believe he’s this big now?_ It seems impossible that time has moved this fast. 

Shane’s heart melts at the sudden thought of having kids with Ryan. He’s not sure if that would even be possible, not in their weird and messed up situation, but he knows intrinsically that they would make a good parenting team. How is it possible to want a family with someone and not be in love with them?

Every time he kisses Ryan, every time they have sex, every time Ryan smiles at him, Shane _wants_ to feel something different. He wants to be able to put what he feels for Ryan in the same category as all of his other exes. But each time it’s the same feeling as always.

_Why don’t I know?_ he thinks. _Ryan deserves someone who is sure._

The month of May brings with it warmer weather and bright sunshine. He still doesn’t have any answers. Ryan hasn’t said anything either. If Ryan is in love with him, Shane is not selfless enough to set him free. _Maybe I’ll eventually fall in love with him_ , he hopes every time his thoughts stray back to the problem. Shane is sure that what he feels for Ryan must be right at the edge of it. It’s all there: the admiration, the attraction, the respect, the support, the devotion. But it’s also messy. Because Ryan isn’t _just_ his romantic partner. All of the left-over feelings from before are still there too. He is also his crazy coworker who is terrified of demons and his buddy who makes fun of Shane’s head size. None of his relationships have ever felt like this, like there's just _too much_ , like it doesn't all fit.

It doesn’t hit him until he’s walking out of the library and towards Maple Leaf for lunch. Ryan is already there, waiting for him. Shane walks quickly, eager to see him. The clouds shift, and the sudden brightness makes him squint, momentarily blinded as his eyes adjust. He remembers suddenly and vividly the way California felt. He remembers the brightness of L.A. and the heat, and with it comes a flood of memories of his time there.

And Shane stops in the middle of the sidewalk as he realizes that those memories have been painted over. He remembers eating lunch with Ryan on the outdoor picnic tables at Buzzfeed, but it’s not his friend Ryan in those memories. He thinks back, thinks of Ryan at his desk, thinks of Ryan in the woods with his stupid yellow vest and helmet looking for Bigfoot. He pulls up the memory of Ryan freaking out on Goatman’s Bridge and the Buzzfeed holiday parties. All of these memories have transformed. 

That’s not his friend yelling at empty rooms. That’s his husband. The memories now come attached with emotions he knows he didn’t have at the time. They’re softer. Ryan glows in them. They feel the same as he feels now, full of this _too much_ feeling. 

He remembers Ryan in Agent Perez’s office, how he had looked so frightened. Shane knows that at the time it was an impulsive decision to tell her they were engaged. Factually, that is what happened. But in his memory, that’s his _husband_ looking lost and scared. And he told Agent Perez they were engaged because they were. Because Ryan is his to comfort and protect. To have and to hold.

He doesn’t remember anymore what it was like before Ryan was the center of everything.

And quite suddenly Shane understands that being in love with Ryan doesn’t compare with any past loves. That’s why they don’t feel the same. That’s why he hasn’t been able to separate friend feelings from _in love_ feelings. What he feels for Ryan is exponentially deeper. It has always belonged to another category that Shane isn’t even sure he knows a word for. Ever since they met, Ryan has felt like a permanent part of his life. Even when they were just friends, even when they weren’t best friends, Ryan has always been important. And now Ryan is the most important thing in his life. It doesn’t compare — _of course_ it doesn’t. 

_I’m so stupid_ , he thinks as he comes back to himself and continues walking. The spring air feels crisp in his lungs, and he’s sure of it now. The love he has for Ryan is all consuming. It’s built into Shane’s cells, so much a part of him that of course he didn’t even notice when it first began to evolve. Even when he wasn’t in love with Ryan, he was still in love with Ryan. 

Shane spots him the second he enters the diner. Their eyes meet, and Ryan smiles. Shane’s heart glows at the sight, and he understands more clearly than ever that he was put on this earth to make Ryan happy. 


	11. Chapter 11

SUMMER

Shane has been acting weird. And, okay, Ryan knows that Shane has always been weird, alright, but this isn’t normal weird levels. Shane hums to himself more frequently. He keeps letting Ryan win stupid arguments. He smiles at nothing sometimes, like he has a little secret. Honestly, it’s disconcerting.

The biggest and freakiest change has been Shane frequently and casually saying “I love you." He’s never done that before. It happens when they kiss goodbye and when they have sex and sometimes even for seemingly no reason. Each time Ryan’s heart feels flustered and set aback, leaving him to stutter out, “Love you too.” 

As spring melts into summer, Ryan is only getting more and more suspicious about what this change means. He wants to ask Shane about it, he really does, but every time he tries it’s as if an invisible hand stops the words at his throat. Maybe it’s all just in his head. _Or maybe_ , a cruel voice tells him, _it’s better if you don’t find out_.

Things are good between them right now, _really good_. Why mess that up? The thought of forcing Shane to answer questions that might lead to them disintegrating feels like a punch to the stomach. It’s hard to ask questions when Shane smiles at him with this happy, new smile Ryan hasn’t seen before — big and soft and _different_ — so he doesn’t ask. He ignores the feeling of walking on a tightrope, telling himself that as long as he doesn’t look down he’ll make it to the other side. 

“Hello,” he says automatically as the little bell above the door rings, indicating the pie shop has a new customer. He’s standing behind the counter, a cup of coffee next to the register. He and Shane stayed up late last night — which for them now means one in the morning — too addicted to a new TV show to go to bed at a proper hour. He feels a little groggy, and that’s probably why it takes a second too long to realize who it is. 

Her hair is shorter, just a little above her shoulders. She smiles as she walks up to him, but it looks fake. Ryan instantly feels on edge. “Marlene, was it?” he asks, despite knowing well enough that it’s her.

Her smile only widens. “Oh, hi. I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Well I do. How can I help you?”

“A slice of apple pie to go, please.”

Ryan nods and rings her up. He gets a slice from the display case, feeling uneasy as she watches him do it. He’s boxing it up when she says casually, “How’s Shane?”

He feels a stab of annoyance. “Good,” he says curtly. He hands her the little bag with the pie and says, “Have a good day.”

“He’s so funny,” she says. “He’s always making me laugh. Every time I see him we spend so much time just enjoying ourselves.”

Ryan frowns. For a second, a long, eternal second, he feels like his insides have frozen. His brain twists her words, connecting them to Shane’s weird behavior, and he feels like he’s falling into a black hole where his heart used to be. And then he’s fucking _pissed_. 

“Yeah, Shane’s a real funny guy,” he snaps. “That’s why I married him.”

“I was married too, once.” She gives a little shrug. “Sometimes it just doesn’t work out.”

It comes out rude and too loud: “Is there anything else I can help you with?” 

Her eyebrows go up in surprise, but then she smiles again, proud of the reaction she managed to get out of him. “No. I’m all set. See you around.”

Rose comes out of the back as the bells ring to signal Marlene’s exit. “Is everything alright?” she asks, and she only grows more concerned as she gets a look at Ryan’s face. “What happened?”

Ryan can feel how tightly his jaw is clenched, feels the hot angry tears well up in his eyes even as he tries to blink them back. 

“Nothing,” he says, which in a way is true. “Just… someone was rude.”

“Was that Marlene Henning? I swear, if her grandmother was alive to see all the trouble she’s been up to, she’d have another heart attack. Don’t listen to anything she says. Oh honey, sit down for a bit. You look like you need a moment. What did she say to you?”

A tear spills, and Ryan quickly wipes it away, embarrassed. “Nothing. Really, she was just rude. Actually, um, I’m going to take a quick walk, if that’s okay. I need some air.”

“Of course,” Rose says. “Take however much time you need.”

Ryan nods his thanks, not trusting himself to say anything else, and quickly heads for the door. He looks around wildly once he’s outside, but he doesn’t see her. God, the last thing he wants to do is have another confrontation with her. His legs begin walking with no real destination in mind. His heart is beating so fast that he’s afraid it’ll try to escape his chest and choke him. His face feels hot with embarrassment that Rose had to see that. And even worse, he’s ashamed he reacted like that. She _wanted_ him to react like that, and he fucking played right into her hand. 

But her words had reached right into the darkest corner of Ryan’s brain and pulled out his worst fear. Shane is all he has. And if he loses him… 

_Even if he did sleep with her, I can’t even say he cheated_ , Ryan thinks bitterly. They never talked about being exclusive. The agreement had been friends with benefits. Just because the relationship has evolved to something past that doesn’t mean that Shane is his to keep. Shane is within his right to get bored of this, get bored of him. 

He walks and walks until the ball of fire in his stomach has dimmed to a miserable, sick feeling. By the time he returns to the shop, he at least feels sure that he won’t burst into tears again. 

***

Days go by. He doesn’t tell Shane. He can’t. The more Ryan thinks about it, the more ridiculous he feels. She didn’t actually say anything that he could use as proof against her. All he did was embarrass himself. _What would I do if he doesn’t believe me?_ he thinks, a sinking feeling of despair in his stomach. _What would I do if he said it was true?_ The thought alone makes him feel sick.

Shane would tell him if there was someone else. Right? Shane just isn’t the type of person who would keep something like that secret. He _wouldn’t_. So Ryan does his best to act normal. He swallows it down. But the seed of doubt has taken root, and it’s hard to stop the feeling that everything is slipping through his fingers.

They buy groceries and go to work and watch TV together at night. He ignores the little ways that Shane is acting differently. They go camping, just the two of them, and when Shane kisses him under the stars and says, “I love you,” Ryan just closes his eyes and begs his heart to let that be enough.

They go to Jim’s birthday party. The night is warm and inviting as the party spills from the main house into the backyard. The energy is lively with people chatting and laughing. It feels like half the town is here.

It’s funny to see how popular Shane is. Everyone comes to say hi, and Ryan beams with pride when Shane introduces him as his husband, an arm around Ryan’s shoulders. _See? We’re good_ , he thinks. He’s been worrying for nothing. They’re fine. Things are fine.

But at some point in the night Ryan gets wrapped up in a conversation with Jim’s husband Simon, who has an impressive knowledge of film history. When someone calls Simon’s name and he excuses himself, though, Ryan realizes that Shane has wandered away. He frowns as he looks around the backyard. Shane is usually easy to spot, but he doesn’t see him.

He steps into the house, hoping Shane will be in the dining room where all the food is, but he isn’t. Then he hears Shane’s laugh. He follows the sound.

Shane is standing by the stairs. Next to him is Marlene, wearing a very impressive dress, far and above what anyone else is wearing tonight. And Shane is hanging onto her every word. A wounded and rageful feeling prowls in his chest as her hand comes up to rest on his arm. The touch seems casual and familiar, like this is not the first time it’s happened. 

Ryan can tell by Shane’s soft smile that he feels a real fondness for her. He used to mention her frequently when she first started going to the library. He’d tell Ryan, “Marlene asked me to run away with her again,” and it would make Ryan laugh. God, he was so stupid. Shane stopped mentioning her after Ryan met her. 

He watches with horror as she blows Shane a kiss and Shane pretends to catch it and puts it in his pocket. They laugh at their little inside joke.

Ryan turns and walks back out into the backyard.

***

Three days go by. Shane keeps asking him over and over if something is wrong, each time growing more concerned, but Ryan isn’t brave enough to say it. He’s too scared, too hurt, too angry at himself. 

Ryan can’t bring himself to wreck everything they’ve built by what are either wild accusations or harsh, crushing realities. So he keeps lying, and he says he’s fine, he’s just tired, it’s just a headache, he’s just probably coming down with something. He lets Shane feel his forehead and give him worried glances. He lets Shane make him soup. 

And in the dark at night he thinks, _Did I really think everything was going to turn out fine when we’ve done nothing but lie to everyone?_

He doesn’t know when he actually managed to fall asleep, but it feels like only a second later that his phone begins to buzz insistently on the bedside table. Shane makes a displeased noise as he wraps his arm tighter around Ryan and buries his face into the crook of Ryan’s neck. The buzzing stops for only a few seconds before beginning again. Ryan has to fight Shane’s grip as he reaches over and grabs his phone. It’s only 6:23 in the morning. It’s Allen calling.

Ryan says, voice still groggy, “Hello?” 

“Sorry for the early morning call,” Allen’s voice says loudly, bustling noise behind him, “but I’ve got some important news. Can you go get Shane, please? It’s better if both of you hear it.”

“He’s right here,” Ryan says, and puts it on speakerphone just in time to hear Allen’s surprised “Oh.”

“It’s Allen?” Shane says as he finally sits up, blinking awake. 

“Hi Shane,” Allen says. “Listen very carefully, alright? I’ll be at your house in approximately an hour. Pack a suitcase with at least a week’s worth of clothes. Call your jobs and tell them that a family emergency has come up and that you expect to be out for several days.”

“Why? What’s going on?” Ryan asks. 

“They caught the guy that was after you. I’m sorry to say you two weren’t his only victims. I’ll explain everything on the plane ride to L.A., but his trial starts in two days and we’re requiring your presence.”

Shane and Ryan’s eyes meet, exchanging shocked expressions. Ryan blinks quickly several times, half expecting this to be a dream. He had given up the idea that they’d ever have answers.

“What does this mean?” Shane asks. “Will we be able to leave the program if he’s convicted?”

“That’s right. Fingers crossed and you’ll be back home soon, lovebirds. But we’ll have plenty of time for questions later. Just pack up, and be ready. We’re on a tight schedule. See you soon.”

Without another word, the call is over. Shane laughs, incredulous and joyful. He cups Ryan’s face and says, “It’s a goddamn fucking miracle, baby!” He kisses Ryan’s forehead before getting out of bed and listing off things they need to pack.

Ryan hears him only distantly. Too many things are hitting him all at once: happiness and anger and relief and bitterness. The black hole of grief he had managed to contain enough to function begins to crack open. Hot tears make his vision blurry for a second before he quickly wipes them away, scared that Shane will notice.

Everything happens so quickly. They get dressed, they pack, they call Jennifer and ask if she can please feed Obi while they’re away. They call the library and the pie shop and give the same speech about a family emergency. Ryan’s heart clenches painfully as Rose’s concerned voice says, “Take all the time you need, honey. I hope everything goes alright. Call me if there’s anything I can do to help.”

They’re packed and ready when Allen knocks on their door. He walks in with a large, happy grin on his face and a travel mug in hand. “Hello, boys. Excited?”

Ryan feels anything but excited. This is all happening too fast, and he can’t wrap his head around it. It's too much like the night they got whisked away from everything. There's an undercurrent of panic flowing through him, buried beneath the ten thousand other feelings he's battling with. Ryan stays silent as Shane handles the small talk with Allen.

They carry their suitcases to Allen’s rental car and put them in the trunk. Shane follows Ryan into the backseat. His hand finds Ryan’s, and Ryan has to swallow around the lump in his throat. Their small blue house seems different as Allen drives away, as if his brain already knows to let go. He remembers thinking that it would never feel like home, but now, as it grows smaller and smaller in the distance, Ryan realizes that he and Shane _did_ have a home here. It was small and wonderful and built around each other. And it could never survive out in the real world.

He feels sick as they drive to the same airport they used when they first came here two and a half years ago. The plane they get on looks the same too. Allen explains that the investigation went cold until a similar bombing occurred a year ago. That attack failed too, thankfully, but they were unable to make an arrest before a third attempt succeeded, murdering an actress in her home in West Hollywood. So far John Hacken hasn’t cooperated much beyond admitting that his attacks were politically motivated. In the end, it didn’t have anything to do with Buzzfeed Unsolved at all. Hacken apparently just hated Shane’s leftist leaning twitter account.

“You two were lucky,” Allen says

Ryan knows they were, but it doesn’t feel like it.

Allen says, “We’re going to do some trial prep today and tomorrow. There’s a lot of evidence on our side, so I expect he will be convicted — though it’s always dangerous to celebrate too early. There was some talk of a plea deal, but it seems to have fallen through. I was under orders not to pull you out until I had to.”

Shane says, “A warning would’ve been nice.”

“Trust me, I argued for it, but your case stirs up public interest. WITSEC runs on secrecy.”

“Will our families be there?” Ryan asks. “At the trial?”

Allen gives him a soft, understanding smile. “I’m afraid not, but as soon as it’s all over, I promise you’ll get to see them.”

Ryan’s chest hurts just from the thought, his heart yearning to see his parents and brother again. He had resigned himself to a life without them, but now... Here at his fingertips is everything he thought was lost forever.

Shane puts his arm around him, squeezing slightly in a way that should be comforting but somehow isn’t. Instead, it’s as if he can already feel a wall form between them, that border that used to separate them as platonic friends. He feels stiff as Shane asks in a low voice, “Are you okay?”

“It’s just a lot,” Ryan answers. 

Shane’s hand gently rubs his arm. “It’ll be okay.”

Ryan doesn’t say anything, doesn’t point out that Shane can’t possibly know that. 

He lets Shane hold his hand as they land in California and he lets Shane buy him lunch and he eats when Shane insists. No matter what happens, things will change after this is over. There will be no more wondering endlessly who could’ve done this to them. There will be a definitive answer. The dust will settle, and Ryan feels terrified of what that new world will look like.

Allen puts them up in a nice hotel. There’s only one bed, which Ryan thinks is funny in an ironic, achy sort of way. Seems they’ve managed to convince Allen they’re a real couple just when two beds might’ve come in handy. 

He and Shane are going to break up. It’s inevitable. He knows it; he can feel it in his bones. Things were good in Anatole because all they had was each other. Things were good because there were no distractions. Out here, they will be pressured and questioned and scrutinized. Out here, they’re going to grow bitter and resentful of each other. Out here, Shane will quickly realize he could do better. Ryan doesn’t think he could survive watching their relationship slowly decay around them until all that’s left is the disfigured corpse of what used to be. 

Allen goes over information about the case, endless facts and dates and people, but Ryan can barely get himself to pay attention. His brain can’t stop worrying about all of the possible outcomes. They call it a night in the early afternoon. Ryan is exhausted from the time difference and the anxiety and all of the little concerned looks that Shane keeps giving him.

How can he save them from such a horrible fate? How can he keep Shane in his life no matter what?

It’s still pretty early when they close the curtains and go to bed. The room feels cold. The bed is too big. Shane feels miles away. He hears Shane whisper, “Are you asleep?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it? I know something’s been bothering you.”

Ryan knows they need to talk, he needs to tell him, but he doesn’t know where to even begin. So instead he reaches out, his hand landing on Shane’s arm. Ryan pulls until he gets the hint, until he’s on top of Ryan, surrounding him, kissing him. Ryan puts everything he has into it. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen and he’s scared, and all he wants is to have this while he still can. 

He makes a noise of displeasure when Shane stops kissing him, but it’s only for a moment, just to get their clothes out of the way. And then he’s back, running a hand along the side of Ryan’s body, making him shiver. Ryan tries to memorize every kiss and every touch. They can have tonight.

***

Shane asks Allen, “Can I run up to him and punch him?”

Allen sits on the armchair adjacent to the bed where Shane is sitting. He’s been here since early in the morning, preparing them for the start of the trial tomorrow. He smiles and says, “No, I’m afraid punching is against the rules — although he was pretty active on white supremacist websites so he’d really deserve it.”

“But what if the judge isn’t looking?”

Allen chuckles at that. “Then you’ll get blood all over the nice suit I bought you. Let’s just keep calm and glower at him with our eyes. How about that?”

“Oh I’ll glower, alright,” Shane says. 

Ryan is barely registering the conversation. He’s standing by the open balcony, trying to take big, deep breaths. He feels sick with anxiety. Things are going to change, and there’s only one way to guarantee that Shane will stay in his life long term. It’s going to hurt at first, but it’s for the best. Once they return to their normal lives, when they’re out of the bubble they’ve been stuck in, it’s going to be alright.

Allen’s phone rings, and Ryan turns just in time to see him frown at the screen before answering. “What’s up, Tom?” His eyes widen as he listens. “Oh wow. Okay, I’ll come by. See you in a few.” He hangs up and looks from Shane to Ryan. “I, uh... I’ve got some good news.”

“You sure?” Shane asks. “Cause it feels like you’re about to tell us bad news.”

“No, it’s definitely good. It’s just unexpected news, and I don’t usually trust unexpected news. Hacken accepted a last minute plea deal.”

Ryan asks, “So what does that mean? That’s it? It’s over?”

Allen nods and stands up. “It’s over. Sometimes it’s not as exciting as what we see on TV.”

Shane asks, “So we’re free to go?”

“Well there's a transition period to get you back on your feet, but with you two out of danger, yes. I’m gonna go gather some paperwork from the jail and print out some stuff, but as soon as I come back, we can sign some forms and get things started.” Allen smiles at Ryan and adds, “Your family’s in L.A. right? You can see them tonight, if you feel ready. I’ll be back in a few hours. Until then, just sit tight. I’d like to triple check we’re in the clear before any of your adoring fans see you.”

He waves goodbye as he leaves, the door closing behind him with a resounding click. 

“Holy shit,” Shane says. “I guess we’re having dinner with your parents tonight.” Shane’s smile morphs into worry as he sees the look on Ryan’s face. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Ryan tries to compose himself. He thought he’d have more time to find the right words. He feels scared and sick, but he steels himself and says, “I don’t think we should tell our families that we got married.”

“Okay,” Shane says cautiously. “For how long? I think eventually they’ll notice that we’re —”

“We don’t ever have to tell them. We can move back to L.A. and just go back to how everything was before.”

“But we weren’t together before.” The words hang in the air. Realization hits Shane slowly, making his eyes widen, and he says a hurt sounding, “Oh.”

“Hear me out,” Ryan says desperately. “It won’t be the same. I don’t want us to slowly realize that and hurt each other as we try to hold on to something that could never work out here. If we break up now, we can still be friends. But if we keep trying and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll lose you. And I don’t want to lose you.”

Shane shakes his head and gets up from the bed. “Ryan, this is ridiculous. We’re not gonna break up just because adjusting to life outside of the program is going to be hard.”

“It’s not just that it’s going to be hard. We can’t know how we really feel about each other. We lied to everyone, we got confused, and we — we could be lying to ourselves. How long can we last? How long can we keep it up? The only way to save our friendship is to stop right now while we’re ahead and —”

“Stop. Stop, just — hold on.” He takes a step closer to Ryan, and it makes Ryan’s heart beat wildly in his chest. “I’m not confused. It started off as fake, yes, but how are we any different than any other married couple now? I love you, I take care of you, you take care of me — isn’t that what marriage is?”

The words hit Ryan right in the heart. He wants to believe them, wants them to be true, but he can’t. He doesn’t trust himself and what he feels for Shane. He doesn’t trust anything except the self-sabotaging voice in his head that tells him that it’s better to make a clean break now than a messy one later on.

Ryan wipes away the tears flooding his eyes and says, “I love you too, okay? I don’t want you to think that I don’t feel the same way, because I do. But that’s how we feel when we’re stuck with each other. It’s going to be different when there’s other options and more people. We started fucking around, and then — then suddenly all I can think about is you. Suddenly you’re my entire life. That’s not healthy. That’s not a sustainable type of love out in the real world where we’ll have to focus on things other than each other.”

Shane shakes his head and takes another step closer, but Ryan takes a step back. “We can at least _try_. Look, you’re scared and you have doubts — I get it. But I’m not scared. I know that we’re going to be fine. It doesn’t matter where we are. As long as we’re together, we’ll be fine.”

“We were really good as friends,” he says stubbornly. “We can still have that.”

“I don’t want to be just your friend, Ryan.”

“I’m sorry. But that’s what I want.” Shane looks like he’s about to take another step towards him, like he’s about to grab him, and Ryan isn’t strong enough to keep resisting. So he gathers the little will he has left and says, “I want our lives back to how they were before we got caught up in this. We have a chance for things to go back to normal. I want us to find other people, people who can really love us. Please understand.”

Shane looks hurt and torn open as if Ryan had just slapped him. “That’s really what you want?”

Ryan nods.

“Okay. Okay, then I won’t tell anyone we were married. You can go back to your old life.”

The tears start spilling from Ryan’s eyes as he says, “And we’ll still be friends. Right? Please, Shane, just say we’ll still be friends.”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I thought that we were going to — that we were _always_ going to be —” He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. He says, “I need fresh air.”

“Where are you going?’ Ryan asks as Shane heads towards the door. Shane doesn’t answer. “Allen said we can’t leave yet. Shane! Shane, don’t —”

The door slams behind him, leaving Ryan standing alone in their hotel room.

***

It’s almost ten at night as Allen drives him to his parents’ house. Allen must’ve already spoken with Shane. He hasn’t asked why Ryan’s eyes are so red or why he’s alone. His usually cheerful face is serious as they drive in silence.

They stop in front of an achingly familiar house. Ryan feels weak. Half of him can’t believe that any of this is real.

Ryan mumbles his thanks and has his hand on the door handle when Allen says, “I don’t know if he already told you, but Shane asked me to book him a flight to Chicago. The flight is in two hours.”

Ryan freezes as pain radiates through his heart. He forces himself to say, “Okay.”

“Whatever happened, I’m sure you guys will work it out,” Allen says encouragingly. “He probably just needs a little space.”

“Thank you,” Ryan says, opening the door and getting out of the car. He grabs his suitcase from the trunk and tries to compose himself. Shane will come around. He’ll see that Ryan is right, and he’ll come back. Ryan has to believe that.

Allen rolls down the window as Ryan begins walking up the driveway. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

Ryan nods and waves goodbye. His wedding ring catches his eye, and he waits until Allen drives off to take it off and slip it into his pocket. His finger feels strange without it, but he takes a deep breath and forces himself to keep walking towards the house. 

He has barely knocked once when the door is thrown open almost instantly. There stands his mother, his father, and his brother. There’s a second where no one says anything, where Ryan just looks at them and takes them in. The faces he had missed so much, that he thought he would never see again, look back at him in awe. He falls into their arms, fresh tears running down his face.

“We missed you, son,” his father says, and Ryan prays that being with them will quickly heal up the gash that has been torn open in his heart. 


	12. Chapter 12

FALL

Shane holds his breath as he drives past the town square. His hands tightly grip the steering wheel of the rental van as he refuses to let his eyes linger on all of the special places that saw them together. The town is decorated for Halloween already, and Shane wonders what costumes the Shanes and Ryans of the multiverse chose, the ones that don’t have to go through this godawful breakup. 

Shane has never felt like this before, not after any previous relationship, not even during the painful first months after being put in the program. This is worse. This is so much fucking worse. He feels torn in half, like he's bleeding everywhere and unable to stop it. He feels angry and powerless and rejected and hurt. He feels lonely and lovesick. And as he parks in front of what used to be their home, he wishes for what must be the billionth time that they were still together.

He hasn’t talked to Ryan in over a month. As unbearable as it is not to be with him and constantly wonder how he is, hearing his voice always tears Shane apart. The last time, Ryan’s voice over the phone had said, “Shane, just talk to me. If we’re not friends then all of this was for nothing. _Please_.”

“I’m sorry.” Shane had swallowed hard, heart clenching painfully. He always wanted to give Ryan everything, but this was too much to ask for. “I can’t just talk to you like everything’s fine, and we’re just catching up.”

“Please.” The word sounded watery, like Ryan was crying.

Shane had to push down a plea of his own: _Please take me back, please let me be with you, please don’t leave me._ The grain of pride he still possessed hadn’t let him say it though. So he said instead, “I’m sorry,” and hung up.

Ryan has texted him a couple of times since then, but Shane hasn’t replied. The last text said, “I moved all of my things out. What’s left is yours.”

Shane’s heart feels heavy as he enters the house. He had poured so much love into this place. Almost every inch holds a memory of the two of them and the life they’d built together. Allen says that with them leaving the program, it’s going to go up for sale. New people will move in. They’ll probably paint, redecorate, and soon enough all traces of them will vanish.

Shane is so fucking sick of things vanishing.

He’s been living in an apartment in Chicago. It’s still pretty empty. He only got the essentials and nothing else. When Shane came to pick up Obi a week after leaving Ryan in California, he had only taken with him a suitcase full of clothes. Everything else seemed too overwhelming. Shane doesn’t know when they got so much stuff, when they filled up their house with things that were theirs. He doesn’t know how Ryan decided what was his and what to leave behind. _Maybe I never really knew him at all_ , he thinks bitterly.

The house feels hauntingly empty. WITSEC has already moved out the things that came with the house. Random things sit scattered against the wall. Books and picture frames and coffee mugs. He stuffs it all into boxes, doing his best not to look at any of it too closely. Doing his best not to remember. 

There’s a hesitant knock on the door, and for a second Shane’s heart perks up at the thought that maybe… But it’s a stupid, useless wish, and he hates himself for still caring so much about a person who broke his heart.

It’s Jennifer. The boys are with her, and they hug Shane’s legs tightly as soon as the door opens.

Shane hugs them back. He had missed them so much. “Look at you two,” he says, doing his best to smile for them. “How did you get so big so fast? Eating all of your vegetables, I bet.”

“I eat them,” Howie says proudly, and Shane chuckles and ruffles his hair.

“Hi,” Jennifer says hesitantly. She smiles at him but it’s full of pity. “Sorry to just barge in on you like this, but I saw you pull up and thought that maybe you could use some help.”

“Where’s Obi?” Griffin asks, looking around at the empty living room with a frown on his face. 

“He’s in Chicago in my new apartment,” Shane says.

Griffin pouts, not liking the answer. “Oh,” he says. 

“Sorry, bud.” 

Jennifer says, “Go play in the backyard while we pack, please.” When the boys begin to protest, she says a stern, “I didn’t ask,” and they trudge on to the backyard.

“Thank you,” he tells Jennifer, mustering up another smile. “I appreciate you being here. I wasn’t really looking forward to this.”

“Happy to help. Now, where should we start?”

They go from room to room, kitchen, living room, bathroom, leaving them bare as they pile things in the van. He hesitates before opening the door to his old room. To their room. Seeing it so empty makes his heart clench painfully. He swallows around the lump in his throat as he begins to gather things and dumping them in a box. 

“This is cute,” Jennifer says, pointing to the bust of Alexander the Great. 

“Do you want it?” he asks. “It’s too heavy to lug all the way back.” It would just end up in his parents’ garage along with all of this other stuff. He knows he couldn’t bear to look at any of this every day. 

“You’re sure you don’t want it with you? It looks nice, and there’s space in the van.”

“I’m sure,” he says, moving on to the closet where a few forgotten shirts still hang. 

“Shane,” Jennifer says softly. Shane keeps folding the clothes, unable to look at her now that her voice has turned like that. “I just want you to know that… Ryan told us.”

“And what did he say?”

“That you guys… weren’t really together at first, and that now you’re separating.” She gives a small, humorless laugh. “Honestly, it was easier to believe the whole witness protection bit than to think that you guys…” She sighs. “I just want you to know that I’m really sorry. And that I'm here for you.”

Shane nods, though he’s not completely sure what he means by it. An acknowledgement of her kind words, maybe. Perhaps an unsaid _I’m sorry too_. He clenches his jaw as tears flood his eyes. Hearing it from Jennifer’s mouth makes it feel so real, and it claws at his heart. He brings a hand up to his eyes to wipe the tears away, but he can’t keep it together anymore.

He covers his face as a sob escapes him. He feels pathetic as his knees give out and he drops to the floor, the shirt he had been holding still clenched in one hand. 

Jennifer is quickly at his side, a hand soothingly rubbing his back. She doesn’t say anything as Shane cries. He wishes he felt better afterwards. He wishes that the tears could purge the horrible feeling that lives in his chest. But these crying spells are too frequent to hold for long, and the tears dry up quickly, providing no relief.

He quickly wipes away his tears as he comes back to himself, as he’s able to catch his breath. “Sorry,” he says.

“No, no, I completely understand. Divorce is hell.” She hugs Shane then, throwing her arms around him. “I just never thought…”

“I should’ve seen it coming,” he confesses. “He was acting strange, but I didn’t think it was because he wanted to leave me. I was such an idiot. I was so sure he felt the same way I did by the end.”

She pulls back enough to look at him, and there’s anguish on her face. “You’re not an idiot. I don’t think anyone could’ve predicted that Ryan would do this. And you know what? I think he regrets it.”

“Did… did he say something?”

“Not exactly. He kept saying he had been trying to do the right thing — whatever that means — but he looked like hell.”

Worry flashes in Shane’s stomach despite himself. “It’s what he wanted,” he forces himself to say.

Jennifer sighs. “I think if you talked to him —”

“No. I groveled enough. If I couldn’t make him happy then… then I don’t think there’s anything left to say.”

“I think you did make him happy. I saw it. If it started off as fake, I never was able to tell. You two would look at each other like there was no one else in the room.”

“Then why? Why would he throw away everything we had?” It’s the question that has kept him awake, that has tortured him ceaselessly.

“I think only he can answer that, hon.”

Shane stands up and says, “I’m really going to miss you and the boys. If you’re ever in the windy city, look me up, will you?”

She stands up too, giving him a small smile and letting him change the subject. “Of course. I’ve always wanted to go there. Maybe in the summer we can take a little vacation.”

“Can’t wait.”

They get everything packed in the van. Shane hugs the boys goodbye and promises to take them to a museum where they can see a cool dinosaur skeleton. Jennifer gives him an extra tight hug and wipes away a tear as they pull apart.

“I’m really gonna miss ya, neighbor,” she says.

“Me too. I loved it here.” He can sense another crying spell brewing so he pushes it down and says, “See you in the summer.”

They wave goodbye as Shane drives off. 

***

Buzzfeed’s Chicago office is nothing like L.A.’s. He’s made some friends and everyone is nice enough, but it’s a more buttoned up atmosphere. There are no wacky shenanigans, no unexpected distractions. He also doesn’t get in front of the camera anymore, so most of the day is spent at his desk.

It’s been strange. The newspapers mention him and Ryan as one of John Hacken’s targets; a few savvy journalists have speculated they were in the witness protection program. But there haven’t been any reports that state he and Ryan were married, which means that no one in his new life knows. Everyone is too polite to ask him too directly about what happened. He hasn’t told his parents. He hasn’t told any of his friends. It’s a secret only he and Obi know, and sometimes it feels too heavy to carry.

He thinks he’s doing a bit better, at least. He gets up each morning and functions. He has stopped crying every day. Sometimes he goes out and gets drinks with his coworkers. He visits his parents every Sunday. There’s still an endless bucket of misery where his heart used to be, but for the most part he can ignore it. 

Obi doesn’t like the new apartment, though. The neighbors next door are noisy and disrupt him. He meows at strangers walking on the sidewalk below. Shane is probably projecting, but sometimes he swears that Obi stares at him in angry judgment, as if wondering why Shane has brought them here. Shane doesn’t have the heart to tell him that it was Ryan’s decision to break their family apart. 

The night air is cold, winter quickly approaching, as Shane stumbles back to his apartment. His deskmate Beth got dumped by her boyfriend last week, and he’d eagerly joined the group of coworkers that wanted to take her out to console her. With all of the focus on Beth, no one really noticed that Shane ordered one too many drinks. Now, as he trips over his own two feet, he regrets not thinking it through more clearly. 

But Ryan had texted him that morning, just a short _Can we talk?_ And just like that, Shane felt undone. So yeah, he drank too much, and yeah, he shouldn’t have done it, but he just wanted a few fucking hours where he didn’t think about Ryan fucking Bergara. It didn’t work, though. Of course it didn’t. Why did he think that it would? 

He misses Ryan a pathetic amount. All he can think about is that text. And he knows he shouldn’t call him — that would be bad, so so bad — but god, he wants to. And it’s bad that he wants to. It would be a disaster to hear his voice again because then Shane would crumble. He’d say yes to whatever Ryan wanted, because he always wants to say yes to him. So pathetic, god, he just — he has to have at least a little dignity left. Enough not to go crawling back.

He shivers as he enters his apartment building, the warmth contrasting unpleasantly with the chill that had snuck into his skin. It’s supposed to snow tonight. Ryan hated the snow. _At least he won’t have to deal with that anymore_ , he thinks as he walks up the stairs to his apartment. _He'll get to spend his birthday this year in the California warmth._

He’s making himself a sandwich and getting peanut butter all over his hands when he hears a buzz from the intercom. He curses at the unruly peanut butter as he heads over to answer. He wonders for a second who it could be, tries to stop his heart from hoping that it will be Ryan, and then he remembers. 

“Oh fuck,” he says out loud before pressing the intercom button with his cleanest finger and saying, “Heeey, Allen. Come on up.”

He had completely forgotten that Allen was dropping in today. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ — and great, he’s getting peanut butter all over the door. 

Allen’s eyes widen slightly as he walks towards Shane. He’s dressed warmly, a messenger bag hanging on one shoulder. “Hello,” Allen says carefully.

"I know this looks bad," Shane says and winces at the slight slur in his voice.

“You’re drunk.” Allen glances at his hands. “The peanut butter is a surprise, though.”

“I’m not usually drunk. The peanut butter thing is pretty frequent, though. I swear I don’t know how it happens.” Shane heads back to the kitchen to wash his hands, trusting Allen to follow him. “I forgot today was the day,” he says over his shoulder.

“It’s Wednesday.”

"Eh," Shane says with a shrug. "Time is fake." He dries his hands and takes a bite of his sandwich. Around a mouthful he says, "Want one?" 

“I’m good, but thank you.”

Shane takes another bite. He’s not sure why Allen wanted to see him. Shane feels like he’s already signed a thousand forms and NDAs — what else could he need from him? 

Allen is looking around the apartment as he asks, “How does it feel to be Shane Madej again?”

“Madej is a cool last name,” he says, wondering what conclusions Allen must be drawing up from this place. Empty walls. Dishes piled up in the sink. Barely furnished. It’s definitely not a good look. “Couldn’t be happier.”

Allen gives him a pitying look. “Look, I don’t presume to know what’s going on between you two —”

“He didn’t tell you?”

"Separations during these transitions are unfortunately common.”

"Oh, come on. You knew. You knew we were lying and faking it, and you let us get married anyway."

Allen sighs. “I suspected, yes. I teach people how to lie — I can usually spot when someone is lying — but there was something strange about you two. A real connection. And I thought that maybe I was wrong. And I see now that I was wrong.”

“No, you were right. Well, you were half right. Ryan was faking it. I was the one that was in love. Just me. He dumped me, you know. Did he tell you that he dumped me?”

Allen raises his eyebrows in surprise. “No, I did not know that. He made it sound like it was mutual.”

Shane scoffs out a bitter laugh. God, he’s too drunk for this. “No. No, he kicked my stupid little heart right into the gutter. A feast for Pennywise.”

Allen grimaces at that. “I don’t like clowns. Never did watch those movies. But what I can say is that Ryan looks like he hasn’t slept in a year. He’s not in the best shape either.”

“You saw him?” Shane abandons his sandwich on the kitchen counter, the few bites he had taken sinking like lead in his stomach. God, he hates that he still worries about him. 

“Yeah. I figured that maybe it was time…” He pulls out a large envelope from his bag and places it on Shane’s table. “You might wanna hold off on reviewing this until after the hangover.”

“What is it?” Shane asks as fear grips his heart. He can guess what it is, but he’s not fucking ready for that. “More transition stuff?”

Allen looks grim, and Shane feels sick. “This is to start the divorce process.”

It feels like a stab to his heart, and he has to force himself to breathe through it. He knew this was coming. He knew they would have to do it eventually. But he still isn’t ready. “Did… did Ryan ask you to do this?”

“No. I just thought that with the case coming to a close on my end, the least I could do was help you boys with this last thing. Trust me, explaining all of the name changes to a judge is not easy.” Allen hesitates before adding, “You don’t have to sign if you’re not ready. If there’s a chance of you two getting back together —”

“Did Ryan sign?”

Allen nods.

“Right.” Shane crosses his arms, trying to keep it together. “Then I’ll sign too.”

“I’ll still be in town for the next two days scoping out some stuff. Give me a call if you want to hand them to me in person. If you need more time than that, you can always mail them to me.”

“Okay.”

Allen gives him a soft smile full of pity. “Drink some water before you go to bed, alright?. I’m rooting for you, kid.”


	13. Chapter 13

WINTER

“Yesterday was the anniversary of us getting put in the program. It’s officially only been three years, but… it feels longer.” Ryan shifts in the armchair that faces Enid, his therapist. “Sometimes it feels like we lived a whole lifetime together, and being back is like… some sort of weird afterlife.” 

Enid always wears long skirts and dresses and always seems extremely relaxed. He’s been seeing her once a week for the last three months after his mother convinced him to talk to someone. Enid didn’t flinch when Ryan told her about being in witness protection. She didn’t flinch when Ryan opened up about what happened with Shane. She is abundantly patient and always waits for Ryan to find his way. He really likes her. 

“Now with Christmas coming up,” he continues, “I keep thinking about the tree we had and how much I wish I could just… just step back in time. I still have all our Christmas stuff, but I don’t think I can use it. It would feel bad to see it and not have him here.”

Enid waits. 

Ryan’s hands feel sweaty as he shifts again in the chair and says out loud the idea that has been rattling around in his brain all week: “I think I want to tell my family. About me and Shane.”

Enid looks surprised for only a fraction of a second before she nods encouragingly. “That’s quite a change of heart. Why?”

“I just — I’m sure I’m going to ruin Christmas by moping around, missing Shane. And I’m so sick of lying to them. I thought I was going to be able to just… not tell them, but they can see how miserable I am. They keep asking what’s wrong and trying to get me to talk and so then I have to lie to them. I thought it would be better if no one knew because then things could go back to how they were before, but… They’re never going to go back. I’m different. Everything is different. And… and Shane still won’t talk to me.”

Enid waits. 

The words crawl up Ryan’s throat painfully slow. He swallows thickly, trying to push them down, trying to tell himself that with time it will be okay, but they arrive at his mouth and he admits: “I don’t think he’s ever going to forgive me.” The words hurt to say and hurt worse to hear spoken out loud, his worst fear finally confessed. “I… I fucked everything up. It was so stupid of me to think that we could just untangle ourselves from each other. It was so stupid to think that I could just slip back into my old life like nothing happened. I hurt Shane and I hurt myself, and it was all for nothing.” 

“You’re not stupid.”

“Yes, I am. I completely ruined everything.”

“From what you’ve told me,” Enid says carefully, “it sounded like you didn’t see any other way.”

“I was scared. And stupid. God, I was so fucking stupid.” He quickly wipes away the tears that are starting to gather. “I was scared of trying and failing and I was scared of losing him and — and _terrified_ of how much I loved him. I just couldn’t trust that it was mutual and real. So I fucked it all up.”

Enid waits, but this time Ryan doesn't have anything else to say. He slumps in his seat and feels incredibly drained. The regret and anger and guilt he’s been self-flagellating with for almost half a year has left him weak. 

"How do I fix this?" he asks eventually.

“Well,” she says, leaning slightly forward, “it’s hard to say. What do you mean by ‘fix’? What do you mean by ‘this’?”

“Everything. I want to make it so that I never broke things off with him. I want to have never signed those divorce papers. I want us to still be together.”

“I’m afraid time machines are out of the question, but do you think there’s a way to get back together with Shane? Is that something you’d be happy with?”

There’s a painful jab in his chest as he answers, “I would be very happy, but… I’m sure he would never take me back. He won’t even answer my texts.”

“What do you write in the texts?”

Ryan shrugs. “Sometimes I just say hi. Sometimes I tell him that I’m sorry or that I hope he’s doing well.”

“Have you ever mentioned anything about getting back together?”

“Well, I don’t want to be presumptuous. He’d probably tell me to go fuck myself.”

“Would he?”

“...I don’t know,” he admits after a moment. “He’d have every right to. That’s what I’ve been telling myself this whole time. But I guess… I guess I haven’t actually come out and said anything like that to him.” He sighs, bringing a hand up to his face in frustration. “I’m a coward. That’s what it is. I’m a coward and an idiot and I don’t fucking deserve him.”

“The two of you went through something incredibly traumatic,” she reminds him gently. “I don’t think you’re an idiot or a coward. I think you were only trying to protect yourself, which is something incredibly human.”

Ryan sighs again, tears stinging as his eyes as the words soothe the wound in the center of his heart. “What should I do?”

“What do you think?” she asks.

“You’re killing me here, Enid. I need answers.”

She gives him a small smile. “When you find them, I’m here to listen.”

***

The house feels still when he wakes up on Christmas morning. It’s almost noon, but his parents’ Christmas party lasted until three in the morning last night. Pretty much his entire family came by, everyone hugging him and telling him how happy they are that things turned out alright. All of his aunts disapprovingly telling him he's too skinny. The music was turned up loud, everyone dancing and laughing, too distracted to notice that something was off about him.

His brother moved out two years ago, so it’s just Ryan and his parents. He keeps telling himself to look for an apartment, but he hasn’t really made any effort, too scared he’d go crazy with no one around to distract him. 

He lays in bed in the same room he had as a teenager, and he feels completely unprepared to face another day without Shane. He hasn’t told his parents yet. He had lost his nerve every single time, too scared of what they would say. His pain feels too intimate to share, but he just _can’t_ keep living like this. How many more Christmases is he going to let pass by? How many more days will he waste until he feels ready? 

Ryan sits up quickly, acting fast before the determination slips away again. He pulls out his wedding ring from where he’d hidden it in his bedside table. It’s cold against his skin as he slips it on. He takes the stairs two at a time as he heads downstairs.

His parents are sitting on the kitchen table, steaming mugs in front of them. They smile at him as he walks in and sits down.

“Want some coffee? There’s plenty left in the pot,” his mother says cheerily.

“No, uh, thank you.”

“Your brother’s coming over in a couple of hours,” his dad says. “You ready for a leftover feast? There’s still some of that flan in the fridge. I hid it before your uncle Carlos could eat all of it.”

Ryan manages a smile at that. “And he didn’t catch you?”

“I was smart this year. Every time I saw him dancing, I’d go in and get a slice and hide it. He didn’t suspect a thing.”

“Where’d you get that ring?” his mother asks him, pointing to Ryan’s left hand. 

_Just say it_ , he thinks, ignoring the way his heart is racing with nerves. “I… I have something I need to tell you guys.”

The easy expressions on his parents’ faces vanish, leaving behind concerned frowns. Ryan doesn’t know where to begin, doesn’t know how they’ll react, but he is done lying. 

“I haven’t exactly been truthful. Shane and I… They didn’t relocate us together. They were going to separate us so we told them that we were engaged. We, uh, we got married.”

“So you’re legally married to Shane?” his father asks, confused. 

Ryan sighs. “We’re getting divorced.”

His mother asks, “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because it’s my fault that we’re getting divorced. It… it started off as fake, but then we fell in love and we were together and… then I screwed it all up. I told Shane that I wanted my old life back after they caught Hacken and now he won’t talk to me.”

His parents look stunned. They exchange a glance that Ryan has no fucking clue what it could mean. 

Ryan says with an edge of hysteria in his voice, “Some input would be great, guys!”

"We're just surprised," his mother says. "I mean we knew something was wrong, but this isn't what I was expecting. Not that — I don't want you to think we don't support you."

"Right," his father says quickly. "It's ok if you're gay. We love you no matter what."

"Thanks, guys," he says, figuring he can explain bisexuality to them later, when he doesn't feel a heart attack coming on. "I just… I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Admittedly I don’t know much about wooing a guy,” his dad says, “but in my experience, flowers usually help.”

“And a good apology,” his mom adds. 

His dad nods quickly. “Yes, right, definitely that too. The point is, actions speak louder than words most of the time. Show him you mean it.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, feeling a drop of hope for the first time. “Okay. I gotta make sure he knows that I’m sorry and — and make sure I don’t piss myself from how scary that sounds.”

“Gotta be willing to piss your pants and look stupid if you wanna be in love,” his dad says. “Life is unfair like that.”

Ryan nods, a plan beginning to form in his head. He’ll need to buy a plane ticket and pack. “Okay. Thanks, guys. This has weirdly been incredibly helpful. And for like, loving me and stuff.”

They smile at him, and his mom says, “We just want you to be happy. After everything this family has been through, you being in love with Shane is not that big of a deal.”

“Fight for him, son,” his dad says.

_Fight for him_. Yes, that’s what Ryan is going to do.

***

“Just apologize and tell him how you feel and you’re gonna probably fuck it up, but that’s okay. It’s okay. You’re here. You’re gonna try.” Ryan nods at himself in the mirror, trying to convince himself, but his heart is still racing in his chest and he’s sweating buckets. He sighs, a hand coming up to cover his eyes.

This is definitely going to be a disaster. He texted Shane yesterday after that talk with his parents ( _Can we please meet up? I need to tell you something.)_ but there was no reply. And now here he is, in an Airbnb near Shane’s apartment, about to put his heart on the line. Shane could refuse to talk to him and maybe Shane has found someone else already or maybe —

“It doesn’t matter,” he tells himself sternly. “You’re here to tell him how you feel, and that’s it.”

He glances at the time; it’s almost six in the afternoon. It’s now or never. He thinks about bailing every other second on his way to Shane’s apartment, but his resolve remains steady. There’s no running away, not this time. 

He never thought he’d miss the freezing cold, but now, as snow crunches underneath his boots as he stands in front of Shane’s building, he feels very nostalgic. He shivers as he looks at the names next to the intercom buttons. _#5, S. Madej_

He takes a deep breath before pressing it. His heart beats wildly in his chest as he waits. And waits. And waits. Maybe he isn’t home? It’s a Friday. Lots of people go out on Fridays. He could be at some sort of post-Christmas party. Maybe he should press it again? Perhaps it’s not working or —

“Yes? Who is it?” a painfully familiar voice says through the speaker, sounding a bit confused.

“Hi. It’s me. Um, Ryan. Can I come in?”

There’s silence. Ryan shifts from one foot to the other, doing his best to quell the urge to run. Then the door buzzes loudly, starling him. He breathes a sigh of relief and steps inside.

Shane’s apartment is on the third floor. Ryan tries to climb the stairs at a normal pace, but his heart feels uncontrollable. _Shane is here_. Just a few feet away now instead of thousands of miles apart.

The door opens before Ryan has a chance to knock. Shane stands there, looking at Ryan with a serious expression on his face. His hair is shorter than the last time they saw each other. He looks tired. But he’s still Shane, and Ryan has missed him so much that it burns not to be able to throw his arms around him.

"Hi," Ryan says hesitantly. 

"Hey." Shane's voice is flat, and it makes Ryan's heart sink.

Ryan wonders what Shane is seeing as he stares at Ryan. Does he notice the dark smudges under his eyes and the weight he's lost? He suddenly feels self conscious, as he asks, “Can I come in?”

Shane nods, stepping aside to widen the door. Ryan holds his breath as he walks in, heart beating wildly.

The apartment reminds him a bit of their house in Anatole when they’d just moved in. Sparsely furnished. Cold. He doesn’t recognize anything in here, and he wonders if maybe Shane threw all of their stuff away. He really hopes he didn’t, though Shane definitely has the right to. 

“Where’s Obi?” Ryan asks, not seeing him anywhere.

“He’s around here somewhere. Probably sleeping in my room.” Shane crosses his arms and remains standing. It doesn’t seem like he’s gonna offer Ryan a seat.

Ryan clears his throat, feeling very nervous. He doesn’t know how to start, so he asks, “So, uh. How are you? Did you have a nice Christmas?”

Shane raises his eyebrows, indignant. “Seriously? What do you want me to say? It hasn’t been great, Ryan.”

Ryan flinches. “I know. That was a stupid question, sorry. I — that’s why I’m here.” Shane doesn’t say anything, just gives him a look that says _go ahead_ , and so Ryan takes a deep breath and says, “I… I really fucked up. And I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me because honestly I’m not sure I deserve it, but I wanted to explain. I was… I was really scared. I convinced myself that it would be better if we broke up and stayed friends because the thought of you leaving me was terrifying. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life — which is really saying something because, as we both know, I’ve done a lot of dumb things. And I’m sorry.”

Ryan feels dizzy from how fast his heart is beating. He keeps his eyes fixed on Shane’s stoic face. He tries to keep still, to not fidget under his gaze.

And then Shane says, “I didn’t know you felt that way, so I appreciate you coming here and telling me this. I've had a lot of time to think about what happened between us and how everything turned out and... I think it's time we let it be water under the bridge.”

A small wave of relief washes over him, but Shane still looks cold and distant. Ryan forces himself to admit the hardest part. “I still love you. I thought what I felt for you would fade, but it didn't. Not even a little bit. If you still have even a small amount of feelings for me, could we… could we try again?”

Shane seems surprised by that, eyes widening slightly. But then he shakes his head, crushing Ryan’s heart as he says a firm, “No. No, I already signed the divorce papers and sent them to Allen. I don’t want to ever go through that again, and I — I can forgive you for being scared and I can forgive you for breaking things off, but I don’t want to be with someone who would throw away what we had. I want to move on and put it behind me.”

Ryan swallows thickly around the lump in his throat. A sinkhole opens up in the center of his chest, his heart collapsing into it. He feels tears flood his eyes, and he quickly looks down to hide it. He doesn’t trust himself to speak so he just nods.

“Maybe it’s best if you go,” Shane says.

The words sting, and Ryan quickly wipes a tear away, embarrassed. He hadn’t expected this to go so horribly bad. Allen hadn’t said anything about the divorce since Ryan signed, so he had assumed that the process hadn't started yet. He had hoped that meant something. But Shane doesn’t want him anymore, and he’s right not to.

Ryan turns without another word. He can feel Shane’s eyes on him as he walks towards the door and reaches for the handle. But as his skin touches the cold metal, he stops. This can’t be how everything ends between them. It can’t be. Ryan came here to fight for him, and he can’t give up like a coward.

Ryan turns around. “Let me take you to dinner,” he says with as much confidence and determination as he can gather.

“I don’t think that’s —”

“Shane, please. Grab dinner with me.”

For what feels like an eternity, Shane looks at him with his arms crossed and that detached look on his face. Ryan is sure that he’s going to say no. He braces himself for it, can already anticipate the hurt. He’s prepared to beg. Then Shane sighs in defeat and says, “Fine, but you’re paying. And this better include dessert.”

“Whatever you want,” Ryan says quickly.

They end up at a restaurant down the street. It’s awkward as they sit and eat as if they’re strangers meeting for the first time. As if they’ve forgotten how to talk to each other. Shane’s eyes keep landing on Ryan’s wedding ring, but he doesn’t say anything about it. Shane isn’t wearing his, but Ryan doesn’t ask either. Instead, Shane talks about the projects he has going on for the Buzzfeed office here in Chicago. Ryan tells him about the few editing jobs he’s been doing for Steven. 

“So how’s he doing?” Shane asks as the waitress puts a slice of apple pie in front of each of them. “I saw him in one of the latest Try Guys videos.”

“He’s good, yeah. He’s filming a new season of Worth It right now, but when he comes back he’s got some independent stuff lined up. He, uh, he still wants to start a company with us. He’s always asking me if I’ve talked to you about it yet.”

Shane frowns at that, looking annoyed that Ryan brought it up. “Well now you can tell him I said no.”

Ryan bites the inside of his cheek. It’s clear Shane doesn’t want to talk about what happened to them, but Ryan has so much to tell him. Their meal is almost over, and Ryan can’t wait any longer. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to admit, “I’m in therapy right now.”

For the first time that night, Shane makes direct eye contact with him. He looks slightly surprised, but he doesn’t say anything. Ryan has no idea what he’s thinking, doesn’t know if Shane will want to hear it. But he continues.

“After...after I destroyed everything, I was really messed up. My brain was just this giant knot from overthinking everything, and nothing made sense anymore. Therapy has helped a lot to undo some of the bullshit I was feeding myself. I think… I think I was already a little bit in love with you before we even started having sex. I remember wanting to feel close to you. I liked whenever we were pretending and you put your arm around me.” Shane is still looking at him intensely, and Ryan’s face feels warm from admitting something he had held secret for so long. “And then… when you suggested we have sex, I remember feeling like it was a big risk. I couldn’t really explain it to myself, but I think I must’ve known that it would be impossible not to fall head over heels for you. And then _I did_ fall in love with you completely, and it was terrifying to think that I would lose you.”

Shane shakes his head slightly. “You wouldn’t have lost me. I was completely committed to you. To us.”

“I was too in my head. I kept thinking I couldn't trust how I felt or even how you felt about me.”

Shane sighs. “Our circumstances were pretty fucked up. I probably should’ve checked in with you more. Forced you to talk to me. I knew something was troubling you, but I didn’t want to push if you weren’t ready to tell me.”

“I should’ve been more honest and told you everything I was thinking and everything that happened. I should’ve told you about what happened with Marlene.”

“Marlene?” Shane frowns in confusion. “What happened?”

“She came by the pie shop and insinuated that you two were having an affair.”

Shane is taken aback by that, mouth agape. “ _What?_ When did this happen?”

“In June. I didn’t really believe her, but… I don’t know. I was scared that maybe it was true and I was just blind to it. And then I saw you two talking during Jim’s birthday party, and I…” Ryan shrugs a shoulder. “I kept jumping to the worst conclusions, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Sometimes not knowing is easier than risking it being true — no matter how low the risk. And I was also scared that she’d deny it and that you’d think I was crazy or something.”

“You believe in ghosts and alien abductions, Ryan. I already think you’re crazy.”

Ryan laughs, surprised and caught off guard by the teasing tone in Shane’s voice. He hasn’t heard that in such a long time, and he’s flooded with warm, pleasant feelings. Ryan’s grin grows as Shane smiles at his own joke too.

“There was never anything between her and me, for the record,” Shane says. “I’m sorry she ever implied there was. The flirting between us was just for jokes on my end, but I never would’ve done it if I knew it was going to lead to something like that. To be fair... I don’t think I’m blameless in what ended up happening with us. I didn’t realize until, like, May that I was in love with you. Maybe if I had realized what I felt sooner, we could’ve avoided some of this. I just assumed that we were on the same page, that we were…” He shakes his head, looking tired. “That we were gonna do all of that cheesy shit like have kids. Grow old together. I should’ve told you more directly that’s what I wanted.”

Shane sounds defeated, everything in the past tense, and Ryan’s heart aches from how much he wishes for that to still be their future. And then realization hits him, making him say, “Wait, in May? You realized you were in love with me then?”

Shane nods. 

“And that’s why you started acting differently?”

“I was? I didn’t mean to or anything. I was just… happy. I was in love.”

“You…you’re not in love with me anymore?” Ryan holds his breath as he waits for the answer. 

Shane looks down at the few bites of pie left on his plate. “I think you were right. I think we’re better off as friends.”

“You said you didn’t want to be my friend.”

“I didn’t. And to be honest, I don’t think we can be friends just yet. Maybe in a few years we can do a video together or something. That’s all anybody ever tweets at me about these days.”

There’s a painful lump in Ryan’s throat as he forces himself to say, “I want to spend my life with you. I’ll do anything to fix it. Please, just give me another chance. I promise I won’t mess it up this time. I’ll do whatever you want.”

Shane’s eyes are piercing as they meet Ryan’s. He’s silent for what feels like an eternity, his face giving no hint at what he’s feeling. And then he says evenly, “I don’t trust you, Ryan. This,” — he points around the restaurant — “coming here, one dinner, isn’t going to fix that.”

Ryan flinches at the words, but he nods. He understands. “I know. I know, and you have every right not to trust me. But I’m going to prove it to you. I will. I don’t have a return ticket to L.A. I’m not leaving without you.”

Shane crosses his arms and scoffs out a humorless laugh. “That sounds like a threat.”

Ryan shrugs, pretending to be nonchalant. “Yeah, but a good threat.”

Shane laughs, real this time, and shakes his head. “God, you’re still an idiot.”

“That part won’t change, sadly. I was born this way.”

“I’m pretty sure that pile of bricks you smashed your head into also had something to do with it.”

“Probably. So I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“No. That’s not a good idea.”

“Breakfast?”

“You’re gonna run out of money.”

“How about around nine thirty?”

Shane shakes his head, but he’s trying to hide a smile. Ryan can tell. And it gives him hope.

Enough that Ryan hugs a pillow to his chest that night, replaying that moment over and over in his head. He closes his eyes and smiles in the dark. Just by spending a few hours with Shane, he feels better than he has in months. There is no doubt that Shane is the person he’s supposed to be with. 

And so Ryan heads to Shane’s apartment in the morning with renewed hope. Shane looks cautious as he opens the door, but he still tells Ryan to sit down while he finishes getting ready. Obi peeks his head out from the kitchen, and when he sees that it’s Ryan, he walks over and hops onto his lap.

“Hey there, little fluff ball,” Ryan whispers to him. Obi closes his eyes and purrs loudly as Ryan pets him. “I missed you. Did you miss me? Yeah? We’re gonna be together again soon. I promise. I’m gonna make it better.” 

Shane comes out of his room, his hair neat, looking so sweetly handsome that it takes Ryan’s breath away. Shane looks at Ryan and Obi curled up together but doesn’t comment. He just wraps his blue scarf around his neck and says, “Let’s go.”

Ryan can’t stop looking at him. Not as he follows Shane to a breakfast place, not as he sits across from him, not as they start eating. It seems unreal to have him close again, for Shane to not look as surly and distant as he did yesterday. It’s almost — _almost_ — as if things are back to how they used to be. 

“Stop that,” Shane says as Ryan makes eyes at Shane’s hashbrowns.

“Just give me a bite. You have so much.”

“If you wanted some, you should’ve ordered an extra side.”

“But I don’t want a lot. I just want a bite.”

“I’m not falling for this anymore. Stop making that face — I’m not giving you any, and that’s final. Stop, stop with that — Ryan, you’re a grown man. Stop pretending you’re going to cry. We’re in public, and you’re only embarrassing yourself.” Ryan sticks out his bottom lip even further and sniffles, and Shane rolls his eyes and says, “Fine, _one_ bite. Jesus.”

Ryan instantly drops the pouting and grins as Shane scoops a tiny amount of hashbrowns onto Ryan’s plate. Shane pretends to be annoyed, but there’s warmth in his eyes that Ryan had feared he would never see again. Their conversation is only a little stilted as they skirt around sensitive topics. It doesn’t matter, though, because Ryan feels happy just getting to hear Shane’s voice. He doesn’t want to let go of this — has no idea how the hell he ever managed to convince himself he would ever get over Shane.

When the check comes, Ryan says, “I’ve never spent much time in Chicago. What’s a cool thing to do around here?”

“Well it’s freezing out. Can’t exactly go sightseeing. I’m surprised you haven’t complained about the snow already, actually.”

“I’m a snow guy now. I like it. Love carrying a big puffy jacket everywhere. I’m into it.”

Shane rolls his eyes and laughs. “Sure, uh huh. I totally buy that. There’s, uh, plenty to do in the windy city. The Art Institute is pretty cool. And they sell hot chocolate in their cafe.”

“I love hot chocolate.”

“I know.”

Ryan feels nervous, like he’s asking out his middle school crush to the big dance, as he asks, “Wanna go? With me?”

Shane looks hesitant as he contemplates his answer. Then he says, “There’s a lot of cool stuff there. You should really see it.”

“Is that a yes?”

“You’re paying for my ticket. _And_ my hot chocolate.”

Ryan smiles, relief pouring over him. “Deal.”

The Art Institute of Chicago is big and stunning. It’s not too crowded for a Saturday as Ryan lets Shane lead him from room to room, happy to just be next to him. Shane keeps his hands in his pockets most of the time, which helps a little to ease the urge burning through Ryan to reach out and hold his hand.

Shane has clearly been here several times. He knows his way around, confidently pointing out his favorite pieces of art. Every now and then he’ll crack a joke about a painting, sometimes even doing funny voices, and it never fails to make Ryan laugh. Time passes quickly, and before Ryan knows it, it’s already several hours later and his stomach rumbles.

They grab hot chocolates and little pastries at the cafe. Ryan feels warm and happy as they sit at one of the little tables. He doesn’t want to ruin the good day they’ve had so far, but there’s a thought that has been swirling around in his head and he can’t contain it any longer. He came here to put everything on the table, right? He has to be open and honest, even if it makes him feel too vulnerable.

So he takes a deep breath and says, “One time Rose asked me if I believed in soulmates, and I said I didn’t know. But now I think that if such a thing exists, then you and I are it. This whole time we’ve been apart, it was like half of my soul was gone, and now that I'm here… I know there's no one else for me but you.”

Shane doesn’t react, just stares at his cup. Ryan’s almost afraid that Shane won’t say anything, that the words will hang there, ignored, but then he says,“I worked really hard to pick myself back up. There were some nights where I felt like I was going to die before I got over you. I wanted so badly for you to show up, like you’re doing now, and ask me to get back together. I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. But weeks and months went by, and you didn’t come. And eventually I stopped crying, and I didn’t die. And then I realized that it was actually good. It was good you didn’t stay with me if you had doubts. Maybe you were right, and you saved us from an even uglier breakup down the road.”

Ryan shakes his head, fear gripping his stomach. “I wasn’t right. I made a mistake. A huge, horrible, fucked up mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. But I promise that I won’t disappoint you again. We could move to L.A. or stay here or — or if you wanted to, we could move back to Anatole and pretend like none of this ever happened. Whatever you want.”

“Speaking of Anatole, did you see the new picture of Howie and Griffin that Jennifer posted? Howie looks so tall in it. Jennifer said she’d come out here in the summer to visit.”

“You’re just going to ignore everything I said?”

“Yes. I already told you my answer, and I don’t want to fight with you.”

Ryan sighs, disappointed. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Shane echoes, looking hesitant. “So… you’ll go back to California, then?”

“No. Okay as in I don’t want to fight either. I don’t want to be in California if you’re not going to be there.”

“You should go home, Ryan.”

“Home is wherever you are.”

“Well now you just sound like a greeting card.” Shane takes one last drink from his cup before saying, “Come on, let’s go see the big beautiful bean. We can ice skate like tourists.”

“I don’t know how to ice skate,” Ryan says, even as he obediently stands up at the same time that Shane does.

“So it’ll be extra fun then,” Shane says with a small, teasing smile.

It turns out that ice skating isn’t so bad. They go to the rink in Millennium Park, The Bean looming above them. It’s cold as fuck and he falls more than a handful of times, but it’s still pretty fun. It’s even better when Shane lets him hold his gloved hand after he falls for the fourth time. 

“You’re supposed to be the sporty one!” Shane says before practically cackling as Ryan flounders and nearly loses his balance again despite Shane’s support. 

“You’re going too fast!”

“We’re literally the slowest people here. Look, that kid is already doing another lap around us. He’s probably, like, five. You should be embarrassed.”

“Shut up!” Ryan says, laughing. “You’re going to ruin my concentration, and I swear to god I’ll take you down with me.”

As far as dates go, it’s one of the best Ryan’s ever had — even if Shane probably doesn’t consider it that. But at least Shane is laughing with him, cracking jokes. At least this is progress. By the time they put their shoes back on, Ryan is feeling pretty good about it. Enough that he doesn’t flinch when Shane says, “I should probably head back home.”

“Okay,” he says, hoping that maybe Shane will invite him along.

Shane hesitates for a second before adding, “This was fun.”

Ryan smiles, feeling pleased. This definitely feels like a date. “It was very fun.”

“You should buy a plane ticket and head back home, though. Seriously, Ryan, how long are you going to be out here?”

Ryan shrugs, going for casual. “I can move here. Chicago seems like a fun place.”

“Don’t make me get a restraining order.”

“It’s almost dinner time. Are you hungry?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Answer my question.”

“You’re going to run out of money.”

“I’ll find a job here. Maybe Buzzfeed will hire me, and then we can be coworkers again.”

Shane shakes his head and mutters, “Unbelievable.” He turns and starts walking, only pausing for a second to say over his shoulder, “Come on, then. I’ll make dinner.”

Ryan quickly runs to catch up, hope once again fluttering in his chest.

Shane’s kitchen has very little counter space. Ryan feels a pang of homesickness as he wishes he could recapture one of the countless times he sat on the counter while Shane cooked. He wishes he could go back and tell himself that those little moments would come to mean everything to him. But the past remains fixed and unyielding, and so Ryan holds a purring Obi and watches from the kitchen doorway as Shane makes them both pasta.

It feels right to sit across from Shane and eat a meal he made for them. He almost can’t believe he’s here. He doesn’t deserve it, he knows that, but he’s grateful for every second Shane gives him. He’s grateful that Shane lets him help wash the dishes, that they stand side by side, once again a team as Shane dries them. It’s dark outside now, but Ryan doesn’t want to go. Shane hasn’t told him to.

“I’ve been rewatching _Documentary Now_ recently,” Shane says. “Want to watch an episode?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Ryan says quickly.

Shane sits on the opposite side of the couch, leaving a large gap between them that Obi claims as his spot. Ryan does his best to keep his eyes on the screen, but he can’t help but sneak glances at Shane. He can’t be sure, but he thinks Shane might also be looking at him too. He can sense it. His stomach swarms with butterflies from the feeling.

One episode turns to two. They don't say anything, but that’s alright. Ryan doesn’t mind. He’s happy enough getting to pet Obi and sit next to Shane. Their family reunited once more.

His eyelids grow heavy, and he leans his head back. He blinks sleepily a few times and doesn’t notice falling asleep. He’s surprised when he opens his eyes again and he’s stretched across the couch, a thick blanket draped over him. The apartment is filled with morning sunlight. Ryan smiles at the blanket that kept him warm throughout the night.

There’s a gentle clink from the kitchen, and Ryan feels his heart skip a beat as he sits up, eager to see Shane. He walks to the kitchen and sees him leaning against the counter, a mug of coffee in hand. It smells wonderfully of coffee and that little hint of something else, the scent instantly taking Ryan back to all of the mornings they shared together in Anatole. 

“Hey,” Shane says when he sees him. He’s fully dressed in a rather nice button down and freshly shaved. “Do you want some coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Ryan smiles as Shane pours him a cup, adding the right amount of sugar. The first sip tastes heavenly, and Ryan can’t stop himself from asking, “Seriously, what do you put in it?”

Ryan’s smile slips as Shane doesn’t quite look at him, as silence stretches for a second too long. And then Shane says, “It’s just cinnamon,” instead of the answer Ryan had hoped for.

“Oh,” Ryan says. What had he expected? That Shane would tell him that the secret ingredient is love like all the other times before? 

They finish their coffees in silence. Shane looks different this morning, though Ryan isn’t entirely sure why. More tired, perhaps. More distant. 

“I’m heading to my parents’ house,” Shane says suddenly. “I usually spend Sundays with them.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, taking the hint. “I’ll, uh… I’ll get going then.” 

They put on their coats and hats, and he follows Shane out the door. Shane is very obviously avoiding looking at him. As they exit the building, stepping onto the street, Ryan says, “Hey, uh, thank you. For letting me stay over.”

“You were pretty conked out.”

“All the ice skating, probably.”

“You’re really ruining your athletic reputation. No stamina whatsoever.”

Ryan laughs and says, “Yeah, I’m pretty out of shape these days. I’ll work on it. But uh, how about we hang out tomorrow? We could go watch a movie or something.”

Shane hesitates, his gaze somewhere over Ryan’s shoulder. He says, “Maybe. I just… I have to think about it.”

“Okay. Yeah, that’s okay. Just let me know.”

“Sure. I’ll uh… I’ll text you.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, giving Shane a smile that Shane doesn’t return. He resists the urge to say _I love you_ , and instead says, “Uh, see you later then.”

“Bye, Ryan,” Shane says, turning and walking away in steady, long strides. 

Ryan watches him go and tries not to feel like his heart has left his body.

***

He gets a text from Shane at 10:12 PM: _Where are you staying?_

Ryan’s eyes widen, frozen for a second as a thousand possibilities rush through his head. He quickly texts back the address and almost instantly gets a response: _I’m coming over._

Ryan flings himself out of bed and runs to his suitcase to grab something better than the raggy sweatpants he’s been wearing since he came back to the apartment. He makes sure his hair looks alright as his heart beats excitedly in his chest. He had spent the whole day missing Shane miserably, wondering if Shane was really going to text him the next day, worrying that he wouldn’t. But here is his answer. Shane is on his way, and Ryan can’t wait to see him.

He all but runs to the door as soon as he hears the knock. “Hey!” he says as he opens the door, but his smile fades as he takes Shane in.

Shane looks determined, shoulders back and jaw clenched. Whatever little warmth he’d had in his eyes yesterday is gone as he marches inside and crosses his arms protectively.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, feeling suddenly very worried. 

“No. No, it’s not okay, Ryan.”

“Did something —”

“We can’t be friends. I can’t do it.” There’s anger in his voice as he says, “And you can’t just show up here and make me forget that.”

Ryan takes a step back, feeling stunned.

Shane continues, “I was doing better. It wasn’t great, but it was a hell of a lot better than the fucked up mess you left me in. Do you know how many nights I cried over you? Do you have any idea how much this fucked me up?”

Ryan flinches at Shane’s raised voice. He can feel any progress they’ve made so far slip through his fingers. “I know I fucked up. I’m sorry,” he says quickly. “I — it was stupid and awful and I wish more than anything that I had never done it. If you just give me another chance, I can prove to you that —”

“No! No, I’m not giving you another chance. Stop fucking saying that. I don’t know how you managed to trick me into forgetting how fucking pissed I am at you, but it ends here. God, it’s like I see you and my stupid goddamn heart takes over and all I want to do is forgive you and make stupid fucking choices. _That’s_ why we can’t be friends, okay? Because I’m not fucking strong enough, and if you really cared about me, you would leave me the fuck alone.”

“Okay,” Ryan says cautiously. “If you need space, I can give you space.”

“So you’re going back to California then?”

“No.”

“You can’t fucking stay here, Ryan.”

“I won’t call you, and I won’t bother you if you don’t want me to — I promise. But I can’t give up on us. I already made that mistake once, and I’m not going to make it again.” Shane is glaring at him, and it breaks Ryan’s heart to know that Shane is hurting because of him. Ryan takes a cautious step forward, and when Shane doesn’t move back, he takes a couple more until he’s standing directly in front of him. “I love you,” he says, willing Shane to understand how much he means it. “There is no one else for me but you.”

“Don’t be so stupid.”

The words sting, but Ryan stands his ground. “It’s not stupid. I know you feel it too. Look, you can be angry with me all you want. I’ve been walking around with a torn heart too, and I had no one to blame but myself — and trust me, I'm mad at myself too. But I'm not going back to California without you.”

"Stop," Shane says but he sounds less angry now. "Just… stop saying things like that and making me _want_ —" He takes a step back abruptly, his shoulders taking on that determined stance once again. He looks directly into Ryan’s eyes as he says firmly, “I don’t want to see you ever again.”

“You don’t mean that. Shane, please —” Tears flood Ryan’s eyes as Shane remains unmoved. He reaches out to touch Shane’s arm, but Shane flinches away.

“I mean it,” Shane says before turning and heading for the door. 

Ryan watches him go. 

***

“Are you sure you’re doing alright?” his mother’s worried voice asks through the phone. Ryan bites his lip, trying not to let his feelings overwhelm him — not while she’s on the line. “Maybe I should go and help you.”

“It’s okay, mom. Really. I’m just going around looking at apartments and setting up job interviews. It’s only been six days.”

She sighs. “You’re right. I’m just a helicopter parent now after what happened. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I appreciate the offer.”

“Are you still talking to your therapist?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re doing video calls right now, though I guess eventually I’ll have to find someone here.” 

“I just worry,” she says. “I don’t like the thought of you all alone. And it’s New Year’s Eve. It should be a happy day.”

Ryan closes his eyes, exhaustion overwhelming him. “I know. I know, but if I’m ever going to be happy, I need to do this. He’s worth it.”

“I hope so, honey. I hope everything turns out alright.”

“Me too.” Ryan gets up from where he’d been sitting on the bed and says, “I better get going. I have an appointment to see another apartment.”

“Okay,” she says reluctantly. “Let me know if you change your mind and you want me to come help settle you in.”

“I will. Love you.”

“Love you,” his mom says before hanging up.

Ryan sighs and rubs at his eyes. He understands her worry, but the thought of anyone getting to witness the mess he’s in right now is horrifying. He didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than he already did, but the last few days have been utter torture. Shane’s words keep repeating in his head over and over, not letting him sleep, not letting him think of anything else. He walks around with dread and despair battling in his stomach.

The cold hits him hard as he steps outside, but he trudges on, determined. He’ll face a thousand Chicago winters if it means being in the same place as Shane. If it means proving that he meant what he said, that he really believes Shane is his other half.

The landlord shows him the apartment and gives him an application. Ryan thinks it’s an alright place, not _too_ far away from Shane but not close enough to bump into him every day. If Shane needs some space right now, Ryan will respect that. Even though the thought claws painfully at him, he’ll do it. 

Ryan created this hell for himself, and he plans to suffer through it until he comes out purified, fully forgiven by Shane again.

He stops by a grocery store on the way back to the apartment. He only has three more nights booked. He’ll need to find another place if he doesn’t secure an apartment fast enough. The thought is daunting. 

The teen that rings up the microwaveable meals he picked out smiles extra wide at him and says, “Happy New Year!” 

“Thanks. You too,” he says distractedly as he takes the bag she’s handing him with his stuff.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she says quickly, and her face turns red at Ryan’s confused face. “Sorry — that was weird. Um, I’m a fan. I just — it was so crazy what happened to you guys, and I’m happy that you and Shane are back.”

“Oh,” he says, trying his best to smile back. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”

“Do you think you guys will ever do another season of Unsolved?” Her face is full of hope. Ryan wishes he had better news for her.

So he lies and says, “Maybe. I’m trying to talk Shane into it.”

Her grin is huge as she bounces a bit in excitement. “That would be amazing!”

It would be. God, it really would.

***

Ryan half-heartedly tries to watch a movie on his laptop, but it’s not much use. He can’t concentrate. His eye keeps glancing over at the time, feeling more and more pathetic as it creeps closer to midnight. It’s 10:42, and all too soon he will have to confront the fact that he will start the new year alone.

_Might as well get used to it_ , he thinks. There’s a part of him that keeps insisting he should admit defeat, that Shane will never forgive him, that it’s madness to give up everything for someone who doesn’t want him anymore. But Ryan knows better than to listen to that voice now. 

Shane is worth every single sacrifice, every single night spent in penance and atonement. Ryan has to try.

He’s considering turning off the movie and just going to sleep when his phone begins to ring on the bedside table. Ryan jumps, startled by the unexpected call. He frowns in confusion as he reaches over to grab it. He has no clue who would call him right now. 

His heart stops as his screen reads _Shane_.

He sits up straight and accepts the call, saying a cautious, “Hi.”

There’s music in the background for a few seconds, loud and thumping, and then it fades as if Shane stepped out. Ryan grips his phone tightly, a million possibilities running through his mind as the silence ticks on. Then Shane’s voice says, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Couldn’t do what?” 

There’s a more distinct slur in Shane’s voice as he continues, “It’s not fair. You come back here and you — you make me remember how much I miss you and then — then I can’t even do it.”

“Are you drunk?” Ryan feels worry creep over him as he gets up from the bed. “Where are you?” 

“ _Yes_ , I’m drunk,” Shane’s voice snaps as Ryan starts getting dressed. “I’m at a bar. That’s what you do. You go to a bar and you get drunk and you get laid. It’s what people do.”

Ryan freezes, a cold, painful feeling entering his heart. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“I just said I couldn’t!”

Ryan breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, right. I just — I didn’t know that’s what you meant.”

“That’s what I meant.”

“Tell me where you are. I’ll go pick you up.”

“No. No, I’m not supposed to see you. I promised myself I wouldn’t.”

“Then… then why did you call?”

There’s silence for a long moment, long enough that Ryan feels worry stir uncomfortably in his stomach at the thought that maybe something happened or that Shane just decided he was done talking. But then Shane’s voice says, sounding small, “I wanted to hear your voice.”

Ryan smiles despite himself, his heart melting at the words, his spirit filled with the affirmation. “I’m glad you called.”

There’s another beat of silence. Ryan holds his breath, telling himself not to get his hopes up but wanting so badly for this to be the moment where they come back together. Then Shane says, “The bar is called Crown and Glory.”

“Okay,” Ryan says quickly, grabbing his wallet. “I’ll pick you up.”

“...Okay,” Shane says before hanging up.

It’s not very far away, thankfully, and Ryan manages to quickly grab an Uber. His heart thumps wildly in his chest, leg bouncing with nerves, as the car gets closer and closer to its destination. Shane called him. Shane wanted to see him. _Please, please,_ Ryan thinks as his fingers twist together in his lap. _Please don’t let him regret calling me._

The bar is packed, everyone inside celebrating hard for the upcoming year. Ryan’s eyes scan the large room, the music impossibly loud. He spots him sitting at the corner of the bar and quickly weaves through the crowd to reach him.

“Shane!” he shouts, trying to be heard above the music. When Shane doesn’t react, he reaches out and grabs his arm.

Shane’s eyes are wide as he looks over and sees him, like he’s surprised that Ryan really came. Ryan motions for them to leave, and it takes a second for Shane to nod and stand up. The ride to Shane’s apartment is quiet. They sit in the back of the Uber, and Ryan does his best to reply to the small talk the Uber driver keeps making. Shane stares out the window, not looking at him, not saying anything. The clock reads 11:17 as the car stops in front of Shane’s building.

Ryan follows Shane as he enters the building, as they climb up the stairs. There’s a nervous, unsure feeling in his stomach as Shane begins to unlock his apartment door. Does Shane even want him here? What if this makes everything worse?

Shane steps inside and takes off his coat. Ryan hesitates and from the hallway asks, “Do you… do you want me to go?”

Shane finally looks at him, eyes still a little glassy. “Come in,” he says softly, none of the hostility from the phone conversation there, and so Ryan does.

There’s an awkward silence as they stand and stare at each other. It feels like there’s so much to say, _too much_ to say, and Ryan isn’t sure now is the best time. So instead he says, “Have you eaten? I could make you something.”

“Okay,” Shane says with a nod. “Sandwich would be good.”

“Alright then,” Ryan says, taking off his coat and heading to the kitchen.

Shane leans against the door frame and watches Ryan, only chiming in to point out where things are kept. There’s something soothing about the familiar process of making grilled cheese sandwiches. The comforting warmth from the stove. The sizzle of the butter. Shane’s gaze on him. 

Obi wanders in as he’s almost done, blinking sleepily as he sits by Shane’s feet. Ryan smiles as he takes in the sight of his two favorite boys. Things might be complicated right now between him and Shane, but the love that is pouring out of Ryan’s heart feels like the most simple thing in the world.

They sit at Shane’s table and eat. Ryan tries not to feel too self conscious as Shane keeps stealing glances of him. They finish eating, and Ryan refills Shane’s glass of water when he goes to put their plates in the sink. Ryan’s not sure how much Shane has had to drink tonight, but he can bet he’s not going to feel great in the morning. Shane takes the refilled cup and says, “Thanks.” He stares at it for a moment before he looks back up at Ryan and says, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan says instantly, but Shane shakes his head.

“I said… I said things I regret. I was hurt and angry, and... I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

There’s another long pause between them before Shane asks softly, “You were really going to stay in Chicago for me?” 

“Yeah. I’ve got a job interview next Tuesday, actually.” The corners of Shane’s mouth tug down unhappily as he averts his eyes, and Ryan feels a shot of panic ring through him. “If you really don’t want me to —”

“I don’t want to be mad at you anymore,” Shane says. “And I don’t want to be mad at me for wanting you. I was… I was so angry when I…” Shane’s eyes land on Ryan, and he blinks slowly, eyes not quite focused. “Why won’t you give up?”

“I can’t,” Ryan says honestly. 

“Because you love me?”

Ryan nods. He takes a deep breath, gathering up all the courage he has to say, “I do. I love you more than anything.”

“That’s nice to hear.” A corner of Shane’s mouth slowly lifts up into a smile. He rubs at his eyes tiredly and mumbles, “I wish I wasn’t so drunk right now.”

“We should probably get you to bed.”

“Okay,” Shane says standing up. “Are you staying here?”

“If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

“Yeah. I always want you to. Even when I told myself I didn’t, I really did.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, standing up as well and following Shane to the bedroom.

It feels like risky territory as Shane begins to shed his clothes down to his undershirt and boxers, and Ryan still isn’t entirely sure where they stand. He’s scared that Shane might change his mind in the morning, that he'll be angry or accuse Ryan of taking advantage of the situation to weasel his way back into his life. But Shane doesn't stop him or seem surprised when Ryan begins to take off his clothes as well, matching Shane's state of undress. He doesn't protest when Ryan turns off the lights and slips under the covers.

Shane’s bed is warm and comfortable. Obi jumps up and nestles between their legs just like he always did, the soft purring sound more comforting than ever before. Ryan tries to get himself to relax enough to be able to fall asleep, though he can't help but be hyperaware of Shane next to him.

And then Shane shifts, turning to face Ryan. Shane's arms wrap around him, exactly where they belong.

Ryan smiles at the feeling that bursts through him, the warmth and security. He almost can’t believe this is real, that Shane’s really here with him right now. He almost expects to be snapped out of a dream at any second, but then Shane kisses his forehead before sighing contentedly. If this is a dream, then Ryan prays he’ll never wake up.

“It’s probably past midnight already,” Ryan mumbles, eyes drifting close.

“Happy new year, baby,” Shane replies sleepily. 

Ryan smiles, heart glowing with pure happiness. “Happy new year.”

***

Shane is still asleep when Ryan wakes up the next morning. For one fleeting second, it's almost as if they're still back in their little house in Anatole, tucked away from the cold. Melted together. Shane’s arm around him. 

But then it all floods back, the call and coming here and Shane wanting him to stay, and he’s not sure what will happen. So he closes his eyes and tries to memorize the feeling of Shane next to him, wanting to soak in and appreciate as much of the moment as he can. And he prays, _Please, please, please. Don’t let me lose him again._

Someone must be listening because when Shane begins to stir, he doesn't seem horrified or even surprised to find Ryan there. He pulls Ryan just a little bit closer and mumbles into his hair, "Hey, good morning."

"Good morning," Ryan replies, relief pouring over him. "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly? Not too bad. I was expecting worse.”

Obi hops on top of Shane and walks along him, stopping at his shoulder to meow loudly. Ryan laughs as Shane groans. They get up and head to the kitchen where Shane pours Obi his breakfast and begins to make some coffee. Ryan stays close, irrationally afraid that allowing too much space between them will break the spell. 

Shane doesn’t stop him when Ryan holds his hand. Instead he laces their fingers together and proceeds to pour them coffee one handed. Even when they sit at the table to drink it, their linked hands rest on the table.

“I know that I apologized last night,” Shane says, his thumb rubbing a soothing line back and forth along Ryan’s hand, “but I just want to say sorry again. For everything. I was angry at myself more than anything, and I kept trying to take it out on you.”

“Why were you angry?”

Shane sighs. “I just… Come with me, I want to show you something.” 

He leads Ryan to the bedroom. He lets go of Ryan’s hand as he rummages around what looks to be his sock drawer and pulls out a gold ring. Ryan’s heart skips a beat as he realizes what it is.

“That night you slept over,” Shane says, “ I couldn’t sleep. It was so hard to keep saying no to you. And then at my parents’ house I looked through our stuff, and I found this. And I was… I was so sad to see it and to remember packing up everything. I felt so stupid wanting to take you back even after everything. I’m still scared of being hurt again, actually, but… I think you’re right. There’s no getting over you. I won’t ever love anyone the way I love you. And I don’t want to be sad anymore, Ryan.”

“I don’t want you to be sad, either. I want us both to be happy.”

Shane nods. “Okay,” he says and he slips his wedding ring back to its rightful place on his left hand. 

“Okay,” Ryan says slowly, hope and joy beginning to swell in his heart. “So… so does that mean that we can call Allen and stop the divorce?”

“Oh,” Shane says with a slight wince. “About that…”

“What? Did — did it go through already?”

“Well…”

“That’s okay,” Ryan says quickly. “We’ll just get married again.” Shane still has a slightly guilty look on his face, so Ryan says hesitantly, “That is… I mean, only if you want to. I understand if you wanted to wait, but I just —”

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s just that I… lied.”

“You lied?” Ryan frowns, confused. 

“I never actually gave Allen the divorce papers. I couldn’t.”

“Oh,” Ryan says. “So we’re married?”

Shane nods. “We’re married.”

Ryan grins, a laugh escaping him. “Okay. Please don’t ever lie to me again, but… I’m too happy to be mad about that right now.”

When Shane opens his arms, Ryan lets himself fall completely into them. He takes a deep breath, feeling for the first time in a long time like he’s finally able to fully expand his lungs. “I love you so much,” Ryan says, tears of relief flooding his eyes. “I promise, I'm going to make you so happy.”

Shane squeezes him tight. “I love you too.” He pulls back just enough to cup Ryan’s cheek, tilting his head up. Shane’s eyes are full of warmth and fondness. The kiss they share is gentle, so soft and so sweet.

And Ryan feels like he’s finally home.


	14. Epilogue

SPRING

The Spanish-style estate is breathtakingly beautiful; the surrounding view, even more so. The May weather is perfect for an outdoor party. There is chaos everywhere as five different people try to ask Shane about table placements and parking and some sort of cheese disaster going on in the kitchen. He answers the best he can as he keeps walking. He knows by now that stopping is a huge mistake. Never stop walking or else more people will yank you away.

Organizing this lavish party for their friends and family has been hard enough. Shane has no clue how people manage to plan full weddings without losing their minds. 

Ryan has been out here all morning helping to set stuff up. When Shane woke up, Ryan was already gone, a note left on the fridge that said: _Obi’s fed. Taking your mom with me. See you tonight! LOVE YOU!_

Shane goes up the stairs and tries to remember which door he’s supposed to be looking for. Jake had texted him that Ryan is getting ready in one of these rooms. There's a sense of excitement in his stomach. It’s nearing five in the afternoon now, and he hasn’t seen Ryan all day. He misses him.

There are days when Shane can hardly wrap his head around how everything has turned out. The announcement that he and Ryan are together caused quite an online stir. He and Ryan moved back to L.A. and partnered up with Steven to start Watcher, which greatly benefited from the intrigue. Buzzfeed gave them the greenlight for the triumphant return of Buzzfeed Unsolved. Their days are constantly busy, trying to manage several spinning plates at once, but Shane isn’t complaining. Every night he goes to sleep with the love of his life next to him. Shane doesn’t know how he got so lucky. Ryan says it’s some cosmic reward for the trauma of almost getting murdered, and hell, maybe it is. 

“Ryan! You in here?” Shane calls out as he starts to open the door. 

There’s the sound of running and a sudden weight against the half-opened door that makes Shane pause. “You can’t come in!” Ryan’s voice says from behind the door. “It’s bad luck if we see each other!”

Shane laughs, leaning against the door as well. “Are you serious? Ryan, we’re already married.”

“We need all the good luck we can get. I don’t wanna take any chances.”

Shane rolls his eyes, but there’s a smile on his face as he thinks, _I’m married to an insane person_. He can picture Ryan pressed against the other side of the door, probably already in his tux. Shane has never been happier. “Fine,” he says. “Guess I can wait a few more hours. I’ll let you finish getting all dolled up.”

Ryan laughs, and Shane can’t wait to spend the rest of his life hearing that sound.

There’s excitement in the air as the music is turned on. More and more people begin to arrive. It feels special that so many are here to celebrate him and Ryan and the commitment that they’ve made to each other.

TJ films him as he heads downstairs towards the party. Shane smiles at the camera and says, “I think it’s time.”

He spots Ryan immediately as he steps out. Shane’s heart melts instantly as Ryan turns and sees him too, his eyes lighting up. Ryan looks great in his fancy suit. They walk towards each other, and Shane can’t help but steal a quick kiss. He doesn’t think at all about the crowd watching them until the loud eruption of cheers breaks out and makes them both laugh. 

It feels incredible to be surrounded by so many people that he loves and who love him. His parents and his family. Old friends and Buzzfeed friends. The entire Watcher crew. Jennifer with Howie and Griffin in adorable little suits. Karen and Emily. Jim and Simon and Rose. All of them here to celebrate with them.

Allen swings by later that night, a gift in hand and a large grin on his face. “By far my favorites. Look at you two lovebirds! I couldn’t be happier for you.”

“Thank you, Allen,” they say in unison, which makes him laugh as he pulls them in for a hug.

As a compromise with their mothers, they agreed to do a lot of the traditional wedding things tonight. They have a first dance. They cut a cake together. A handful of people give toasts. They smile and wave at the cameras, and accept hugs of congratulations from everyone.

The party gets rowdy as Eugene and Zach start a dance off. Shane takes advantage of the distraction and grabs Ryan's hand. He leads him inside and finds an empty room, quickly closing the door behind them.

Ryan grins at him, face flushed from drinking, waggling his eyebrows in a comically suggestive manner. “Couldn’t wait til tonight?” he jokes.

“No,” Shane admits as he pulls Ryan in for a kiss. Just a moment for the two of them and no one else. He pulls back only a few inches to say, “And also I wanted to tell you my vows.”

“Vows?”

“Yeah. Not that the first ones weren't good, but I have a few of my own that I want to make."

"Okay." Ryan grins. "Let's hear them."

"I promise to take you to Disneyland at least once a month."

"That's a really good one."

"And to cheer for the Lakers even though I don't understand what's going on. I promise to not get jealous about the fact that Obi clearly loves you more than me. And to let you keep bottles of holy water around, even though it's insane."

"These are all winners."

"There's one more. Ryan Steven Bergara, I promise that you're always going to be my best friend."

Ryan's face melts into a soft, love-filled smile. "Shane Alexander Madej, I promise to never turn on the spirit box in the house while you’re in there.”

“Oh thank god.”

Ryan laughs. “And I promise to watch weird history documentaries with you, even the ones that are sorta boring. I promise to always go to the mall with you when you ask and always compliment you on your cooking. And I promise that you’re always going to be my best friend.”

“I’d say the future is looking bright for us.”

“Incredibly bright.”

Shane feels incredibly happy as he says, “I love you.”

“I love you. More than anything.”

Their kiss gets interrupted by loud pounding on the door, and Steven's voice yelling, “You two better be dressed in there! Ryan's dad is looking for you guys. He says it's time to play some sort of sea snake game? Something about holding hands in a chain — I don't know, just make yourselves decent and get out here!”

Ryan laughs and says, “Oh my god, that one's actually pretty fun. Let's go.”

They open the door and head back. Back to their party. Back to the wonderful life they get to create together.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at [miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com](https://miraclesofpaul.tumblr.com/)


End file.
